Tuesday, October 22, 2024

'CARVED'.....HULU'S IMITATION OF NETFLIX ALGORITHM'D SPAM


Carved (2024)   Some execs at Disney's Hulu must have drooled over Netflix's ability to slap together movies from algorithms of viewer preferences...

           This always brings forth stale, generic products.....machine tooled movies that look assembled by A.I. robots......untouched by human hands.

            To paraphrase Rod Serling, considered for your approval (or disapproval....)

             "Carved" looks like it came out of a software package you could buy on Amazon...'Make Your Very Own Halloween Teen Horror Movie'. 

              All components are in place:  Small rural town in the middle of Halloween festivities. Disparate group of adults and teens (but extra credit for making a few of them theater kids). At least one zonked out stoner, one little kid, several cranky old guys, one cute Final Girl, guaranteed to survive the finale, yada yada....

              And one rampaging monster. In this package, a pumpkin mutated by a corporate toxic spill from a train derailment. 

                Commence the carnage, with the deformed, pissed off pumpkin sprouting tentacles convenient for impaling and beheading screaming victims. 

                But that doesn't slow down our hardy band from the standard squabbling, screaming, bonding and finding out who really loves who...

               We can't fault the cast.....they dutifully go through all the expected teens-versus-monster tropes with sweaty enthusiasm. And Disney starlet Peyton Elizabeth Lee is certainly an adorable Final Girl for the kids to root for....(and probably thrilled to drop F-bombs for the first time in her career)

               Oh, did we say kids?  Let's be more specific.....13 to 15 year olds who think trick or treating is so-o-oo last year.  The film traffics in just enough splurging gore to make them go 'Ewwwwwwww!' without making them run to the toilet to download their candy corn.

               But fair warning to hardcore horror viewers......you'll think you've seen this movie before. You have. Hundreds of times, just under different titles.....

              For the youth, though, 2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2). Cook up loads of popcorn, boys and girls,  and stay out of the liquor cabinet....unless you're inviting BQ over.....


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