'DOCTOR, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING'....SWELLED IS SHE, OUR SANDRA DEE....DEALING WITH HER PREGNANCY......

Doctor, You've Got To Be Kidding (1967)   Once again, we hit paydirt, unearthing exactly the kind of movie that led us to start this blog in the first place.....

            That would explain why we sub-titled this post with our own fractured lyrics to the "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee" song from "Grease".....(please feel free to sing it out loud.....)

              We dearly love, love, love stumbling upon the oddest of oddball movies that came out of the 1960's and 1970's.......films that could only come to exist within the chaotic years when traditional Hollywood studios slowly crumbled to dust as audiences and the culture went through monumental, revolutionary changes.. 

               This upending of values and norms threw a monkey wrench into the usual glossy studio product, especially that stalwart reliable staple - the sexless sex comedy.

                Therefore, MGM rolled out this bizarre bon-bon, which kicks off with beloved  cutie-pie Sandra Dee  rushed to a hospital......ready to pop out a baby and to the stunned reactions of doctors and nurses....unwed. 

                 Say what now????

                 The story quickly flashes back to how we got to 'From Here To Maternity'......with Dee and her ambitious would-be stage mom (Celeste Holm) trying to launch Dee's singing career. 

                  Now here's what's really strange.......the movie makes it pretty damn clear that Dee, as adorable as she is, is only only moderately, passable  as a singer.......and we're never entirely sure whether Dee or Holmes's characters have ever faced up to that cold, hard truth......  (To put it in today's terms, she wouldn't make it past the first round of 'American Idol' auditions.)

                 On the romance front, Dee finds herself aggressively adored and pursued by three young guys.....the literal boy next door turned lothario (Bill Bixby)  a earnest struggling actor (Dwayne Hickman) and a freewheeling, heavy drinking musician (Dick Kallman) helping her rehearse her act..

                  While this trio of panting, slapstick suitors take turns at attempted but thwarted ravishments of Dee, she lands a secretary job with a high powered, egotistical exec (George Hamilton.)  But then, in a stunning development for 60's Hollywood product, Hamilton turns out to be the one who rings Dee's bell.......and knocks her up.....(but tastefully off screen)

                   But wait!  Hamilton reveals himself as a smug, entitled patriarchal douchebag, telling Dee she can now drop her mediocre singing dreams to fulfill her true destiny as his doting trophy wife.  They break up, but run into each other again at the hospital where the pregger Dee's just been wheeled in to deliver. Hamilton himself gets rolled in to the same hospital, having. been hit by five cars while crossing the street.......no we did not make any of this up......

                  We can't go on, other than to point out the abrupt, very rushed finale to this panting, unfunny farce , accomplished with frozen still frames of the actors......it's as if the director and writer gave up on trying to use dialogue and acting to make any of this idiocy plausible. 

                    We don't blame them. 

                   While we ourselves live to dig up misbegotten movies like this, we wouldn't dare recommend it anyone as a casual viewing experience.......if you're not a dedicated film archivist like BQ, you'd groan through this a 1 star (*) chore to sit through.

                    But those of you who hold a special place in your hearts for a 60's time capsule artifact like "Doctor, You've Got To Be Kidding".....you got to see it at least once....no kidding. 

 

 

'GREASE 2'......HAPPY 40TH TO THE SEQUEL ONCE DISMISSED....BUT STILL SLIGHTLY HUGGABLE.....

Grease 2 (1982)    We can't make the same claim about this summer of '82 movie as we did about John Carpenter's "The Thing"....(see yesterday's post)

             Coming 4 years after the John Travolta-Olivia Newton-John blockbuster musical, 'Grease 2 garnered neither great praise nor did it suffer the steaming heap 'o hatred heaped on "The Thing".

              Harmless, bland and unexciting, nobody could care enough to like it or diss it all that much.....other than to push it to the side as a tired, charisma-free attempt to grab some more cash off the 'Grease' name. 

              And over the years, unlike "The Thing", "Grease 2" most definitely did not take 360 degree turn into being gradually re-evaluated as as a true classic of its genre. 

               Still, some audiences have indeed taken the misbegotten little musical into their hearts and the movie joined "Clueless" and "Mean Girls" as staples of teen sleepover parties. 

               Which leads us to ask, as always.......anything worth remembering about it?

              Sure......a few odds and ends. 

               Michelle Pfeiffer.....let's not kid ourselves here. She constitutes about 85 percent of the reason anyone would sit through this again. Or even for the first time.  Does her very own singing, too......

               The Single Entendre sex songs   Was there ever an original score for a movie musical that was so single-mindedly obsessed with gettin' some nooky?  Virtually every song here, a few even catchy, stayed firmly focused doin' the deed, whether the tunes cover bowling, sex education or duck-and-cover civil defense.

               The 50's icons popping up........always fun to  the that decades teen heart-throbs, Connie Stevens and Tab Hunger put in appearances. But we still wonder why Eve Arden, once the sharp and savvy high school teacher of "Our Miss Brooks", evolved into such a befuddled principal........

               The bouncy choreography.....No surprise here, since Patricia Birch, who choreographed the original "Grease" (both the show and and the film), returned here to direct the film as well.  She moves the sequel right along with a keen visual style, so it's a shame this was her first and last film direction assignment.

               The overaged "teenagers"  The film wouldn't qualify to carry the 'Grease' name unless the high school kids were played by actors in their late 20's and 30's.....we consider it part of the charrm.

                We didn't mind at all going back to re-visit of "Grease 2"......it remains what it always was, fast, silly and fun.....no more, no less.  (And far from the zero-to-hero trip that "The Thing" took over this passage of 40 years.

                Nice to return to an age when the kids sang "Let's do it for our country".....which meant doing the horizontal mambo before the nuclear warheads drop. 3 stars (***)

              

'THE THING'.....HAPPY 40TH TO A FILM ONCE REVILED.....AND NOW CELEBRATED.

 The Thing (1982)   Few, if any films released 40 years ago endured a trajectory like this one......

               It arrived in the middle of a summer when the whole world fell in love with Steven Spielberg's stubby, scaly, ugly little visiting alien....E.T. 

                John Carpenter's take-no-prisoners, astoundingly gory brutal remake of the legendary1951 film also featured an alien visitor.........and surprise, surprise......nobody fell in love with The Thing.

                 Film critics sputtered their outrage and utter disgust. Adjectives like 'repulsive', 'nauseating', 'reprehensible'  were freely flung at the film.  They despised and wailed over the groundbreaking levels of carnage and the dispiriting, nihilistic climax.

                  While "E.T." played to sold out screenings at theaters nationwide, "The Thing" played to audiences of......maybe one or two people on a good night. 

                 We do not exaggerate here. Because we were among those one or two people who went to see "The Thing" that summer. 

                   And we stand proud to tell you of our initial reaction to it.  The film blew us away. We couldn't believe the sheer audacity of it......a major film from a major studio that came out unafraid to take its audience on a non-stop trip into hell from beginning to end. 

                   Unlike the critics of the time, we knew we were watching something unique, something never attempted on multiple levels.......40 years later, in the summer of 2022, our opinion of "The Thing" hasn't changed from the first day we laid eyes on it. 

                   We thought we'd seen an instant classic way back then......and through all the decades of watching it over and over again, it's remains an instant classic, a film we will never tire of re-visiting.

                 And look what happened. All it took was this 40 year passage of time for the rest of the world\to finally see the film as the stunning piece of work it always was. 

                We can only breathe a sigh and mutter under our breath...."well, it's about effin' time."

              Let's now salute the truly gifted team that put "The Thing" together.

              Director John Carpenter.......who excelled in his ability to tell a story so brimming with fear, loathing and suspense, you'd feel forced to view it scrunched under your seat.

               Screenwriter Bill Lancaster, who went back to the original gut-wrenching premise of John W. Campbell Jr.'s classic short story "Who Goes There?"....(which the 1951 film could never hope to attempt with the primitive special effects of that era).  Instead of the James Arness alien Frankenstein of the older film, Carpenter and Lancaster's 'Thing' was a nightmarish, parasitic shapeshifter who could perfectly duplicate and mimic the humans it slaughtered..........which brings us to the next key collaborator....

               Creature effects creator Rob Bottin.......who, a whole decade before the onslaught of CGI and digital effects, brought to life, in full view of the actors, the most horrifying monster transformations ever seen at the time. (And they still hold the power to shock today....)

               The maestro himself, Ennio Morricone, who cleverly composed a subtle, ominous score that  sounded like Carpenter's own minimalist music for his previous films, yet still maintained the distinctive Morricone identity.  From the first minute on, this score announced your hellscape destination. 

                Dean Cundey's cinematography which precisely captured the darkest moods, even in bright snow, Todd Ramsay's editing, who boldly resurrected  archaic "fade to black" scene transitions to accentuate the dread and matte genius Albert Whitlock's meticulous artwork in depicting staggering sights like the 'Thing's' long frozen saucer. 

                 And finally, Kurt Russell and the rest of the film's unforgettable all-male ensemble cast.....each of them creating a flawed individual pushed to his very limits.  Every single one of them deserves mention here - Keith David, Wilford Brimley, David Clennon, T.K. Carter, Richard Dysart, Charles Hallahan, Peter Mahoney, Thomas Waites, Richard Masur, Donald Moffat, Joel Polis.

                It's nice to know that 4 decades after the summer of '82, "The Thing" stands along side "E.T." as just as much of an eternal classic. But our assessment never changed......then and now, the film remains a 5 star (*****) FIND OF FINDS. 

                   

'HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY TRYING'....THE CARTOON CORPORATE LIFE.....

 How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying (1967)    Every time a big hit Broadway show makes its way to the screen, critics and audiences weigh in on what they got right and what they got wrong.......

                  So we might as well weigh in too.  "How To Succeed", which ran forever and won a Pulitzer Prize, got enough of the right stuff into its film version to make it one our long time favorites.

                 Casting the show's original lead actors is always a plus. Just as we couldn't imagine "The Music Man" without Robert Preston, 'How To Succeed'  most wisely allowed the diminutive but powerhouse comic actor Robert Morse duplicate his lead role as J. Pierpont Finch.

                 A riotous, cheerful satire of big business corporate culture, the show and film chart the meteoric rise of Morse's Finch from lowly window washer to CEO in a matter of days........thanks to his constantly referring to a paperback guide to hoodwinking the office hierarchy to speed his way to power. (Think of Finch as ambitiously single minded version of the Jerry Lewis movie persona)

                Before anyone thinks this idea unbelievable, before you let out a sarcastic, scoffing snort, think back to the grifter who conned his way into the White House in 2016.......yes, such lunacy can happen.

                For the film adaptation, the show fell into the capable hands of writer-director David Swift, who specialized in bright bouncy, sharply technicolored Hollywood confections, like Disney's "The Parent Trap "and "Pollyanna" or the glossy Jack Lemmon comedies like  "Good Neighbor Sam" and "Under The Yum Yum Tree".

                In his use of physical comedy and a candy-coated visual style, Swift most resembled legendary animator turned director Frank Tashlin. (Swift himself put in some early career-time as an assistant Disney animator). And "How To Succeed" unfolds....uh swiftly, you might say, in a dazzling display of primary color production design. 

               The New York skyscraper offices of The Worldwide Wicket  company (where none of its executives knows what the hell a wicket is)  are a cartoonish delight to watch.......and Swift, never a subtle director, encourages his game enthusiastic cast to shamelessly ham it up, as if they're directly playing to the upper balcony seats back on Broadway.

                   Morse tears into the role of a unrepentant schemer who somehow remains puppy-dog lovable even as he connives and plots his promotions with Machiavellian fervor. Given that his office co-worker adversaries are mostly puffed up phonies, dumbells and simpering toadies, he encounters few obstacles.......except for the clueless blowhard company prez J. B. Biggley (Rudy Vallee, another welcome holdover from the show's cast) and the boss's sniveling nephew and his resident bimbo mistress (Anthony Teague and Maureen Arthur, both carrying on like live-action cartoons)

                  The only major downside we found here (as it so often is with show-to-movie transitions)  -  the pruning of lyricist-composer Frank Loesser's witty score.  A bunch of songs didn't make it into the film, including our personal favorite, the "Coffee Break"  (in which the workforce wailed and moaned at the thought of ever missing their mid-morning caffeine fix. Even more aggravating.....supposedly it was filmed, but cut and the deleted footage then forever lost.

                   The show's major showstoppers do show up, such as the ultra-catchy, now very prescient "A Secretary Is Not A Toy", the cautionary warning to male execs about the career-ending pitfalls of sexual harassment. (Also, it's the only number that makes an effort to replicate the unique, body-bending, signature dance moves of the show's original choreographer, Bob Fosse)  And we defy anyone to sit through "The Brotherhood Of Man" number without joining in to sing along. 

                  Call it silly, too overdone and obvious, but we love it anyway......and speaking of a moment way ahead of its time, check out the final shot, as Robert Morse's predatory Finch, always on the hunt for his next big upward move, flashes a knowing grin at his next target......4 stars (****).

                 

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.....SPECIAL 'SCOTUS' GONE WILD' EDITION......

         Last Friday, we spent last an entire day waiting for our car dealership to patch together the trusty BQ-Mobile to qualify it for its annual state inspection sticker......which left us no time for a Madness Wrap-Up.

           This weekend, with its doomsday, toxic tidal wave of madness, almost makes us wish we were stuck back in that auto-shop lounge, still waiting for the car.........

SUPREME COURT OVERTURNS ROE V. WADE......Stocks immediately rise on companies manufacturing metal coat hangers, leading one of such company to promise a special hanger designed for newly pregnant women and girls...("If you suffered a rape, let us give you a scrape!")

           In related news, Brett Kavanaugh suggested state legislatures offer a coupon to accompany home pregnancy tests  - offering a a free sixpack of Budweiser for each redeemed 'positive' test.....

           Louisiana, Mississippi, Georgia and Alabama promise fully armed Pregnancy Police Forces to hunt down girls who try escaping to New England or west coast states for abortion. Claiming extensive video surveillance will be used by PPF agents, warned one lawmaker, "Girls...if you're showin' a belly, we'll catch you on the telly...."

SUPREME COURT ALLOWS NEW YORK STATE RESIDENTS TO CARRY AROUND GUNS.... after which the 6 far right Justices celebrate with a double feature showing of "Gunfight At The O.K. Corral" and "The Wild Bunch".....says Justice Alioto, "Now there's the kind of American we've always envisioned....."

SCOTUS JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS NOW WANTS TO RECONSIDER RULING ON LEGALIZING GAY MARRIAGE.....said Thomas, "One of the main reasons I married Ginni.....she hates those limp-wristed faggots and bull dykes almost as much as I do...."

REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS SOUGHT PARDONS FROM TRUMP FOR TRYING TO HELP HIM ILLEGALLY OVERTURN THE 2020 ELECTION.....Secret video released to the Jan.6 committee showed Rep. Matt Gaetz visiting the Oval Office wearing his own custom T-shirt - "Don't wait till later...Save each Traitor!"

SEN. RON JOHNSON PRETENDS TO TALK ON THE PHONE WHEN ASKED ABOUT HIS HANDING OFF FAKE ELECTOR SLATES...... later Johnson claimed he frequently used the phone to psychically reach out to dead relatives who were buried with their own cell phones. Verizon has yet to comment as to whether they'll charge Johnson for calls to the Great Beyond......

POLICE OFFICERS IN ULVALDE HAD BALLISTIC SHEILDS AND RIFLES BUT STILL WAITED AROUND WHILE SCHOOLKIDS BEGGED FOR HELP ON 911 CALLS AS THEY WERE SLAUGHTERED.....explained one of the officers, "Listen, we have to take special care of all this expensive gear.....if those shields get damaged by bullets, we gotta write up a report, with paperwork up the gazoo.....and rifle bullets are damn expensive these days. I'm sure those kids' parents will understand our position...

RUDY GIULIANI APPEARED DRUNK DURING WHITE HOUSE MEETINGS....Trump's advisor later claimed that his hair dye with a high alcoholic content had leaked into his morning coffee......

TEXAS GOP WANTS TO SECEED FROM THE UNITED STATES.... .in another addition to their newly written platform, they suggest that the Texas National Guard lay siege to Mexico City as payback for the Alamo....screamed the assembly, "Payback's a bitch, ya damn Messkins!".

           Stay sane, one and all.....and have a wonderful weekend!

'OBI-WAN KENOBI'.....ONCE AGAIN, HE'S OUR ONLY HOPE......

 Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022)   While we realize that the entire Star Wars universe exists solely as another cash cow for Disney to forever milk, we won't mind if the Star Wars spin-offs they generate come out like this one.......

               This 6 episode limited series got just about everything right. 

                First, it has the look, the feel, the pacing and the performances of the original 'Star Wars' trilogy that captured the imagination of the entire world and made the George Lucas space operas a landmark in 20th century culture.

                 And by original trilogy, you'd better believe we're talking about what's now known as Episodes 4, 5 and 6, (or as we ancient SW fanboys knew them,  "A New Hope", "The Empire Strikes Back" and "Return Of The Jedi")

                 Here's the good stuff in no particular order:

                  A grand new John Williams theme for Obi-Wan and a solid, Williams-like score from Natalie Holt.  And the glorious, most welcome return of James Earl Jones' iconic voicing of Darth Vader.

                  A solid supporting cast, with the exception of appearances of the ever woeful Hayden Christensen....(part of the collateral damage left over from George Lucas's ruinous casting decisions for the infamous 'prequels'.....)

                    Terrifically staged lightsaber battles between Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan and Darth Vader.....and come on, let's face it......why else would anyone want to devote 6 hours of their time to an Obi-Wan series except for see some seriously punishing whoosh-whoosh smackdown duels between those two?

                    A special nod to actress Moses Ingram, taking on an especially challenging role of a vile, violent villain with a far deeper backstory and character arc than anyone imagined.  Sadly for us all, the actress suffered racist attacks from that cadre of bottom-feeding Star Wars twitter trolls who've yet to move out of their parents' basements.  To hell with them and here's hoping one day they choke to death on their primary nourishment of super-sized fries....

                    Our one and only quibble......

                    Two different characters endure a full lightsaber impalement here, right through the gut.......which we would have thought is a fatal "bye-bye, no more sequels for you" kind of injury.  But no, they somehow both recover from these seemingly catastrophic wounds.......with little explanation as to how.  Wow.  Even in a galaxy far, far away, these folks must have found some excellent health coverage.......

                   But then again, the lightsabers and assorted ray blasters do the usual grievous bodily harm to scores of Imperial Stormtroopers......once again, these nameless, faceless minions do their duty by dropping like flies in almost ten foot high piles.

                   Other than those quibbles, we'd say no Star Wars fans should pass up "Obi Wan Kenobi" (not that they're likely to.....). It's a more than worthy 4 star (****) addition to mythos. May the force be with you.....

'MAGIC'.....HORROR FOR DUMMIES.....ONE IN PARTICULAR

 Magic (1978).....surely stood apart from most horror movies of the 1970's.....in that from top to bottom, it was created, produced, written, acted and directed by overqualified A-Listers whom nobody would ever associate with horror.

               Supremely clever and talented novelist-screenwriter William Goldman ("Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid", "The Princess Bride", "Marathon Man") thought he possessed the smarts to freshen up a classic horror trope.......the ventriloquist tormented by his dummy, who's become a sentient, evil being all by himself.

                Dedicated film buffs of course remember this creepy concept from one of the episodes of the classic, multi-story 1945 British film "Dead Of Night". And an equally unsettling 'Twilight Zone' half hour did its own nasty version too. 

                 And through the decades numerous other novelists, screenwriters and directors took advantage of the fact that ventriloquist dummies ,just like circus clowns are deep down scary sons of bitches........

                  Mega-producer Joseph E. Levine made distinguished British actor-director Richard Attenborough an offer he couldn't refuse.......the chance to finally gather the financing required to create his dream project, the sweeping biography of Gandhi. 

                   ......but only if he agreed to direct "Magic" the scary dummy movie scripted by Goldman from his own novel. 

                    To class up the movie even more, the role of Corky, the ventriloquist-magician bedeviled by his dummy 'Fats' , went to the brilliant young Anthony Hopkins, who rampaged through the part with Shakespearian fervor. 

                      But Hopkins play-to-the-rafters performance, skilled as it was, only served to sabotage the effectiveness of Goldman's script, which wanted to keep you guessing as to whether 'Fats' was a genuine supernatural monster or just a figment of Corky's rapidly deteriorating psychosis.  ( a la Norman Bates and his mummified mommy in "Psycho") i

                     And with the overbearing intensity that Hopkins brings to Corky, there's never any question that he's batshit crazy from the get-go......which is why the filmmakers shouldn't have rejected the idea of casting an actual comedian in the role. 

                    Also ringing in a false note was Goldman's clumsy attempts to duplicate typical nightclub comic patter and all of 'Fats's supposed side-splitting insults and asides.  He really should have relied on some real comedy writers to supply the gags.

                     After taking its own sweet time to set up Corky and Fats' origin story, the film settles in to its main location, a remote, desolate Catskills lakeside cabin-motel. Corky's fled there from his high powered agent Ben Greene (Burgess Meredeith) who needed him to take a required medical exam to star in a network pilot.....an exam certain to reveal Corky as an unstable loon ready for rubber room. 

                     Wouldn't you know, it, the place is managed by Corky's long lost high school crush Peggy Ann Snow, (a de-glammed by still luminous Ann-Margaret). They quickly spark and re-connect, but Peggy's trapped in an abusive marriage to Duke, a hot tempered lout perfectly played by one of the best purveyors of such roles, Ed Lauter.

                     Typical horror film complications ensue with the arrivals both Ben and the the mean-spirited Duke  Ben right away discerns Corky's madness and Duke, riddled with regret over his failed marriage, suspects Corky and Peggy Ann slept together......which they did indeed....which doesn't sit well with Duke.. 

                      And neither of these guys sit very well with the eye-rolling, foul-mouthed Fats ( voiced by Hopkins and disturbingly outfitted and sculpted to resemble the actor as well.)  As Scooby-Doo so well put it......ruh-roh.  Anyone who's encountered even a few horror movies won't work up a sweat wondering how this is all going to end......

                     13 years later, as we all know, Anthony Hopkins would take the art of a scary performance to award winning heights in "Silence Of The Lambs". But here in "Magic", his work comes off as uncertain and at times, wildly uneven.  Fortunately his small but powerful supporting cast of Ann-Margaret, Meredith and Lauter all deliver MVP-worthy work.

                     Richard Attenborough, however, never really has his heart in this material and his 'Masterpiece Theater' direction keeps the film from ever moving out of low gear........(imagine, if you will this script in the hands of Sam Raimi, Tobe Hooper, George Romero or Wes Craven .....)

                    We found enough quality on display for a 2 & 1/2 star (**1/2) rating, but for everyone involved in "Magic", it's never more than slumming......(though we did love that Ann-Margaret, off all people, gets to cap the film with a great weird little moment......)

                     

'SPIDERMAN - NO WAY HOME.........3 SPIDERMEN - NO WAITING.....

 Spiderman- No Way Home (2021)    Once again, we're happy and proud to declare ourselves as the very last blogger (and possibly very last human being on the planet) to have finally, finally gotten around to seeing this movie....

               That's what comes from our status as only a mere casual observer of the perpetual parade of Marvel movies

                  Trust us.....if you can keep the whole burgeoning Marvel universe at a remote distance, you don't have to spend any time figuring out worthless concepts like knowing where and how the MCU folk exist within their multiple timeline multiverses..... 

                  We got a throbbing headache just writing 'multiple timeline multiverses'.......

                   Having now viewed it, we present these few brief observations......

                   #1.  Color us amazed that so many people felt easily impressed by this movie's idea of gravitas.......from the random decision to kill off a beloved, defenseless character to the supposed gut-wrenching tragedy of Spidey-boy's overwhelmingly adorable cutie pie MJ (Zendaya) not remembering him.  You'll pardon us for not weeping.

                    #2.  The battles.......True confession......we've now sat through so many of these CGI-fueled superhero smackdowns, that one of the extended dustups in' 'No Way Home' actually made us doze off....for real, no kidding. You can only watch so many digital spandex bodies collide with each other or bounce off other inanimate objects before your eyes glaze over......(-and yes, we notice how the superfights drag on longer and longer in each successive Marvel film.....maybe Sony and Disney should once again form another unholy alliance and allow ESPN commentators to offer play-by-play narration....

                       #3. The crowd of multiple spider guys,  Let us not forget the real reason  why Sony keeps pumping out these cash cow SpiderEpics on a regular basis, even if it means going to the trouble of fashioning unnecessary alternate universe sequels like Andrew Garfield's 'Amazing Spiderman' entries. If they don't, then the film rights to Spiderman and his accompanying universe would automatically revert to Disney.  Fanboys can kid themselves that this  3 generation traffic jam of spiderboys is a stroke of staggering Marvel genius.......but get a grip, guys.....it's the collateral damage from business deals......nothing but.pure, adulterated naked movie studio greed lies behind it.

                     Maybe we should feel thankful that MGM and Sony didn't deploy Pierce Brosnan, Timothy Dalton and George Lazenby to show up and help out Daniel Craig in "No Time To Die"...

                      #4. The closing credits teasers... we'll not even go there.....except to loudly shriek and  reiterate.....We...Do....Not....Give.....A.....Rat's.....Ass.  Let us all now indulge in a nostalgic sigh for the those wonderful bygone days when, as the final credits rolled, we could gather up our coats and those half-filled popcorn buckets and candy boxes......and walk the hell up the theater aisles and go the hell home. And not miss those vital teasers we'd need to join in future twitter conversations. 

                    So what's our final word on "Spiderman - No Way Home"?   

                     Regardless of how many people blubbered, cheered and grossly overpraised it, for us it never rose above 2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2)   Okay fun while it lasts.....but it lasts too damn long. 

'THE BATMAN'.....THE FEEL-GOOD MOVIE OF THE YEAR....FOR BIPOLAR MANIC-DEPRESSIVE NIHILISTS.....

 The Batman (2022)......can indeed boast of one major achievement.

             It's turned Tim Burton's much derided 1992 "Batman Returns" into a rediscovered, newly appreciated masterwork.......a much more finely tuned, entertaining  trip to the dark side, as opposed 'The Batman' pounding you over the head for 3 long, long hours. 

             For those who've put the first crop of 'Batman' movies out their memories or off their radar, Burton's sequel rubbed folks the wrong way with its taking Batman and his villains into even darker, more perverse and violent territory. 

              Though the film boasted truly bravura performances by Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman and Danny DeVito as The Penguin, the level of carnage and cruelty didn't quite make it a good fit for its MacDonald's Happy Meal souvenir cups and toys.......

               And so the franchise fell to director Joel Schumacher, who turned the subsequent entries, "Batman Forever" and "Batman And Robin" into ludicrous, campy circuses. .....which as of today, nobody mentions, except in dismissive smirks.

               Then enter director Christopher Nolan with his spectacular 'Dark Knight' trilogy, kicking off with 2005's "Batman Begins"......

               By wiping Tim Burton's exuberant comic-book veneer off the characters, Nolan stripped down the Batman mythos to grim, dark noir, accentuated by Christian Bale's raspy-voice Caped Crusader.....(later given well-deserved parodies in the "Lego" animated films. 

              Now writer-director Matt Reeves ("Cloverfield", "Let Me In", the recent "Planet Of The Apes" series) takes Nolan's hellish Bat-Universe even further into the abyss.......3 solid, never ending, tortuous hours of Robert Pattinson's tormented Batman battling demons from his past......literally. 

              These various demons take the form of John Turturro as a mob 'Godfather' refugee, Colin Farrell as The Penguin, letting 87 layers of rubber makeup do most of his acting for him and Paul Dano as a vengeful loony-toon, given to screaming, childish temper tantrums almost equal to Donald Trump's. 

               And don't look for any measure of guilty pleasure fun in Zoe Karavitz as Catwoman. . Unlike Michelle Pfeiffer's feline, who looked like she was having the time of her life with role, Kravitz stays within the deadly serious parameters of 'The Batman', mostly glowering while displaying her gym-sculpted torso.

               As for Pattinson, doing the required monotone, raspy-voiced Batguy.......nothing much to say. As far as we could tell, Matt Reeves could've picked any actor to stuff into that sculpted rubber suit....with the same results. 

               Yes, this glum interminable voyage into the abyss does perk up with a few rip-roarin' action sequences, but they're no different from stuff you'd see in the Marvel superhero movies......and at least in the Marvels, the action whim-whams are better lit and more fun to watch. 

               The title gave us fair warning. Referring to its hero as the Batman, as if he's preparing for a coronation.

                We give up trying to understand how so many film critics and pop culture commentators roll over for these pretentious, dark-as-pitch Batman endurance tests.  While Christopher Nolan's level of cinematic artistry managed to made the Dark Knight trilogy come off as urgently compelling,  "The Batman" so wallows and celebrates its own darkness, it fall down an endless rabbit hole of its own making. 

                And we anxiously do not await the next one. 1 & 1/2 stars (*1/2)

           

'CYRANO'.....A MUSICAL VERSION WHERE HEIGHT TRUMPS THE NOSE......

 Cyrano (2021)    We're thrilled that Peter Dinklage finally landed his very own star vehicle.....like just about everybody else who's seen his work, we're a fan of this actor.......who always attacks his roles with a gifted sense of nuance and intensity......

                Yes, the idea sounds intriguing enough......a Cyrano de Bergerac whose affliction is no longer his lengthy nose but his diminutive height. And we could tell Dinklage latched on to this project as one of the most plumb roles every created for an actor. 

                But we surely wish he's found a better vehicle than this one.

                Not that a 'Cyrano' put to music is a bad idea......Andrew Lloyd Webber, in his heyday, might have had a field day with this material, drenched in aching unrequited love and feverish melodrama.

                 But the composer and lyricist here fall nowhere near that level.  The music score here is pasted on to the film like bland wallpaper.......when songs wander into this movie, a few of them sound fleetingly pretty but they're all so bland you could forget them while you're still listening to them. 

                And what little choreography appears is fairly ludicrous.......regimented swaying that resembles the much ridiculed dance numbers of the woeful 1973 musicalized "Lost Horizon".

                 To make things worse, Dinklage must sing. While he makes a valiant attempt to carry a tune, you can sense his embarrassed struggling in every note he hits. And that's enough said about the music.

                 His performance as 'Cyrano', as we expected is nothing less than a show stopper.....he's dashing, witty, romantic, and when provoked, one hell of a fiercely lethal swordsman.  If we graded this film on his work alone, we'd serve up 5 stars. 

                 But ultimately, he's undone by the film itself......slow, dull and afflicted with a blah, unmemorable music score.....making it a grinding 1 star (*) slog to get through.

                Hope springs eternal in showbiz, so we'll hope Peter Dinklage at last finds a film worthy of his prodigious talents.

'FEMALE TROUBLE'.....JOHN WATERS PREDICTS THE COMING OF TODAY'S FAME WHORES......

 Female Trouble (1974)    15 minutes into our re-watch of this film, one of writer-director John Waters' notorious, infamous, deliberately trashy epics (along with 'Pink Flamingos'), we realized applying any kind of usual reviewing structure was futile. 

             We'd face a task equivalent to reviewing a film imported from another planet, populated with aliens whose lives, aspirations, behavior and morality fell far, far beyond human comprehension.....

             Waters stock company of....uh.....'actors', a collection of the oddest outcasts and oddballs from his native, beloved Baltimore performed like no other company of actors anyone had ever seen.

             Deliberately posed to face the camera directly, they'd loudly announce their dialogue to each other in declarative sentences, establishing Waters' signature directing style. There's no way on earth anyone could mistake a Waters film as anybody's else's but Waters. 

             90 minutes sounds like a terminally long time to watch a film performed this way....(it's like sitting through an X-rated play performed by an amateur community theater group)........but whenever your eyes might start rolling upward in impatience, Waters and his cast will spring some outrageous, disgusting and hilarious moment to keep you riveted. That you can depend on. 

            What struck us most about "Female Trouble" was not its dauntless efforts to shock us.....(in the shock-a-rama arena, its already been eclipsed by countless other movies that came after it).  What did catch our immediate interest was the prescient, scary and all too accurate depiction of a fame whore.......an individual with no discernible talent or ability except an obsessive, near psychotic hunger for attention.....whose singular ambition is only to stand in the spotlight of the public eye for no reason whatsoever.

             In the rise and fall of the constantly enraged and obese Dawn Davenport (female impersonator and Waters' favorite muse Divine), the director presents an individual who'll let nothing stand in her way to command the audience she so desperately craves. 

            We won't even begin to detail Dawn's journey to attain her ultimate goal of worldwide notoriety......which includes mutilations and multiple murders.   By the time she assembles a paying audience to watch her jump on a trampoline, eat raw fish and madly convulse as if afflicted with seizures, her need to become 'famous for being famous' cannot not be quenched in any rational way.

            That's why Dawn's final, spectacular gesture, which elevates her to the pinnacle she quested for all her miserable life, seems inevitable.

            And in Dawn, we could easily see the future rise of today's 'reality stars'.....the preening, posing array of public figures who've achieved their fame though......well, nothing much except their constant preening, posing and perpetual addiction to publicity. And their performing abilities aren't much far removed from the John Waters company of amateur misfits who populate "Female Trouble"......they're just a little more attractive.

           We didn't have to spend a whole lot of time connecting the dots between Dawn Davenport and the Kardashians, the bachelorettes of 'The Bachelor', the odious Kate Gosselin and the near biblical plague of Tik-Tok-Instagram 'influencers'

              That peek into the future is what now gives "Female Trouble" an extra sharp, satirical kick....and made coming back to it a 3 star (***) fascinating watch. 

             

             

'THE INVISIBLE BOY'.....ROBBY THE ROBOT VS. HAL 9000'S ANCESTOR

 The Invisible Boy (1957)......sort of functions as an unofficial sequel to MGM's classic sci-fi blockbuster from the previous year, the now legendary "Forbidden Planet".....

            But unlike the sequels of today which double-down on the budget, effects and spectacle, 1950's follow-ups were usually done fast and dirt cheap for a quick cash grab.

              "The Invisible Boy" done in black-and-white on a budget of possibly 150 bucks or lower, finds a way to deposit "Forbidden Planet" s beloved robot Robby from his 23rd century existence into this film's current timeframe of the mid 1950's.

                Somehow a 50's science wiz zapped himself into the future and brought back Robby, complete with Robby's souvenir photo of his own bulky self stepping off the "Forbidden Planet" saucer ship after it landed back on earth. . 

              In this film's scientific organization, apparently a precursor of NASA, nobody finds the parking of Robby three centuries into the past as anything groundbreaking and extraordinary. The careless brain trust just disassembled him and their genius-in-chief, Dr. Merrinoe parked the pieces in his garage like assorted junk awaiting a yard sale. 

               Meanwhile, Dr. Merrinoe (Phillip Abbot) frets over his not-too-bright 10 year old son Timmie (Richard Eyer) who slurps his soup and can't comprehend multiplication. So on take-your-dumb-brat-to-work-day, dad introduces the kid to his pride and joy - a Sooper-Dooper Computer, borrowed from the Spenser Tracy-Katherine Hepburn comedy "Desk Set".  Like all 1950's computers, it's a a bunch of spinning tape discs, a vast board of little blinky-blinky lights and a big glass dome with spinning wheelie things.

               The ever clueless Dr. Merrinoe doesn't realize Sooper Dooper Computer is secretly an evil son-of-a-bitch plotting world domination and extinction of all living things.  The S-D-C hypnotizes Timmie with its blinky-blinky lights and has the kid re-assemble Robby to operate as a big-ass minion.

                Timmie, who's much smarter now from blinky-blinky light therapy, uses Robby as a playmate, having the robot build him his very own remote control flying kite he can grab on to like a an airborne theme park ride.  For even more fun, Timmie uses Robbie and Sooper Dooper to render himself invisible so he can prank a school bully and his dad's entire team of scientists. 

                Sooper Dooper Computer has bigger fish to fry though, turning an Army general and all of Dr. Merrinoe's science guys into slave-minions, via brain implants inserted by Robby.  (which might lead one to wonder how Robby conducts such delicate surgery with his thick, rubbery two-fingered hands...)

                 From this description, if you think this movie can't get any crazier, you're so wrong......Sooper Dooper then has Robby spirit away Timmie into a conveniently parked rocket ship, blasting them off into outer space, from which Sooper Sooper will continue its conquest of the universe or whatever.

                 And here's something we never dreamed we'd see in a kid-oriented 50's movie..... in order to extract the essential secret codes it needs from Dr. Merrinoe, the S-D-C threatens to let him and his wife watch a video feed of  Robby slowly torturing little Timmie.....for days no less......to commence with Robby using his fat rubber finger to squish Timmie's eyes. Holy yikes!

                But to everyone's relief, Robby still remember sci-fi writer Issac Asimov's most famous first law of robotics......that a robot can never harm a human being.  The Rob-inator saves the day,  brings Timmie safely back to earth and evil Sooper Dooper doesn't even get enough time to sing "Daisy....Daisy, give me your answer do"...... 

                The script, by "Forbidden Planet"s writer Cyril Hume, throws all this loony stuff into the movie like spaghetti hurled against a wall......including some Cold War references to "those guys on the other side of the Pole"  (we're not sure if that means Russians or penguins...)  And we wouldn't have it any other way.  

                As cheap and slapped together as it is, we dearly loved "The Invisible Boy" taking us on a nostalgic tour of so many 1950's tropes.....the science gone awry, the domestic bliss (with Timmie enduring enough parental spankings to make his ass redder than Mars)......and the wondrous, glorious first metallic movie star, Robby The Robot, who sadly retired from feature films to a career of multiple cameos in "Twilight Zone" episodes. 

                Robby, we hardly knew ye......but you live in our hearts forever.  And given what happened to future Sooper Dooper Computers like Hal 9000 and Colossus The Forbin Project, you had the right idea in "The Invisible Boy".....go medieval on that sucker. 3 & 1/2 stars (***1/2)