A Fine Pair (1968).....was the second romantic thriller pairing the all American Hollywood chunk 'o granite Rock Hudson and the bubbly, ultra sexy international superstar babe Claudia Cardinale......a few years earlier in '66 they struck a few sparks in Universal studios slick comedy-suspenser "Blindfold".....(see our post of 6/6/17)
Alas, what a difference a couple of years makes, especially for the Rock of aging....Hudson.....
His golden age stardom years behind him and due to move on the grazing pastures of a TV series, Hudson found himself uncomfortably stuck in 'A Fine Pair', a prime example of a sub-genre that would soon rule the 70's.......dubbed in English Italian Euro-Junk.
A little bit of background here: Britain's 1960's reign as the pop culture center of the universe (movies, fashion, music) was fast coming to a close and it seemed like the world of cinema found Rome as the next bustling center of production, artistry, celebrity......and yes, Euro-Trash movies by the boatload.
For those of us who savor such films (and one of the main staples of our blog)....we enjoyed a perpetual tsunami of dubbed-in crapola that washed ashore from Italy.........cheesy secret agent movies, outrageous 'Exorcist' ripoffs, spaghetti westerns, gory 'Giallo's with gallons of blood,....and the Italians' particular specialty, positively brutal, nihilistic mafia 'n gangster shoot 'em ups......
Many, many American actors, from hungry new youngsters to washed up Hollywood warhorses, found their way overseas to star in all of these Italian genres......some found stardom, some found a steady paycheck, some found the deep embarrassment to their careers that they'd come to expect as part of the deal..........
Rock Hudson, in particular, troupes through 'A Fine Pair' as if undergoing a lengthy prostate exam. Claudia Cardinale, however, bounces through this movie like a life-of-the-party live wire who's having the time of her life.
The painful fact: for those who don't collect and curate Euro-Trash like we do, there's only two reasons to sit through this film at all.......
The first - the astounding sight of Cardinale, stripped to her panties and bra, being spritzed by Hudson, wielding twin seltzer bottles. (They've broken into a mansion and the only way to disarm the security system is to heat up the room to 140 degrees........honest....)
The second - a chance to listen to one of master maestro Ennio Morricone's sprightliest romantic comedy scores, brimming with his typical choral bah-bah-bah, catchy percussion and chanting.
(Speaking of Cardinale, the cruel irony here: in the dubbing, you hear her unmistakable throaty voice in this junky movie, and yet it's somebody else voicing her in the all time classic "Once Upon A Time In The West"......why, why why?)
Beyond that, you'd have to tolerate all the downsides of these euro-messes.....the muddy, grainy cinematography, a completely post-synched, dubbed soundtrack that makes everyone sound like they're stuck in a closet together and a patchwork incomprehensible story slapped together by multiple Italian screenwriters.....(none of whom, we guess, ever spoke to each other during their labors)
And that's why we'll make no real attempt to get into to the film's plot here......it starts out with a New York police captain Hudson hoodwinked, flustered and otherwise bamboozled by the irrepressible, cute-as-button Cardinale, playing the now grown-up daughter of a cop in Italy who was one of Hudson't old friends.
It seems that Claudia's a professional jewel thief who wants Rock to break into a wealthy American family's Austrian resort mansion to.....uh.....replace the jewels stolen from their safe before they arrive on vacation......
Please don't ask us to explain that. We couldn't anyway....... and.the film's final twists are so dizzying and senseless, they defy any rational explanation........
A few last things in the film's favor before we bid it goodbye forever........pop up appearances by instantly recognizable character actors Ellen Corby ("The Waltons") and Leon Askin ("Hogans Heroes")........and only a true Euro-trash movie would use the Pope and the massive crowd around him as a mere backdrop to our two leads canoodling over some noodles.....
For anyone not used to this uniquely odd genre of international filmmaking, we'd say avoid it......you won't like it. But for fans of vintage oddball cinema and the performers who stumbled into it......we'll generously give "A Fine Pair" 2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2)......maybe cause of that dream we had about spraying seltzer on an almost naked Claudia Cardinale......
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