Friday, October 11, 2019

'PET SEMATARY'...........SHLOCK TREATMENT.......

Pet  Sematary (2019)     Not that we'd ever dream of doing this to any of our beloved blog visitors......

                 Suppose we snuck up on you and gave you a sudden poke in the back..........or maybe jumped out of your closet, wearing the most repugnant Halloween mask we could find......(possibly of Rudy Giuliani or Stephen Miller.......)

                 "Aaahhh," you might exclaim (or something similar) and visibly flinch or jump.......

                  Gave you a good scare, did we? Made you jump?  Yay us. And you know what was absolutely NOT required of us to accomplish this?

                   Talent. Artistry. Or even a smidge of creativity.

                   Those little things you look for and expect in a movie.  Even a horror movie.

                    Now we're not naive about the state of most horror films today. The people who make them aren't interested in taking the time to steadily build up an atmosphere of dread and rising terror.........

                    They just want to make you jump out of your seat  every three to four minutes, as if they wired your chair with a built in taser......

                      These guys no doubt consider themselves clever and skillful artists for doing that. But in essence, they're no different than the old shlockmeister William Castle......who stuck joy buzzers under the seats while audience members watched his "The Tingler"......and deployed a skeleton on a wire to dive bomb  the crowd as they watched his "House On Haunted Hill"

                      Our point:   these filmmakers aren't making real movies. They're just running a filmed version of that  Chamber Of Commerce 'Haunted House' attraction out on Route 71.....that costs you five bucks to get into, between October 1st and 31st every year.......the one where teen part-timers put sheets over their heads and wait to jump out at you as you walk up the stairs.......

                     Sure, you'll jump. But nobody ever mistakes it for art........

                      Which is why BQ says don't waste a minute or a penny of your time and money on "Pet Sematary".  Not when your kids, your friends, your neighbors or those pimply teens in the Haunted House out on Route 71 can give you the same effect.......

                       All they have to do is jump out of the closet.......or poke you in the back.

                    You're better off reading the superb Stephen King book, in which he  brilliantly poured out all his fear and dread of what the loss of a loved one entails.......that one's a 4 star horror experience......

                       This movie?  Nothing but a joke shop Halloween store......made by people who think they're geniuses for wiring up your seats.  Zero stars (0)

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