MURDER, SHE WHINED.......... "THE LAST HOUSE GUEST".......

The Last House Guest by Megan Miranda (2019)    Major rule for today's thriller novelists......

              If all the characters basically suck, you'd better be extra clever........keep all the balls up in the air so readers don't  stop to realize they really don't give a crap whodunit or who lives or dies......

               Megan Miranda pulled that off in "All The Missing Girls", with her high-wire stunt of unraveling the plot in reverse chronological order.........

                No such cleverness occurs here. Miranda gives  you plenty of time to observe that everybody in this book is obnoxious in one way or another..........even worse, she periodically sinks the story into those dreaded, impenetrable pages of heavy-handed description.........you know, the parts of the book you can impatiently skim through fast without missing the plot.......

               The author does at least pick the least repulsive character as her sole narrator. Doesn't help much.......they're all a bunch of entitled creeps, with no discernible wit to make them any fun to follow or listen to.......

              The plot in an extreme nutshell: (and oh Sweet Lord, does BQ hate doing this....)  Our lead player, Avery, manages rental properties on a Maine island vacation spot. She works for the super-rich Loman family, who provided her with a home and a job, functioning as a sort of surrogate family after she survived the accidental death of her parents and a wild, lawless adolescence.......

              After growing up along side the freewheeling, spoiled scions of the Loman clan, Parker and Sadie, it finally dawns on Avert that she'll never be their equals.........especially after Sadie goes plummeting off a cliff, an apparent suicide.  (Say it with me, altogether.....OR WAS IT?????!!!!)

             The book veers from mildly diverting to stone cold boring..........you'll start to think you're stuck on an island with modern-day versions of the party-goers from "The Great Gatsby"......

              The big twists and reveals are okay, I suppose.......but getting there's a chore.

               1 star (*) for a so-so beach read. But only if you like your beach reads to lull you into naps all afternoon.........

             

SUICIDE BY SIDE..........."THE PARTY'S JUST BEGINNING"

The Party's Just Beginning (2018)    I normally should loathe and despise this little movie.......a prime example of navel-gazing, convoluted indie film gibberish.......

              Can't do it.  'Cause if you peer through the typical morass of the random dysfunction and depression on display, you can spot and savor glimmers of raw talent here........from a gifted, thoughtful filmmaker, showing a sure hand with actors and a firm command of visual storytelling.

              And the writer-director I speak of here: none other than actress Karen Gillam, former 'Dr.Who' sidekick who now romps through Marvel superhero stuff and 'Jumanji' reboots.....

               Her first smart move was gifting the film with herself as the lead - a misery-stricken 20-something haunted by the suicide of her best friend......(within a single camera shot, Gillam can go from movie-star stunning to the acne-ridden girl-next-door without blinking an eye.....she's brilliant that way.....)

               As she repeatedly torments herself with an imagined violent version of her friend's death, she seeks solace in random binges......curbside sex with total strangers, alcohol and bags and bags of chips (fries, for you American visitors).........

               There's not much else here........it's Indie-world, after all......no real story, no forward momentum, just remote observation of character and behavior......

              But Gillam still grips your attention and holds on to it........and in her careful wide-screen compositions you can tell she knows, unlike the usual spate of film festival phonies, how to make a film that resonates visually.  She not only can direct her cast skillfully, she's got a cinematic eye.

               It's a tough business and most indie darlings who make circuitous, self-indulgent mind-trips like this don't get another shot at it........thankfully. But Gillam's got genuine filmmaking chops.....and she's one writer-director-actor that BQ would love to see keep making movies.

               2 stars (**)......but more, please. Armed with a real script and a real story, Karen Gillam could easily knock one out of the park.......


           

HERRMANN ON THE HUNT..........TRACKING DOWN "ON DANGEROUS GROUND"

On Dangerous Ground (1951)  brazenly parades all its many flaws for a breathless 82 minutes......

              But you can't look away.

              Not so much a unified film, it plays more like two separate trailers for two separate movies.........one for an ultra-noir about a burned out cop who's taken to pounding on suspects.........and the second for a taciturn,more reserved city cop adrift in snowy landscapes while falling for the blind sister of the killer he's hunting.

                The only thing the two chunks of the film have in common: the cop in each half is played by  Robert Ryan, in top form.

                First up comes the fast 'n sketchy pissed-off burnout story........Ryan's Jim Wilson, disgusted with big city crime,  ruptures a perp's bladder during one of his more gentle interrogations.  Of course, it's 1951, so this only earns him a relatively modest warning from his chief (Ed Begley).  But oopsie.....Jim loses his volcanic temper again with another scumbag, prompting the Chief to ship the raging cop up north.....to the upstate frosty tundras where a teen girl's murderer needs catching.

                 Thus ends the first half of the movie.......and then it's off the blinding white snowy hills where our boy Jim, now way more restrained and quiet, goes killer-huntin' along with the murdered girl's furious, borderline hysterical father (Ward Bond, at his very Ward Bond-iest).

                 Their chase leads them to the remote house of the murderer's sister (Ida Lupino) a doe-eyed, deer-in-the-headlights blind girl.......surprise, surprise, big Jim's instantly smitten, his hardened heart melting faster than a global warmed Alaska......

                 And there you have the two stories jammed into "On Dangerous Ground"s swift running time.......but it's the second half that stays with you, for multiple reasons......

                 There's the sad, final twist.....Lupino's killer brother revealed as a terrified, mentally challenged youngster.....he's like a puppy-dog version of Lenny from "Of Mice And Men"....

                 Then there's the pure Hollywood-ized ending, designed to lift an audience's hearts.....(but asking them to shut their brains off to swallow it.....)

                  Best of all, there's a stellar, classic performance by the real MVP of this film, the legendary composer Bernard Herrmann.  Herrmann's prime showstopper here is his " The Death Hunt". It's an explosive symphonic burst of pure excitement that accompanies Ryan and Bond as they scramble after their quarry through icy, unforgiving snowscapes.

                The wildly frenzied music remained one of Herrmann's favorite  scoring moments and you can easily hear why.......( listen carefully and you can also pick up snatches of themes he later put to use in "Vertigo" and "North By Northwest.")

                  The movie?  A slapped together mess......barely stitched together with tropes borrowed from dozens of other, better movies. But director Nicholas Ray, his actors and Bernard Herrmann function at the very pinnacle of their talents.......and BQ loved every deeply flawed minute of it.          4 stars (****)

               

BEACHED BLANKET BINGO............LOW TIDE FOR "DON'T MAKE WAVES"

Don't Make Waves (1967)    How could I, the self-confessed lover of all oddball 1960's movies, ever say a detrimental word against this one..........

              It'd be like kicking a puppy I just adopted........

             If you gaze hard enough at this movie, at the core of it, you can glimpse the blistering satire of Southern California lifestyles that it was meant to be.......maybe. Who knows.

             Unlike the more obvious, blatant attempts at this sub-genre ("The Loved One", "Lord Love A Duck"), "Don't Make Waves"  mostly drowns whatever wit it possesses in a sea of frantic slapstick farce.......

               The ever game Tony Curtis functions as a sort of 'Alice In Malibu-Land', wandering among beachside body builders, and a variety of self-absorbed SoCal eccentrics......including a hot-tempered, mercurial actress-artist (Claudia Cardinale) and a sky-diving bikini-babe named.....can ya dig it....Malibu (played by the tragically doomed Sharon Tate....leaving behind at least one lasting legacy - the inspiration for the Malibu Barbie doll....)

                Watching this unfold, you wish it were funnier and sharper, even as it mires itself in dumb physical comedy, stuff left over from other 60's rom-coms........but to its credit, it makes an all-out attempt to stand out in the crowd with its spectacular finish.

                The finale may be the only thing anyone vaguely remembers about "Don't Make Waves"..........the film traps its major cast members in a cliffside beach house perched on a mountain of mud......during a relentless rainstorm.

                In the immortal words of Scooby-Doo......ruh-roh......

                This sequence almost rivals "The Rains Of Ranchipur" in its sheer commitment to spectacle........ the mud gives way and the house goes tumbling end over end down the hill.........(and if you think this movie has enough smarts to use this scene as a metaphor for the un-moored, clueless lives of the Californians it depicts....you're being generous.(

                As promised, you won't hear BQ complain loudly.  How could I?   Come on......we're talkin'  Claudia, Sharon.....and the incredible whoopsie-daisy beach house........that's worth at the very least 2 & 1/2 stars(** 1/2) - .the satire's watered down, the comedy's desperate.......but it never bores.

               

           

       

PARADE MADNESS UPDATE!.......BQ SCORES THE SCHEDULE FOR THE "4TH OF TRUMP" BASH!!!

               Another hot scoop handed to BQ in a locked briefcase.......by favorite source and informant......MI6 Agent 008 - Code Name "Pee-Onya".......

                No one's supposed to have this, but here it is......24 hours in advance, all the scheduled events at President Trump's 4th Of July Parade and Celebration.......so be forewarned.....all of this constitutes SPOILER ALERTS!


10:00 AM TO 12 NOON -   "Parade Of The Captive Children"    Over 50 Flatbed trucks displaying cages that contain hundreds upon hundreds of jailed children separated from their parents.
Any spectator wearing a MAGA cap will be give free tomatoes and assorted small rocks to hurl at the cages as they go by......

12 NOON TO 2 PM   -   'Very Good People' Marching Band    One of the best parade bands in the country made up entirely of Neo-Nazis, complete with drums, brass, flutes and Tiki Torches. Includes the band's incredible finish - baton twirlers hop into a car and plow it into anyone not wearing a MAGA hat.

2 PM TO 4 PM        "Tanks! You're Welcome!"    A massive array of military might......the very same tanks that will soon deploy at the border to roll over asylum-seekers.....and next year, to form a defensive ring around the White House, should the President lose the election........

4 PM TO 6 PM       Butchers On Parade     A stunning procession of giant floating balloons honoring the President's most cherished friends.....including: realistic replica of the Saudi Crown Prince holding Jamal Khashoggi's left leg in his teeth,.... a.replica of Kim Jung Un throttling American student Otto Warmbier........and the showstopper, a 50 foot, smiling Vladimir Putin, a 'thumbs up' in one hand, the other hand clutching a pile of U.S. polling place ballots.......

6 PM TO 7 PM     Melania Trump's "Be Best" Children's Choir    The First Lady leads a choir of 4rth Graders in singing "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me", while the President writes insulting nicknames for each of the kids on a 20 foot tall wipe-off board.

7 PM TO 7:08 PM     Parade Of Celebrities  Jon Voigt, Scott Baio and Kevin Sorbo wave, smile and beg for employment.

7:08 PM to 7:10 PM   "Pants On Fire" float   In a colorful tribute to fellow truth telling journalists, Kelly Anne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders appear costumed as famous wartime propagandists Axis Sally and Tokyo Rose. Sarah keeps her head especially held up high.

7:10 PM TO 7:30 PM       The "Access Hollywood" Pussy-Grabbing" Bus   The very same original vehicle, now converted to a flower-decorated float......waving to crowds from the top of the bus: special parade guests R. Kelly and Harvey Weinstein.

7:30 PM TO 8 PM       The "They're Not Heroes" Float    An extra special attraction - a cage holding U.S. veterans who were prisoners of war.....(rounded up for the parade on the suspicion of being transgender). Once again, MAGA hat spectators get free tomatoes for throwing at them.

8 PM to 10 PM       "MAKE AMERICA.....ME!"   President Trump addresses the crowd and promises to uphold democracy for his next seven terms of office..

10 PM TO GLOBAL APOCALYPSE    The Last Fireworks You'll Ever See  National Security Adviser John Bolton sets off a spectacular launch of nuclear missiles headed for Iran.

And there you have it.........make sure to grill up lots of burgers and hot dogs.........and start digging that bomb shelter in a hurry......


             

AMERICA'S PRINCESS SPEAKS!.......IVANKA TOLERATES A BQ Q & A!!!!

              Yes, you read that headline right.........BQ brings you an exclusive interview you can't get from any other news source or blog........

                BQ caught up with the globe-trotting First Daughter as she hobnobbed with world leaders at the G20 Summit......

BQ:         Ivanka, can we speak to you a minute?

IVANKA:  Give me a sec.....(TO ASSEMBLED WORLD LEADERS:)  Have any of you been on the "It's a Small World" ride at Disneyland?  Oh my, does that ever put it in perspective for you......and besides, it's just the cutest thing ever......all those little dolls dressed up in your countries' costumes.....

BQ:        Uh......Ivanka, they're all walking away. In disgust, from the look of it.......

IVANKA:    Hey, everyone.....don't leave without your complimentary Ivanka Designer Bras!  I autographed all of them!    Now then, who are you, again?

BQ:              The Beached Quill Blog.......Listen, isn't it fairly ridiculous for you to keep inserting yourself into world events like this?  What is your job exactly......other than being the President's daughter?

IVANKA:     First of all, you cannot address me by my first name. My formal job title is International Ambassadoress To The World At Large......or simply use Daddy's description......Her Royal Hotness.

BQ:             But Ivanka, there's no royalty in the United States Of America. We're a democracy.

IVANKA:    Oh not for long........Daddy's working on that.  In fact, he promised me, after his 3rd term in office, he'd officially hold a coronation, making Jared and I the Duke And Duchess Of D.C.

BQ:            Wow.  So what did you have to say to Kim Jung Un?

IVANKA:    What a treat!  Daddy usually prefers I only speak to the leaders who haven't killed anybody yet......he prefers to keep the global murderers all to himself, but he made an exception this time.  I told Kim how amazing it is that he keeps all the North Koreans slim and trim......they all look like they could fit into my latest designer creations!

BQ:            That's cause he's starving them.

IVANKA:   Well, I'm a glass half-full kind of gal.....on the bright side, he's certainly licked the obesity problem over there....except for himself, maybe.....

BQ:           Ivanka, what I and most of America can't quite understand..........what in God's name are your qualifications for being in the White House?

IVANKA:   I think it's a combination of many things, really.........mainly, I'm smokin' hot and the President's daughter. That about covers it, don't you think?

BQ:        And that qualifies you to converse with world leaders and advise the President?

IVANKA:   (WHISPERING OUT LOUD:)  Don't spread this around, okay......but between you and me, there's nobody in our administration who's qualified to do any of the crap we're supposed to be doing.......(GIGGLES).......

BQ:        Um......does that include your father?

IVANKA:    Especially Daddy!   Hey, wait......don't I know you?   Aren't you the guy who calls Daddy 'Baby Orange'  on that nasty blog?

BQ:      I know you're busy, so I'll let you get back to whatever it is you think you do......thanks for taking the time-

IVANKA:    Security!

DAKOTA BOLDLY GOES.........WHY "PLEASE STAND BY" DIDN'T MAKE ME HURL......

Please Stand By (2017)    By now, BQ visitors know the love-hate relationship I have with independent film.......

                Okay, honestly, it seems like it tilts to the 'hate' side more often than not......

                But I plead innocent........it's not my fault indies attract the worst of the cinema community.........self-indulgent babies who wrap themselves in a false aura of artistry because they maxed out their mom's credit card to shoot a movie on their cellphone.........

                  That's why you have film festivals clogged to capacity with unwatchable sludge about angst-ridden millennials  returning to their dysfunctional home towns.......blecccchhhhhhhhhhh......

                    Stop the presses!  (That is, if there were any presses left....) Here's one indie I couldn't help but hug 'n love......

                  How could anyone resist this.........Dakota Fanning applying her A-game to playing a severely autistic girl who's a rabid Trekkie.......and writer of a 400 plus page fanfiction screenplay....

                   Fanning's painful realistic portrayal of her character's affliction breaks your heart every step of the way........as the film's story sends her on a unsupervised odyssey from San Francisco to Los Angeles to enter her script in a Paramount Studios contest for the Trek-o-holics......

                   Naturally, you could predict all the travelogue episodes in which Fanning encounters equal measures of compassion and cruelty.........but that didn't make them any less compelling.......including a wonderfully surprising moment when she's confronted by gentle, sympathetic beat cop (Patton Oswalt)........

                   That's all the description you'll get here.......BQ says put it on your 'to view' list right away.....4 stars (****)  there now, I just tilted the whole 'love-hate-indie' thing over to the 'love side....