AS THE SMOKE CLEARS ON THE MID-TERMS......A FEW RANDOM MUSINGS.....

             Our U.S. mid-term elections remind us of the aftermath of one of those 1950's H-Bomb tests...

              Infinite amounts of heat........and a toxic cloud of radiation still hovering.......

              A mixed bag. Split decision. Everybody's simultaneous winners and losers.

              What frightens us the most.......that a chunk of the electorate has permanently embraced the most racist,blatantly lying, anti-American, anti-Democracy ignoramus ever to be elected President.

               So the ongoing civil war of a deeply divided nation remains as violent and incendiary as ever.......

                The war goes on. The Resistance (of which we're proud to call ourselves a member)......versus the Cult Of Baby Orange, people who've sacrificed everything at the altar of their Dear Leader......their moral compass, their humanity, their own self-interest and common sense.....

                Drinking deeply of the cult kool-aid, they blindly accept whatever insane lies pour out of their hero's mouth.......watching them nod their heads at Baby Orange's Nuremberg rallies is a more terrifying sight than any horror film we've ever seen or written about.

                There's really nothing to celebrate here........including the thought of all those Democratic congress-people making Baby Orange's life difficult for the next two years.....

                More civil war, more amped-up hateful rhetoric........and no telling how much more damage we will all inflict on ourselves as the years drag on.......

               Where does this all end?  We've no idea.

               But we're pretty sure of this........if the Democrats don't find a 2020 Presidential candidate to rid the nation of Baby Orange.......by 2024, when he declares himself President For Life, we'll no longer be known as the United States Of America......or America at all, for that matter.....

"HARDBODIES"........"I DON'T F*** FOSSILS FOR FREE......"

Hardbodies (1984)    Here's the amazing thing about those early fun days of video stores......(and we know whereof we speak, having begun our long video-business career in one......)

               The sudden, exploding novelty of VCRs and video stores made movie renters (at least in these first years.....) fairly oblivious to the artistic quality of what they were renting........

                It didn't matter.......as long as you came home with something to shove in the VCR that night.......

                 If the neighborhood Mom 'n Pop video store was all out the hot new Hollywood release ("The Natural", "16 Candles", etc)..........hey, how about 'Hardbodies'?  Or 'Revenge Of The Barbarian Queen'?  Or "Bronx Death Warriors From the 28th Century?"

                 You get the idea. This lack of discernment wouldn't last though........as the years went on, customers would start turning their noses up at movies with 5 or 6 Academy Awards, let alone Grade Z junk....

                But in 1984, Grade Z tripe like "Hardbodies" flourished, especially in the wake of the runaway success of Bob Clark's sleazy romp 'Porky's'........

                 Originally produced for the defunct Playboy Channel, 'Hardbodies' was nothing more than softcore porn masquerading as a sex comedy.  Movies like this became standard late night fodder for the emerging pay cable stations like HBO and Cinemax.........filled with copious simulated sex and nubile girls baring their breasts every 3 minutes.

                 This one had three middle aged guys renting a plush beach house but clueless about scoring a hook-up with any of the toned 'n tanned bikini babes on the beach. (Repulsed at the sight of one of them, a bikini girl hurls that hurtful insult we used for this post's subtitle....."I don't fuck fossils for free".

                  The mid-life crisis morons hire Scotty, the community's premier beach bum to teach them how to make themselves attractive enough to get into the babes' bikini bottoms.  Pseudo-hilarity, simulated orgasms and vast amounts of terrible soundtrack songs ensue.

                  The only thing we still remembered of this from our long gone video store days.......Scott's doofus sidekick Rag (Courtney Gains, whom we're mentioning cause he was the only thing we still remembered...).

                  Rag's great talent involved knowing an endless amount of international hand gestures for "Up Yours".......(which prompts Scotty to exclaim to Rag's targets, "He's flippin' you off in 48 languages!"

                   Honest.....we're not kidding........in those Jurassic-era, glory days of video stores, you could easily rent out "Hardbodies" if all the copies of 'Ghostbusters' were out.

                    For 85 brief minutes......a quick nostalgic trip through our younger days.......for our faithful visitors, we'd recommend viewing it only as a quaint museum piece......and only if you're in the mood for this kind of 1980's junky softcore memories....1 & 1/2 stars (* 1/2)  Everyone else attuned to today's culture may find it way too ghastly and incorrect to sit through.......

"TWO MINUTE WARNING".......CAUGHT IN THE CORPORATE CROSSHAIRS.........

Two Minute Warning (1976)   We'd forgotten all about this huge slice of Universal Studios' corporate sausage until we stumbled across it in our Little-Library-On-The-Prairie's DVD collection......

               Holy crap......what an icy, astoundingly cruel turd of a movie this is........

               It doesn't even look human beings made it........this is the kind of movie we'd imagine a 1970's computer would vomit out of those huge spinning disks and rectangular punch cards.........

                Technically, it strictly adheres to the 1970's disaster-movie playbook........the coming together of a disparate group of characters in a large public place......then either a man-made or natural threat is unleashed upon them.......

                As calamity strikes, some of them die, some survive......heroes and cowards get quickly sorted out before meeting their various fates.  Meanwhile, in the background, huge numbers of assorted innocents suffer horrible deaths to amp up the spectacle........

               Usually, these movies took some amount of pains to include compassion and humanity for their cardboard characters...........after all, the suspense has to flow from an audience worried about who's going to come out alive.....

                But not "Two Minute Warning"........it's as cold, unfeeling and utterly devoid of empathy and human emotion as Donald Trump at one of his rallies.......

                The threat here could not be more topical and bone-chilling for the 2000's........an anonymous sniper parks himself  behind the scoreboard of the Los Angeles Coliseum stadium during a championship NFL game.

                 The film, in its theatrical version, presents the sniper as a pure force of random evil.......it shows no interest in him as a character......you're only shown glimpses of him - arms, legs, shoes, his high-powered assault rifle.....who he is and what drives him to slaughter innocents is left unknown and unexplained.

                  Amid the stadium crowd of 100,000 people, the movie presents its disposable pop-up targets......a pair of obnoxious, squabbling middle-agers (David Jansen, Gena Rowlands), a hot-tempered dad barely tolerating his family (Beau Bridges), a sweaty, desperate gambler under a death threat from his bookie (Jack Klugman, giving it his all, as if he's in a real movie), and an awkward trio who've fallen into an romantic triangle (David Groh, Marilyn Hasset, Jon Korkes).

                 To the filmmakers, all these actors and amassed crowds are really nothing but part of a giant whack-a-mole arcade game. Unlike the "Airport" movies and Irwin Allen's cataclysms like "Poseidon Adventure" and "Towering Inferno", the total lack of anything resembling human feelings here is frightening to behold.

                  This movie plays out like it was made by those little kids you see at the start of Sam Peckinpah's "The Wild Bunch"......the ones gathered around to watch tortured scorpions devoured by ravenous ants......just before the indifferent kids set fire to the entire crawling bunch.......

                 Once the sniper's spotted by the TV crew covering the game, along comes law enforcement (Charlton Heston, John Cassavetes)  to....uh.....save the day. But don't feel comforted. They're as cold-hearted as the film itself, more interested in verbally sniping at each other than storming the sniper.

                   And everyone seems way more concerned about the safety of the dignitaries attending the game than the thousands of ordinary citizens in the sniper's crosshairs. In that regard, "Two Minute Warning has more in common with a creepy horror film than a genuine disaster movie......

                 In a weird sequence, Beau Bridges, having spotted the sniper in his binoculars, runs to the cops for help. The cops react by behaving and sounding like they've already been taken over by "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" seed pods......

                  When the mysterious sniper finally opens fire and generates mass terror, we at last see the movie's true purpose and reason for its miserable existence.........a spectacular display of all-out crowd panic, with human beings trampled, crushed, and dying as they tumble off of stairways, escalators and railings along the stadium's upper levels.  Random death as corporate entertainment........

                 When it came time to televise this film, NBC couldn't quite tolerate its empty-headed carnage......so an elaborate re-shoot was devised, adding 30 minutes of footage that explained the sniper's rampage as a diversion for an elaborate heist..... .(think of it as a cinematic attempt to spray air freshener over a pile of steaming manure......)

                  It's been a while since we handed out our very worst rating.......but we've never seen a movie that deserved it more.....we proudly present "Two Minute Warning" with the BQ's  AFH award.....a true ABOMINATION FROM HELL......consider yourself warned.

"CHILLING ADVENTURES OF SABRINA"..........HEART OF DARKNESS........LITERALLY.

Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina (2018)  We remember Beloved Daughter watching the first TV version of this comic book character, as played by the ever-bubbly Melissa Joan Hart.......a frothy series with dumb gags and a barely animatronic talking cat........

                As re-invented by producer-writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, it's a fantasy-supernatural carbon copy of "Riverdale", his reboot of the Archie comics........teen angst taken to epic, ultra dark extremes.

                  Essentially it's teens lives as they perceive it.......a living hell, a nightmarish struggle against malignant forces.......mostly parents and other adults who don't understand them.

                  Throw witches, warlocks,vengeful ghosts and Satan himself into this brew and you've got the all new, extra dark Sabrina the teenage witch, as played by Kiernan Shipka with a permanently pained expression through ten episodes.

                  Unfettered by the more grounded reality forced on him in "Riverdale", Aguirre-Sacasa and his writing team freely pile a parade of famtastical horrors on to poor little Sabrina......in plotlines that blend in undigested chunks of the Harry Potter films with whatever the last PG-13 horror film snuck into the multiplex.

                   Naturally the new Sabrina's fully empowered and wants it all.........the ability to function as some sort of independent freelance witch without having to pledge allegiance to the Dark Lord......which involves signing her name in blood in his unholiness's Big Book 'O Witches.......

                  This lofty goal of hers doesn't sit well with the wide variety of demons and fellow witches who populate the series.........kicking off all the gruesome story complications, none of which we'll belabor here, including an extended re-do of the classic 'The Monkey's Paw'......

                  .......except to leave this vital BQ memo to the people who concocted this show........TURN ON AT LEASE ONE GODDAMNED LIGHT SO WE CAN SEE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN YOUR GODDAMNED SHOW!!!

                    Given the dark nature of the material, the series' creators thought themselves clever by having the entire ten hours shot with as little light as possible.  So the entire series is filmed as if it's taking place in one of your clothes closets......with the door closed.  It's not so much a TV show.......it's more of a young adult audio book.

                    For the sake of Beloved Daughter, with whom we watched this (and who enjoyed it)......we'll afford "Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina " the benefit of the doubt with 2 stars (**)......meaning that we might have viewed some decent acting, writing and direction here.......but we can't be sure......we don't see well in the dark.

                    Lighten it up a little, folks......and we don't mean the story.....no one loves weird 'n creepy more than the BQ.......we're talkin' actual illumination here.

                 



                 

PRE-ELECTION WEEKEND MADNESS WRAPUP........SPECIAL 'PROTECT THE WOMEN!' EDITION....

Baby Orange's All New Pre-Midterms American Carnage Campaign..........Bigger and better than all previous MAGA-Licious campaigns.......more hate, more fear, more dread, more insults......and more violence than every before.......Bombs! Guns! Jewish people shot dead!  Misery and chaos as only Baby Orange can bring you!

Baby Orange whines about Trumpanzee Mad Bomber and synagogue shooter diverting people away from his Beware-The-Caravan message............hmm.......maybe someone should have kept their mouth shut and not jacked up  these bottom-feeders to begin with........

Baby Orange will protect United States women from the rampaging Caravan hordes......sleep safe, ladies, the Pussy Grabber In Chief will watch over you, as long as you don't mind a quick crotch-squeeze from time to time.......

Baby Orange thinks he can wipe out birthright citizenship with an Executive Order.....and why not.....the Electoral College declared him King, did they not?  What's the U.S. Constitution anyway, but an old yellow piece of paper........

Baby Orange masses military might to confront the 'Walking Dread' Caravan of Hondurans.....assembling more troops than we have stationed in Afghanistan.......we can only hope and pray he doesn't forget the Stealth Bombers and a few nukes too.......just in case........

Baby Orange hints that the border troops might shoot the Caravan if they throw rocks.......those Caravan invaders should count themselves lucky that B.O. doesn't use flamethrowers and Cruise Missiles........

Michael Cohen reveals what Baby Orange really thinks about black people.........in other breaking news, Lindbergh lands, Hindenburg explodes, Neil Armstrong walks on the moon, JFK assassinated, sun rises in the morning, then goes down at night........But thanks anyway, Mikey, for the hot scoop..........we had no idea......who knew?  Oh wait, that's right......everyone with at least 3 functioning brain cells.......

\

Kanye West decides to bow out of politics........following emergency surgery in which a 4th brain cell was inserted into his cranium.........

"NEVER GOIN' BACK".........GIRLS GONE WILDLY STUPID.........

Never Goin' Back (2018)   The accumulated I.Q. of all the characters in this film combined would still come out less than that of one single Trumpanzee rally attendee........

               Oh, God help us for enjoying this tiny little nothing of a movie........

               But compared to the usual navel-gazing, self-obsessed, Millennial-Angst indie films we've suffered through, this one's a goddamned dope-filled breath of fresh air.......

                 (You can take that both ways, in that it's filled with dopes.....smoking dope. .....)

                 Our heroines, so to speak.......two 16 year old girls,( Maia Mitchell, Camilla Morrone) well on their way to useless, wasted lives. BFFs forever, high school dropouts and pancake house waitresses, their primary goals in life, are getting high and going to the beach.......where they dream of eating donuts and getting high.

                  If you suspect it's impossible to build an entire movie around two such idiots, you haven't been watching enough independent films......

                  There's more than enough going on here.......with the girls' limited goals constantly thwarted by the equally brain-dead boys who hang around with them.......a jaw dropping collection of dim bulbs.

                   And that's about all that needs explanation here, as we watch the two girls and their imbecilic coterie make an ever escalating series of bad choices.  For the most part, the film's content to extract its comedy by simply observing the natural behavior of these dolts........until it takes an active part in the proceedings, throwing in epic bowel movements and projectile vomiting to move the story along......

                   Normally, we'd weep for the future of the world at the sight of these characters........but writer-director Augustine Frizzell says she based it on her own chaotic adolescence.  So who knows........if we're optimistic enough, we can imagine the aimless, worthless teen years of Mitchell and Morrone's characters lead them, like Frizzell, to better things.......

                   And as we mentioned, we did get a kick out of watching it. Frizzell's a genunine talent in her handling of the actors........Mitchell and Morrone tear through the movie with chemistry and energy to spare.......they're simultaneously a millennial-moron version of Thelma and Louise and Laverne and Shirley.......and never anything less than real and hilarious.

                  The fact that the movie has no real insights or interests in the monumentally stupid behavior on display annoyed a fair amount of critics.  But that's the very reason we couldn't take our eyes off it........it's happy to just serve as some fast, funny time spent with some people you'd just as soon avoid in real life.

                   Call it the new, updated guilty pleasure version of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".......We'll call out 3 stars (***) for a movie we'd take anytime over those 1000 crappy indies about wandering millennials who re-visit their hometowns........
                 

"EVERY BREATH".......AMERICAN'S CRY-MASTER STRIKES TRUE.........

Every Breath by Nicholas Sparks (2018)    Makce fun of him all you like, but no author so brazenly hits the weepy-doomed-romance target with such unerring accuracy......

                Sparks, with his plain'n simple, meat 'n potatoes prose, is the Cry-Master General of best-sellerdom..........with his heartfelt tales of romance gone awry, he knows what moves his faithful readers........and plays them like a symphony conductor.........sometimes gifting them with happy endings, sometimes leaving them blubbering in hopeless sorrow.......

                  He may not possess any stylistic writing talent, but when he hits on all cylinders in his storytelling, the man could coax tears from a stone........(and contrary to what his detractors may say, that takes considerable skill.)

                   The good news here for Sparks-O-Philes.......there's no uncomfortable dabbling in other genres that Sparks has previously tried to wrestle with (the supernatural, suspense thrills, etc, etc)

                    "Every Breath", from first to last page, remains, pure, undiluted 100% Sparks, with all the expected tropes, including a wrap-up guaranteed to leave readers diving for their tissue boxes. (His finish here staggered us in its deft ability to combine the varied emotions and climaxes of all his previous books....)

                    Plot details?  Do you really need any.......other than it's about two wayward souls, at personal crossroads in their lives, who fall deeply in love......and whom fate and cruel circumstance conspire against. (That's all you'll get from us.....)

                    Are these characters and their romance so picture perfect as to defy reality? Of course they are........who do you think wrote this?

                      Despite the rivers of shmaltz, do you find yourself completely sucked in anyway?  Of course you do.......who do you think wrote this?

                      We have no defense against those who would mock Sparks as a purveyor of manipulative pablum for a mass readership.  He is what he is......... but unlike his many imitators, we've never detected any insincerity or blatant pandering in his writing. To borrow the title of one of his books, the man's a True Believer in what he writes.  And that's what sets him apart and keeps him pumping out the Weepies every two years or so.......

                     As BQ readers may have already guessed, we inherited this book from our favorite, most adored Sparks fan, Beloved Daughter.........and we have to admit, for loyal Sparkians, the author has presented you with one of his best......on that basis, we'll give 4 tissue boxes (****)