Danger!! Death Ray (1967) Sorry. Can't help ourselves. We start convulsing from withdrawal pains unless we take in another rock-bottom international Euro-Spy, imitation Bond movie.
We became hopelessly addicted these junky mock-Bonds when they began to flood American TV stations......believe it or not, a few of them are really good, but the bulk of the 'Euro-Spy' onslaught was mostly cheap, silly and ridiculous.
(Not that we didn't love 'em anyway......bless their idiotic little hearts)
To start, this one's title killed us. Double exclamation points??? Oh my, you had us at hello. A death ray too? Pardon our salivating in pure ecstasy.
And our secret agent's name? Bart Fargo! (We didn't make that up)......another ladies man who bemoans his task of saving the world cause it cuts into his vacation time.
Speaking of Fart Bargo, here's what sets this Euro-Spy apart from the other cookie-cutter entries. Usually the lead spy was played by a fit 'n slim debonair type in the Connery tradition.
Too wimpy for this movie..... our hero is no less than heavily muscled Gordon Scott, ex movie Tarzan and sword 'n sandal Hunka Hunka. He sports a Cinemascope chest, barbell fists and a lazy preference for vacationing instead of getting out there to Gordon-ize the villain and his many goons.
Trading in his jungle loin cloth for suits and evening black tie outfits, Scott looks like his massive frame will, at any moment, rip to shreds, Hulk-style. To try to offer an even match, any number of the villain's henchman also seem recruited from body-building gyms.
(So imagine a cheapo Bond knockoff populated with refugees from 'Pumping Iron')
Fart Bargo's mission - thwart the Mastermind who kidnapped an atomic scientist and his sooper-dooper 'death ray'. (a big ass frickin' laser cannon colorfully decorated in red and blue. )
This villain's not kidding around, either. After his minions slaughter half the local police force, they make off with the scientist via toy store models of a helicopter and submarine.....befitting the movie's budget of somewhere in the vicinity of $48.95.
Along the way, Fart engages in countless gunfights and karate brawls with a non-stop array of minions who keep on comin' at him. The fools......our tuxedo'd Tarzan mops the floor with them, at times just pounding two at a time on the head with his pile driver mitts.
By the time our guy finally puts things right, (and saves his smokin' hot girlfriend du jour) we'd lost count of how many dozens upon dozens of people fall to machine gun fire.....with the exception of one dopey character who takes a flying leap at Fart while he stood near an open 25th floor window....heh, heh, heh....
And don't get too excited about the death ray......the photogenic laser blaster only spits out a beam a few times and doesn't melt a single person.....sigh.....
For fans of this very weird Euro-Spy genre (like us) it's 90 minutes of good cheesy fun. Everyone else would probably consider it a waste of time, but for we connoisseurs of cinematic oddities, it's at least a 2 &1/2 star discovery. (**1/2).
(As you may have already surmised, this was Agent....(okay, we'll say it right) Bart Fargo's one and only mission. We can only hope he's happily vacationing with many of his beautiful gal pals....)
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