Gladiator II (2024) No, we come not to put the sword to Ridley Scott's mega-budgeted sequel to his 2000 epic with Russel Crowe and Joaquin Phoenix.......
Were we not entertained? Yes.
But was this not another thrilling, heartrending epic like the first film? Uh....nope. Not even close.
Director Scott threw hundreds of millions at this film, stuffing it with state-of-the-art CGI that wasn't available to him 24 years ago.
Final result? A pale imitation of the first one, like a re-heated leftover meal.....yet another enslaved gladiator rising up against the Roman Empire.
We did have ourselves a fine old time watching it, but part of that's because large chunks of the film are unintentionally ridiculous and funny.
(This time around, the Empire's ruled by a set of psycho Bevis 'n Butthead teenage twins, one of them with mind of an 8 year old. You pray for their deaths as soon as you lay eyes on them......)
For all of its sound, fury and heft, the film's lead player is an empty vessel, a charisma-free non-entity......tough to root for and that's a knife in this movie's gut. Most of Paul Mescal's energy must have drained out during his gym sessions to give himself that formidable Barrel chest.
But speaking of charisma, Mescal's blah warrior-hero is easily outshined by the film's MVP, Denzel Washington. Playing a smiling, chatty, Machiavellian schemer, he's having the best evil time ever and we loved every minute of him.
The only thing upstaging Denzel is the vast amount of CGI effects thrown at the film like one big Hail Mary pass.....
Gladiator events reach delirious heights of hilarity. One of the Glads rides in on a CGI Rhino, putting more than one opponent on the horn of a dilemma....
The second big event involves a horde of spindly CGI baboons, showing off their prodigious teeth at every opportunity. So we're not sure whether they're asking for dental work or somebody to end up as lunch for them. Whatever they're after, they look like the film retrieved them from the 'Delete' files of the 'Planet Of The Apes' CGI animators......
But the wham-bammer's saved for the third event......in a flooded Colosseum, arena, the Glads stage a full naval battle, complete with flaming arrows and live sharks in the water. Yikes.
What a venue, this Colosseum. We can't even imagine the next event they'd book......Disney On Ice? The Taylor Swift Eras tour? A Chariot Demolition Derby? (Oh, wait a sec, they did that one in "Ben Hur"....)
Okay, we'll give 'Gladiator II' this much.....it didn't bore us. It may harbor delusions that it's improving and deepening the original, but c'mon, give us a friggin' break. This is nothing but shameless corporate product designed to squeeze some ticket money out of anyone with fond memories of the first film.
If you're going, sit back, calm down and enjoy it for what it is, a CGI circus for some mild amusement.
Just don't show up expecting some kind of great movie.
2 stars (**).
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