'THE MAKING OF ANOTHER MOTION PICTURE MASTERPIECE'.....HANKS FOR THE MEMORIES....

  The Making Of Another Motion Picture Masterpiece by Tom Hanks (2023)

             I admit I never got around to reading actor Tom Hanks's first book "Uncommon Type", a collection of short stories....

             Therefore, the discovery that Hanks is as talented and creatively ambitious a novelist as he is an actor.....what can I say....breaking news. 

              He's poured a lifetime of his movie-making experiences into this book - film students can practically read it as a fresh-from-the trenches tutorial on the nuts and bolts as well as blood, sweat, tears, misery and joy that go into the making of a movie.  I seriously doubt if there's even a single solitary detail of the process (both artistic and technical) that he left out. 

               And also on view is the Hanks public persona as well.......Our Most Beloved Movie Star and  America's Everyguy, He gazes upon the miracles and madness of Hollywood with a sense of awe for the art that comes out of such chaos......but he possesses the smarts of a wise, witty satirist casting  a deadpan eye on the filmmaking community, once aptly described long ago as "the inmates running the asylum"......

               And talk about world-building.......Hanks creates, from the ground up, a deeply rendered array of movie stars, studios, streaming giants, agents, managers, bodyguards, and every major and minor cast member and crew member you can imagine.  For many of these characters, Hanks takes the time to go into detailed background histories.  (More on that later.)

             Even more boldly, the author daringly creates his very own block-busting comic book movie franchise "Agents Of Change".....which allows him to launch his epic account of the the production of the lastest in the series. "Knightshade: The Lathe Of Firefall"  (A tormented super woman who can never sleep meets and battles a legendary supernatural World War 2 Marine who wields a flamethrower.) 

               I'll chalk it up to Tom Hanks enduring optimism and sunny disposition that Bill Johnson, his book's A-List, award winning movie director, takes on the most daunting challenge any filmmaker could attempt.....turning a CGI heavy superhero bash 'em up into a genuine, emotional, audience-grabbing journey.  In short, transforming a comic book silliness into a piercing, penetrating look at the human condition, and thereby making it an artistic achievement 

               Now here comes the bad news......

               Just like the messy, up-and-down production of 'Knightshade' that Hanks brings to life with such laborious detail, the book itself suffers from a host of flaws.   Primarily, from those previously mentioned,  meticulous accounts of every minor characters' backstories. While I appreciate Hanks' dedication to bringing these people fully to life, these overwritten, often unnecessary  passages bring the forward momentum of the the story grinding to a dead halt.

                 By far the most satisfying and brutally humorous chapters involve the actual day-to-day melodrama of the film's production. Bill Johnson must try to realize his vision of these conflicted tortured superhero souls colliding with each other. But his superstar lead actor, a temperamental dope with a bloated ego confounds and aggravates the director at every turn, throwing the entire production into peril. Readers can only imagine which real life actor (or actors) furnished the inspiration for this bloviating douchebag.......

                 And here's something Hanks may not have imagined while writing this novel...... that the perpetual onslaught of Marvel and DC superhero franchises would start to turn sour...... that some, boring, confusing entries in the genre, top heavy with CGI but little else, would leave audiences  yawning, jaded, and just a little tired of watching the spandex crowd hurl each other around like basketballs. 

               "The Making Of Another Motion Picture Masterpiece" serves up unique guided tour through the 'business of show', with a tour guide whose inside information is virtually encyclopedic. Not quite a masterpiece but filled to the brim with the humor and drama that could only come from a born entertainer and a seasoned movie star who's sure as hell been here, done that. 4 stars (****) 

                 

                 

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.....SPECIAL "FROM MUSK TIL DAWN" EDITION.....

Ron DeSantis's war with Disney results in Disney's cancelling its planned new Florida enterprise, with a loss of 1000's of potential new jobs......DeSantis strikes back by banning the new "Little Mermaid" movie from Florida theaters, claiming it promotes unnatural "Bi-Species" interactions between fish and humans......

Ron DeSantis's Presidential campaign launch with Elon Musk on Twitter goes badly awry due to technical glitches...... DeSantis orders  National Guard to confiscate and burn all copies of "Twitter For Dummies" ("That's why I get for opening a book and reading it,"  complained the Governor.) Elon Musk vows to re-try the campaign launch.....only this time literally....sending both himself andDeSantis into orbit in a Space X rocket, the tripped dubbed "Star Bores" or, "Shit Came From Outer Space" 

Special Counsel Jack Smith and Georgia prosecutor closing in on Trump with possible indictments for his theft of classified documents and tampering with the 2020 election......Fashion editors at multiple magazines declare they'll finally see Trump's wardrobe color coordinated.....with his orange jumpsuit at long last matching the caked-on orange makeup he smears on his face.....

Oath Keeper sentenced to 18 years in jail for Seditious conspiracy.....stating he's a political prisoner like Nelson Mandela.....also muttering under his breath...."and I'm way more persecuted than Mandela ever was....after all, he's just a darkie, while I'm a white guy!"

'PETER PAN & WENDY'....THE DISNEY GREED-IACS CRANK OUT ANOTHER ONE......

 Peter Pan & Wendy (2023).......belongs to the peculiar genre that the Disney corporate overloards won't let go.....the WASTE OF EVERYONE'S TIME LIVE ACTION REMAKE THAT NOBODY WANTED OR ASKED FOR......

                The Mouse House greed-mongers continue to squander who knows how many millions grinding out these clunky, unworthy, pale imitations of their classic animated films....

                  It's possible that Disney came to realize that this latest remake atrocity turned out so dead-on-arrival, so abysmally rotten,  they gave it a quick burial on Disney Plus. 

                 Before anyone starts to think otherwise, I do not have any beef with the film's inclusive, multi-cultural casting and its expected elimination of the toxic 'red indian' stereotyping of Native Americans. Yes, it's exciting and overdue to see a Cree Nation actress, Alyssa Wapanatank, playing Tiger Lily, but all the cultural corrections on display don't make up for the  weak storytelling and second rate filmmaking. 

                Visually dark, humorless and overly steeped in grim backstory, the film grinds on at an indifferent pace for a very slow 106 minutes. It's anybody's guess as to what audience this was designed for.....older kids will want to check Tik-Tok videos while watching it, while the younger ones will most likely fall fast asleep. 

              Jude Law makes a snarling go of it as Captain Hook and Alexander Molony is a plucky enough Pan, but there's hardly any real movie surrounding them. Only Hook's ticking nemesis crocodile makes any impression, since it looks edited in from 'Jurassic World' outtakes. 

               Just about any other 'Peter Pan' adaptation would serve as a better choice than this one, including  Steven Spielberg's misguided, maligned "Hook" or even a DVD of that woeful live TV musical version with an aging Christopher Walken as Hook and Allison Williams as Peter Pan. 

              As for "Peter Pan & Wendy".....it belongs in the landfill pile alongside "Cruella", the CGI "The Lion King", and the already obscure, forgotten and terrible live action slogs "Beauty And Beast", "Cinderella", "Dumbo" and "Aladdin".....all AFHs....ABOMINATIONS FROM HELL.....for Neverland....send this one Never Ever Again-Land.....

'FAST X'.....VIN THERE, DONE THAT.....

Fast X (2023)    How is anyone supposed to write a thoughtful, rational review of this movie?

                     It's impossible to sneer at it, make fun of it, hurl insults at it. A waste of time.

                     Because the movie's already doing that for you.....to itself.  How can one deride a film that revels in its own idiocy, celebrates its own bottom-of-the-barrel junkiness? 

                     Trying to analyze or intelligently view this film is akin to reviewing a Road Runner Vs. Wile E .Coyote cartoon that runs 140 minutes. 

                     By now, it's an accepted given that before you sit down to watch an ''Fast & Furious" entry, you either park your brain in a safe storage area or give yourself a pre-frontal lobotomy. 

                      As the saying goes.....it is what it is.......

                     Once again, gravity, physics, mortality and geography have no place in the 'F & F' loony-verse.  Viewers know not to expect that any of those simple, real, scientific laws and principles will exist here. 

                     What you can expect, of course:  mass destruction of cities all over the world, on a apocalyptic scale that only thousands of CGI animators from countless Special Effects companies can accomplish.

                     And the cast?  The gang's all there, all of them appearing lethargic, bored and maybe just severely hung over. 

                    Lording over the proceedings - the rumble-mumble mouthed King of Lethargy himself, Vin Diesel, picking up his millions for disgorging nuggets of dialogue as if any sentence that ten words or more will tire him out. 

                     With the rest of actors barely phoning it in, Jason Mamoa, playing the film's new big badass villain, seized the day, going  full Ringling Brothers/Barnum and Bailey circus clown on them. 

                    I can only assume Mamoa felt envious and energized by the unforgettable 'Joker' performances of Heath Ledger and Joaquin Phoenix. (Or possibly even Margot Robbie's Harley Quinn) So he slaps together a mish-mash of  over-the-top shtick, some of it played as if he's a former drag queen.  Any 15 seconds of it is annoying, and you can almost envision of Mamoa's demented dream of a Best Suipporting Actor nomination pop up in a thought-balloon over his head.  Trust me, never gonna  happen. 

                  Lots of international cities laid to waste, lots of massive explosions (including a Neutron bomb), lots of vehicles and humans hurled around in all directions......yada, yada, yada....

                What else can I say......to be fair and balanced (heh, heh, heh) to one and all, I'll apply two separate ratings......If you enjoy this sort of bloated, lunatic, studio greed-driven sludge, if you love to sit back and totally surrender yourself to it as your brain cells dribble out of your ears,  than "Fast X" is your 5 star (*****) dream come true. 

                   Don't expect anything even close to closure.....this one only exists as a 140 minute trailer for the next two entries. 

                  Do stay for the teaser amid the final credits.....guaranteed to make hardcore "F & F"ers orgasm in dreamy anticipation. Enough said. 

                  For anyone who doesn't fall into that category....1 star (*).  A vroom with a view you don't want to stay in.......

                      

'ONE WITH THE WAVES'....SURF'S UP FOR THE NEW YORK GIRL ON THE BEACH....

One With The Waves by Vezna Andrews (2023)

            Talk about a beach read.....

            If this book were any beach-ier, there'd be salt spray in your face and piles of sand pouring into your lap every time you opened it.

            Overall, the stuff I loved about "One With The Waves"  while diving into it (literally) outnumbered some few intrusive, annoying aspects of it. 

            Best of all.....its near rapturous evocation of the lore and romance you ever imagined about surfers and surfing.  Everything  you'd expect is all included here. The excitement, the natural beauty, the sheer exhilaration, hair-raising risks and danger of the sport.  And most especially, the daredevil courage, athletic skill and physical stamina demanded of those brave hardy souls who dare the Pacific ocean's turbulent surf and towering waves.

             The storyline, however, combining a teen girl's rocky coming-of-age with the adventurous challenges of surfing, suffers a couple of problematic bumps along the way. 

              Following her father's tragic illness and death, Ellie and her mom transplant themselves from New York to the Pacific coast home of her Uncle Charlie and Aunt Jen, both dedicated surfers.

             Both grieving and suffering from their loss, Ellie and her mother seek solace in different directions.....Ellie escapes into the whole world of surfing, while her mother's rapidly succumbing to drugs and alcohol.   As Ellie finds strength, comfort and confidence in honing her surfing skills she begins to acquire new friends and a first love. But on the down side, she's relentlessly bullied by a pack of high school mean girls straight up from the depths of hell.  

             Couldn't help but thrill to the many surfing sequences, most of which include Ellie's spectacular, endearing encounters with dolphins and seals. And surfing enthusiast Vezna Andrews takes readers on a deep, deep dive through just about everything in surfing culture, making the descriptions both fascinating and instructive.

             Oh and the problematic moments? Well there's a little too much over-exaggerating in some of the characterizations. Uncle Charlie most of all, whose constant, overbearing goofball behavior would send any teen girl fleeing in embarrassment.  And  the villainous mean girls carry on like cardboard Cinderella step-sisters via the Brothers Grimm. 

              But fortunately, none of that will stop you from rooting for Ellie to overcome every obstacle in her path, sigh with her first kisses and dream of paddling out your surfboard right along side her to say "hi" to the dolphins....and become......ah, no wonder the book has a perfect title. 4 stars (****)

'SING HER DOWN'....3 WOMEN HEADED FOR AN EPIC SHOWDOWN......

 Sing Her Down by Ivy Pochada (2023)

This book gripped and haunted me from beginning to end.

            And I think it's doing it a disservice to conveniently categorize it as some kind of thriller, crime story or even, in a real stretch, a "western".  

            "Sing Her Down" is most assuredly literary fiction, but written in the immediate, propulsive prose you'd expect in such an action-packed, violent story.......told with brilliant, incisive writing and imaginative, unforgettable imagery.

            Yes, in way, it resembles and duplicates the epic, larger-than-life mythic-figure showdowns of Sergio Leone's Italian westerns like "The Good, The Bad And The Ugly" and "Once Upon A Time In The West".

              The book forces a monumental life evaluation on its three main characters, two women convicts who've violated their parole and the policewoman hunting them -  do their darkest impulses come from some pivotal moment in their lives or was the darkness deep within them ingrained, always inside them from birth?  

              At the height of the 2020 Covid pandemic, Arizona prison cellmates 'Florida' Baum and 'Dios' Sandoval enjoy an early parole, due to the prison's overcrowding.  Florida, daughter of a wealthy L.A. family, accumulated a criminal record as a somehow peripheral  figure in the crimes she fell into. So Florida's come to think she can find some light at the end of the tunnel, a path to redemption.

              But Dios, a hardcore, murderous, unredeemable  sociopath, views Florida as a kindred spirit, a sister in darkness who's yet to recognize and embrace the truth of herself.  When Florida, hoping to establish a sense of normality, breaks parole and hops a bus back home to L.A.,  the obsessed, lethal Dios follows her every step of the way.  An ultimate showdown between these women becomes inevitable.

               And what a perfectly surreal, dystopian backdrop author Ivy Pochada imagines for these women and their final encounter......a mostly abandoned, Pandemic-ridden city whose populace remains fearfully self-quarantined in their homes and whose streets now belong almost exclusively to the homeless. 

                With murder victims left in their wake, Florida and Dios are being tracked down by  Detective Lobos, while she herself must deal with the stalking of her abusive ex-husband. When the paths of these three women finally intersect, it's a climactic confrontation worthy of an Ennio Morricone " Western showdown" symphony.....a hellish dreamscape committed to a wall mural that seems to come alive if given a sideways glance. 

              "Sing Her Down" struck me as the kind of darkly dreamt  book to fully surrender yourself to and lose yourself in........ and even if we're not quite at halfway through 2023, I'd already rate this as one of the best 5 star (*****) books I've come across of this year....a must have addition to your TBR list.

'ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA' & 'BLACK ADAM'.....MARVEL & DC SCRAPING BOTTOM....

            

 After suffering through the 4 hours it took to endure these two spandex atrocities, I can report at least two glimmer of optimism......

              Glimmer #1:  They bombed at the multi-plexes......sending out a message to Disney and Warners that the era of audiences panting like puppies over every new bloated superhero movie is over and done with......

               Glimmer #2:  The very reasons they bombed......that the superhero comic book universes of Marvel and DC are so generic, so repetitive, so connect-the-dots, so blatantly corporate greed-driven, that they've now left their audiences bored and disinterested.......with their CGI effects rendered by hundreds of animators from dozens of effects companies eliciting nothing......but yawns.   

               Therefore, much BQ kudos to this pair of misbegotten, megaton detonations for possibly hastening the merciful end of the superhero plague. 

                And now, briefly, the autopsies........

Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania (2023)......at least spares us from imaging the 1000's of innocent civilians massacred by the usual city-demolishing superhero battles held in the middle of big American cities.....

                 All the CGI carnage here is restricted to the ultra-miniature Quantum realm....or Quantumville or QuantumLand or whatever the hell they call it. It's a completely cartoonish never-neverworld that looks like something Dr. Seuss might have designed while trippin' on hallucinogenic drugs. 

                 The place is populated by every variety of daffy creature that George Lucas could only dream about putting into his original Star Wars Cantina scene. (This menagerie even throws in some poor shlub left over from the last ant-movie, now transformed into a metallic, weaponized Humpty Dumpty...) But they're oppressed by evil warlord Kang The Conqueror (Jonathon Majors) and his army of minions who have lightbulbs for heads. 

                 Lucky for the Quantum-ites, the entire Ant-Gang crashed into their Seuss-ian neighborhood, including Paul Rudd, Evangeline Lilly, Michael Douglas, Michelle Pfeiffer, and the family's Ant-Teen Kathryn Newton. 

                  As you could already guess without ever laying eyes on a single frame of this film, endless CGI battles ensue, followed by the traditional mind numbing scene where Ant-Man Rudd and Kang Majors pound on each other for an eternity, with not even a single boo-boo to show for it. 

                 The expected end credits teaser promises literally more and more of Kang..... but nobody should hold their breath, with Johnathon Majors fell into severe cancellation hell from his multiple sex abuse allegations and court cases.....in other words, don't wait for Kang to rejoin the gang. 

                 The very epitome of superhero sludge, so there's only one rating BQ could ever bestow....the AFH....an ABOMINATION FROM HELL......and speaking of AFH's .....

Black Adam (2022).......arrived as a personal project of the movies' resident man-mountain Dwayne Johnson. His DC Universe hero of choice is a pissed-off, God-like ancient Middle Eastern entity named Teth-Adam, still seething from his family's slaughter at the hands of the neighborhood tyrant. 

                Johnson glowers a lot and with superhuman effort, sometimes affects a slight muscle twitch meant to resemble human emotion....or something close to it. With his massive sculpted bod packed into a rubberized T-shirt, he'll no doubt look great wearing that outfit to next year's Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. Oh, did I mention he's from the Shazam-iverse?  That everyone can at least get an unintentional giggle hearing someone yell "Shazam!" every so often.......

                  Teth-Adam, being such a cranky-puss with no scruples or moral compass, runs afoul of the Justice League.......you'll remember, that's the outfit run with an iron hand and hot temper by Viola Davis, who dispatches the League crowd to go scoop 'im up before he breaks something. 

                  Right on schedule, come the soul-sucking, slo-mo, CGI battles between Adam and the League-ers.....Hawkman, equally pissed-off, but with wings, Dr. Fate, suave old soothsaying magician (well played, at least, by suave old Pierce Brosnan), Cyclone, tornado-turning teen girl and a boy-toy for her, Atom-Smasher, a young hunk who can turn himself the size of a Macy's Parade balloon. 

                 Eventually, they have to knock off hammering away at Johnson (a waste of everybody's time, especially ours) and unite to face off against  newly reconstituted demon Sabbac (easy to spot, the one with the horns)......but nobody can truly kick this guy's ass like the Adam-ator......and so it goes.....

                 And once again, all of this chaos and mass destruction reduces the fictitious, vaguely Middle East city of  Looney-Toon-astan (or whatever the hell it's called) to rubble. And once again, the movie expects us to keep munchin' the popcorn and not wonder about the thousands of people killed as collateral damage.  Just another 9 to 5 day for the superheroes.......

                 The misery finally ends with the end credits teaser, in which Viola Davis promises Johnson a spanking if he sets foot outside of Looney-Toon-astan, and threatens him with a cameo from  Henry Cavill's Soopy-Doop-Man.  If this ever really happens, can't wait to miss it........

                 Okay, that's enough of my blathering about this wretched movie, which more than earns its ABOMINATION FROM HELL rating.......time to move on to far more important things to do.....like wipe the dust off this laptop screen, re-arrange my bookmarks, and watch two cats try to murder each other over a squeaky toy.....(a far, far more entertaining sight than either of these films...)

              

'VIVIANA VALENTINE GETS HER MAN'.....A SAVVY GAL FRIDAY SUBS FOR HER PRIVATE EYE BOSS....

  Viviana Valentine Gets Her Man by Emily J. Edwards (2022)  

                Anyone who loves those 1940's-1950's tough-as-nails big city Private Eye noir films needs to snap this one up right away. 

                 Welcome back to early 50's NYC, where Private Investigator Tommy Fortuna solves cases that involve the wealthiest of 'swells' and the seediest of lowlifes. And he depends on the eye catching help of  indispensable Gal Friday Viviana Valentine.....a crackerjack secretary, receptionist and when called upon, as savvy and relentless a P.I. as Tommy. 

                  Their latest client, no less than filthy rich Captain of Industry Talmadge Blackstone, wants a close eye kept on his beautiful daughter Tallulah, a freewheeling debutante always in the public eye. But then Tommy mysteriously goes missing and back at the office, Viviana stumbles upon a comatose victim of a severe beating.......and the poor guy was already facially disfigured even before left at death's door. 

                 So that gives?  Any of these strange events related? It's up to the plucky, suffer-no-fools Viviana to crack the case without her disappeared boss, but with the unlikely help of her boarding house gal pals.  For sure, she's got her hands full, fending off the increasingly suspicious police detective Lawson as well as an abusive ex-boyfriend who's taken to stalking and threatening her.   Viviana, however, takes no guff from anyone, even managing to befriend the world famous, but sweet and lonely Tallulah Talmadge. 

                    Plenty of private eye mystery fun unfolds, along with a flavorful evocation of hot summer nights in the Big Apple.  The plot thickens nicely, but not worry -  Viviana, with streetwise smarts and never far from a smart remark, will get to the bottom of things  and lay it all out for you. 

                   You'll guaranteed a breezy good time with this one and might end up counting the days until the next book in the series comes out. 4 stars (****)

'FOR YOU AND YOU ONLY'...JOE GOLDBERG JOINS THE LITERATI - BUT IT'S WE READERS WHO BARELY SURVIVE.....

 

 For You And Only You by Caroline Kepnes (2023)

           I never imagined I'd end up writing a review like this about this author's 4rth novel featuring her sociopathic psycho stalker Joe Goldberg. 

           A one star review.

           By now everyone's realized that Joe's murderous misadventures in Caroline Kepnes's books bear little or no resemblance to the ongoing Netflix series starring Penn Badgley.....the books and the series have parted company, going their own separate ways......

           While I haven't yet caught up with the new season of "You", I eagerly dived into what I suppose you'd call the Literary Joe.....,and holy homicide,  what a severe, crushing disappointment. 

           So sorry to report, "For You And Only You", was a mind-numbingly boring, tedious slog to get through.  As I rolled my eyes trying to plow through hundreds upon hundreds of pages of Joe's endless, repetitive narration, I couldn't recall the previous three books ever coming across as so dull.  

           As usual Joe's trajectory follows the same path......a new girl becomes his designated Object Of Obsession and and woe to any individuals unlucky enough to stand as roadblocks to his wooing of her for his very own.   And also as usual, you can safely bet Joe's pursuit of his new designated dreamgirl will go awry for him in multiple ways, forcing him to dig his way out of pitfalls that could finally render him jailed for life.

           Somehow, Joe's invited into a Harvard Fellowship group comprised of of both aspiring and established writers. In weekly sessions, they present samples of their novels-in-progress for critical analysis..... with pages they sweat blood over critiqued by their fellow Fellows and most importantly, by their group leader Glenn Shoddy, a best selling literary lion. 

           And Joe finds himself now pursuing not one but two burning ambitions....publishing his novel, a fictionalized (of course) account of his previous lethal exploits ,and winning the heart and mind of Wonder, a Fellow-mate and Dunkin Donuts manager with her own novel-in-progress. 

            Caroline Kepnes takes some sharp witty fun in steeping the book deeply into the world of writers, struggling would-be writers, and avid readers.  Witty asides referring to books and authors abound and even the Goodreads universe takes more than a few satirical hits. 

            But sadly, those humorous, knowing nuggets are stuck in the swampy quicksand of Joe Goldberg's interminable, pace-deadening internal monologues.  And if you've read all his blathering in the three previous books, there's nothing new to read or learn here.....just more and more and more of it. To the point where you'd be tempted to skim through Joe's perpetual blah-blah-blah in the hopes of eventually reaching a plot development.

              Along with Joe's expected reversals-of-fortune, Kepnes does throw in a few twists new to the series, but nothing that frees up the glacial movement the book maintains from start to finish.  And what's also grown beyond tiresome......Kepnes over and over repeating her favorite jokey trope......the instant contrast between Joe's real thoughts and the exact opposite lies he speaks out loud to everyone he encounters 

              Bluntly, I couldn't help breathing a sigh of relief upon reaching the last paragraph. To borrow that popular phrase used so often by creative writing instructors.....maybe it's time for Caroline Kepnes to 'kill her darling'.........1 star (*).

           

'VIOLENT NIGHT'....MAYBE IT'S THE CHRISTMAS MOVIE WE DESERVE.....

 Violent Night (2022)   I'm not sure about praising these filmmakers for their originality in coming up with something we'd never seen so far.......

               Cause the more I think about it......given the state of our society, pop culture, and the crumbling of civilized norms, a movie like this was......inevitable. 

                And so it arrived in time for last year's holiday season......at long last, a Christmas movie including all the sentiment and heartwarming tropes we'd expect from a Santa Clause story.......along with spectacularly staged "Die Hard" worthy villain deaths drenched in gallons of gore. 

                 Yes, it's none other than the real not-so-jolly St Nick re-invented as a burned out, drunken cynic, disgusted with Christmas commercialization and alienated from Mrs. Claus. In an alcoholic stupor as he and his reindeer hit the sky, he absently pukes and pees on any unsuspecting mortals who make the mistake of looking up.......

                 The concept could easily have crashed and burned with an actor not up to the script's perverse lunacy, but thankfully the movie has its MVP in burly everyguy David Harbour ("Stranger Things")  His Santa is every family's drunk, pissed-off, tough but tender black sheep......and Harbour's not only hilarious, but all too humanly vulnerable. 

                   Santa's mettle and belief in his own magic gets put to the test when he drops in on the sprawling compound of the ultra wealthy Lightstone family, an obnoxious clan who carry on like leftovers from a warmed over "Knives Out" ripoff.....(with the exception of youngest family member Trudy (Leah Brady) more than fulfilling her storyline task of being the one adorable Santa/Christmas believer).

                   Harbour's chimney drop-in to the Lightstones goes awry as the family's Christmas Eve turns murderous - despite their heavy security the compound's brutally home-invaded by a gang of repulsive thugs left over from every "Die Hard" and 'Die Hard' clone you've ever sat through.  

                    Led with engaging, vicious enthusiasm by 'Mr. Scrooge' (John Leguizamo). the gang's after 300 million secretly squirreled away by ruthless Lightstone grand-matriarch Gertrude (Beverly D'Angelo, also thoroughly enjoying herself).  Torture and death at the hands of these creeps seems. imminent......until a desperate Trudy begs Santa to take a hand.....

                    Santa, as it turns out, has a centuries old backstory, where he began mortal life as a bloodthirsty Viking warrior, complete with his own trusty Thor-like hammer, the 'skullcrusher'.  And as promised in the film's title, the rest of evening becomes an endlessly inventive spectacle of grindhouse  gore.......with Santa decimating, eviscerating, castrating, slicing, dicing and shredding the entire good squad.  The snowy grounds surrounding the house quickly turn deep crimson. 

                    Director Tommy Wirkola and writers Pat Casey and Josh Miller surely know their audience, treating the fanboys and fangirls to loads of jaw-dropping, gruesome kills guaranteed to generate laughs and applause.  But their best idea here by far.....sprinkling the film with the kind of tender, affectionate, Chritmas-y moments you'd expect to find in a Disney film.  

                     Which begs the question: are these guys for real when they do this or are they slyly poking us in the ribs? Either way, it sets the film apart........ with its severe mashup of two genres that no one in their right mind would ever dream of viewing together in one film.   

                      While I realize we're still on the verge of summer, if you're already anticipating the holidays and can never get enough movies with somebody's innards spewing out of a fan exhaust, "Violent Night"s the perfect cup of cheer.....4 stars (****)....Season's Bleedings!

 

'FOLLOW ME, BOYS!'.....UNCLE WALT'S AMERICANA, ONE LAST TIME....

 Follow Me, Boys! (1966)    You can think of this as an end-of-an-era cinema landmark......the last film personally supervised and produced by Walt Disney before his death during the year of the film's release.....

           In its dramatic structure, it's probably one the most ambitious of Disney movies, a story stretching from post World War I through the 1950's, steeped in sanitized, Disney theme park Americana nostalgia.

           We follow the life and times of Lemuel Siddons, played, of course, by the studio's Father Figure Of Choice, Fred MacMurray. Lem, a Great War veteran and travelling band musician, ditches his band bus while it's briefly stopped in a small rural town......he seizes the opportunity to settle into a permanent home and join the town's everybody-knows-everybody community life. 

             And so he does, using his gentle nature and eternal optimism to romance and woo the town's bank teller (Vera Miles) and borrow her idea of starting an official Boy Scout Troup.......a dedicated calling that will consume Lem for a lifetime and endear him to the entire town and generations of its young boys. 

           If all of what I just described sounds overly shmaltzy and cornball to you.......prepare yourself. 

           At a leisurely, all-the-time-in-the-world 131 minutes, "Follow Me, Boys!" envelops you in Uncle Walt's never-neverland of Small Town America, U.S.A. But surprisingly, for such an epic length saga, the film make no great attempts to evoke its era.....visually, it looks shot on cheap backlot sets left over from one of Disney's TV shows.....(just compare it, if you will, to Warner Brother's beautifully designed River City, Iowa of its 1962 "The Music Man")

             MacMurray and his Scouts march on, encountering all the expected life lessons of teamwork, leadership and self reliance.....and because they're Disney Scouts, they're outfitted with their very own catchy marching tune by the studio's legendary songsmiths the Sherman brothers.  For heartfelt drama, there's the subplot of MacMurray bonding with the town's stubborn, delinquent loner (Kurt Russell) who's really a good brave kid but saddened and embittered from caring for his alcoholic father (Sean McClory).

             At this point, let me admit and reveal that I grew up on Disney movies, which probably rendered me more overly tolerant of the film's pokey, episodic pace. (What can I say? That's just the way the films were made....) But honestly, even as a Disney-phile, I did wish for a slimmed-down version of the silly sequence involving MacMurray and his Scouts stumbling across an Army war games operation. (Interesting side-note for further discussion: the film's depiction of the wargames soldiers and officers as mostly blustering boobs. .....

             And on and on the film goes, so determined to wallow in its well worn cliches and 1950's filmmaking techniques that it invited derision and mockery from even old-fashioned conservative film critics like the New York Times Bosley Crowther.  But certainly Uncle Walt achieved what he wanted for the last film that would truly deserve the possessive credit "Walt Disney's" above its title.......a dreamy, comforting vision of an America that existed only in his imagination......and in the "Main Street USA section of his theme parks..... 

             A genuine time capsule for all fans of vintage Disney.....(and a chance to see a young Kurt Russell - at age 15, already bursting with long-lasting charismatic talent )  If you're willing to surrender yourself to all its long-long-ago charms, you might even give it the same 3 stars (***) that BQ's awarding....

               

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.....SPECIAL "CNN TOWN SQUALL" EDITION.....

 

The CNN Trump Town Hall......

                       The reviews are in.....

                       "Brilliant journalism and wonderfully incisive and informative! I couldn't stop watching, I only wish it could have gone on for 6 hours!"   Vladimir Putin

                         "My role model at the top of his game! He's everything I aspire to, everything I ever wanted to be......and everything I'll lie about anyway if none of it happens!"    George Santos

                         "Blew me away from the first minute on!  He's the only one capable of forming our future Red State For White Christians Only country!  And he'll shoot down all those Jewish Space Lasers hovering over my office..."   Marjorie Taylor Greene

                          "The only guy I know, besides me, of course, who can shovel that amount of pure unadulterated horseshit in one sitting. Amazing!"  Tucker Carlson

                          "I don't care. Do you?"   Melania Trump

                          
                       

                       

'THE DARKEST HOUR'....TOO BAD THESE ALIENS DIDN'T ZAP PUTIN WHILE THEY WERE AT IT......

 The Darkest Hour (2011)    I never got around to wasting a precious 90 minutes on this when it first came out.....it looked so dopey, generic and inconsequential......

             But given it depicts an alien apocalypse in the heart of Moscow, and it since it recently popped up on Hulu, what can I say? I wasted 90 precious minutes on it......

            Three big pluses..... first, .it does stand out by shlepping a quartet of American millennials over to Russia, just in time for invisible aliens to float down into Moscow, zapping everybody into dust with frickin' lightning bolts....

              Second, the film moves its ass at the kind of furious pace you'd expect from a movie like this.

             Third,  there's a whole load of fascinating shots of these desperate survivors fleeing through all sorts of Russian landmarks, including the massive GUM Department store, which looks like you could fly planes in and out of it. 

             What's fascinating here is the peculiar period of Russian history this movie falls into.....communism's gone bye-bye, and movies now feel free to portray the country as sort of a new version of the American Wild West.....outlaws, gangs, hard-partying and plenty of McDonald's franchises if you crave a Big Mac with your borscht . 

              Ah, but what a difference 12 years makes.......with war criminal Putin returning the place to its evil, USSR roots and making the country a world wide pariah......ruled by a rat-faced, pseudo  Bond villain who slaughters women and children.....well, because he can. 

               But let us return to the simpler era of "The Darkest Hour", which even includes a host of Russian actors in supporting, heroic roles......and anyone who's seen at least two or three alien invasion movies can easily predict every cheeseball plot turn. (Not that doesn't make the movie any less fun to sit through....)

                Can these zappity-zappin' electric creatures be thwarted?  Oh come on, you know they can.....and you can probably take fairly accurate guesses as to which cast members end up dust-to-dust and which ones survive the fade-out unzapped. 

               If Hulu or the producers of this film really wanted to refurbish it into an all new crowd-pleaser, they should insert a mid-credits Marvel-type teaser at the end......with Vlad the impaler meeting with his generals, moments before the the aliens ZAP them into oblivion.

               Now that's what BQ calls a happy ending. But even without it, the film's still a moderately amusing sci-fi guilty pleasure for all alien-invasion completists...2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2)

             

             

'AT LONG LAST LOVE'...AT LONG LAST, AN APPRECIATION OF BOGDANOVICH'S COLE PORTER APOCALYPSE

 At Long Last Love (1975)  Of the 'New Hollywood' generation of directors who rose and flourished in the 1970's (or 'movie brats as they were sometimes called), none enjoyed a more meteoric rise than Peter Bogdanovich. 

            Like more than a few of his fellow movie buffs, he survived a sink-or-film internship in Roger Corman's shlock factory........

            But unlike a  Quentin Tarantino, infatuated with video store genre junk, Bogdanovich worshipped the old school masters like John Ford, Howard Hawks and Preston Sturges. And he dominated the cinema zeitgeist with his meticulously crafted imitations of  classic Hollywood.....with his bittersweet elegiac drama "The Last Picture Show (1971), his imitation 'Bringing Up Baby' screwball comedy "What's Up Doc" (1972), and his snappy black-and-white father-daughter con artist romp "Paper Moon" (1973). 

           But along with his fame and accolades, Bogdanovich's ego swelled and he reveled in the attention, along with his then girlfriend Cybill Shepherd, a stunning blonde fashion model-actress and one of the stars of his "The Last Picture Show". 

            In their numerous talk show and public appearances, the couple made a toxic impression.....smug, entitled, supremely self-satisfied. They came across like the high school cool couple who sneered at all the rest of us groveling nerds......

           The chroniclers of the cultural landscape couldn't wait for the opportunity to take them down more than a few notches. And Bogdanovich and Shepherd gifted them with all the ammunition they needed.....with "At Long Last Love". The power couple's seeming self-indulgent snobbery was headed for a catastrophic reckoning at the hands of cinema pundits. 

           The director fashioned a loving tribute to 1930's musicals with his screenplay built around more than a dozen classic songs of composer-lyricist Cole Porter....(a master of combining jokey, intricate lyrics with can't-get-it-out-of-your-head melodies.)

            In a move of either hubris, balls or groundbreaking originality, Bodganovich didn't have his cast sing to their own pre-recorded playbacks, the technical standard for virtually every Hollywood musical. He had them spontaneously perform the songs live on the soundstages while the cameras rolled... a bold move considering most of the cast were untrained in musical performance and .an unheard of idea that you'll probably never see used  in a film musical ever again.......

            The story involves a cast of top-hatted, begowned New York society swells, played by Shepherd, Burt Reynolds at the height of his superstardom, Madeline Kahn and Dulio Del Prete. Following in their wake with wisecracks and asides are their loyal servants (Eileen Brennan and John Hillerman, both deadpan comic masters.)

                Needless to say, much romantic complications, snappy retorts and enthusiastically delivered Porter songs follow them everywhere go.....all around a town gorgeously designed mostly in primary black-and-white decor similar to the Ascot Races set in "My Fair Lady.

                In this oddball cast, the only real singer here is Madeline Kahn, who easily proves herself a musical comedy powerhouse in every scene she graces. But Reynolds and Shepherd to their credit, carry the tunes just fine and deliver Cole Porter's trademark knife-edged wit with just the right amount of charm and sarcasm. 

               After the decades I've spent chasing after a DVD or Blu-Ray of this impossible to find lost film, some brilliant soul uploaded a full, digitally restored copy on YouTube, where you can finally view it now. (Pretty much pristine with the single exception of one musical number obviously taken from a worn out editing room workprint)

               And how does "At Long Last Love" hold up after 48 years?

               Surprise, surprise.....it 's damn good. I was charmed, entertained, amused, impressed.....and that's saying a hell of a lot more than some of the brand new releases I've suffered through so far this year. I'll not describe it any further, just let the film transport you to its own little snow-globe never-neverland. 

                 But getting back to the film's history.......as I already explained, the zeitgeist knives were out for Bogdanovich and Shepherd.  Film critics gleefully savaged the movie as an unwatchable, ego-driven vanity project for the director and his leading lady/girlfriend.  Less than a few days into its release, the rotting stench of failure had been attached to the film forever, forcing it to slink out of theatres in a week or less.

                Reynolds career remained undamaged, since his public persona already included snarky self-depreciation....(his 'Bandit' character from 'Smokey And The Bandit' would later muse about his failed record album "Bandit Does Cole Porter") Shepherd moved on to episodic television, later successfully  re-inventing herself as a comedienne in the show "Moonlighting".

               Bogdanovich continued his directorial career, to middling degrees of both success and failure, but never approaching anything close to the flavor-of-the-month heights he hit in the golden age of the early 1970's. 

                A true lost-and-then-found movie, I'm not afraid to say that I kinda loved "At Long Last Love".......a gem of an unfairly maligned film from an era long gone......and if you're any sort of a movie musical fan, a must-see.....4 stars (****)

            .