Eternals (2021) After we dutifully plowed through "WandaVision" and "Loki" on Disney Plus, our eyes began to roll upward at the thought of figuring out the ever expanding Marvel Multiverse Crazy Train......and now we're past the point of caring one way or the other.....
No wonder the MCU Multiverse has now become prime joke fodder for "Saturday Night Live".....
Yet again we dutifully sat through all near-unwatchable 156 minutes of "Eternals"......a film that seemed inevitable - the result of what happens when a wildly overrated, overpraised film festival sweetheart gets her hands on a 200 million budget and hundreds of CGI artists at her disposal.
The result? Just what you'd expect. Endless, pointless scenes of actors exchanging pseudo indie-film blah-blah-blah interrupted by the usual Marvel rock 'em-sock'em bash-ups of actors hurling each other into the air with frickin' laser beams coming out of their various body parts.......
If nothing else, it's ambitious in its conception, throwing together chunks of world history, anthropology, archeology, theology and God only know how many other ologies......
If you combine all this accumulated crap together, it starts to sound like the gibberish espoused by Tom Cruise and his fellow Scientology zombies......
In no way, shape or form would we attempt to describe the plot details of this mess. Other than it involves a bunch of god-like immortals who serve at the pleasure of some overpowering, deep-voiced deity named.....Afterlife or Aftershave or Aftermath or whatever.......who the hell cares.....
These worthies include an Alpha Male stud who shoots frickin' laser beams out of his eyes, a Bollywood star, a deaf girl, a gay black guy and a kid goddess who looks like, for who knows what reason, a pre-teen girl. (And she's as pissed about being stuck in forever childhood as Kirsten Dunst's never aging moppet bloodsucker in "Interview With A Vampire").
Oh... and we almost forget.... also in the gang - Angelina Jolie, who wanders through the movie as if she forget she was in it too.......
Anyway, after millions of eons in his service, the Eternals decide they're not down anymore with Afterburn's master plan which ends with an apocalyptic wipe-out for each planet they've been assigned to nurture and protect from CGI beasties called Deviants. Which is good news for planet Earth, we guess.....since we've got enough problems with our deviants in the priesthood.......
Then the film, to nobody's surprise, pulls a third act twist which will naturally lead to an Eternal (and we mean that literally too) civil war rock 'em-sock 'em CGI Thunderdome, chock full 'o frickin' laser beams and other assorted glowy weapons.......followed by the expected post-credit teasers designed to leave the Marvel True Believers salivating at the thought of 'Eternals 2'.......(heavy sigh......)
And that's where we'll leave this endurance test of a movie.......to the Marvel Mavens who'll no doubt spend hours analyzing its intricacies.
As for us and anyone else who still fondly remembers the simple pleasures of the original "Spiderman" trilogy and the first "Iron Man", stay far far away from this one......Zero stars (0).
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