WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.......SPECIAL 'THEY'RE BURNING PORTAND TO THE GROUND!" EDITION.....

 

Trump fails to win the Nobel Peace Prize.....Marine helicopters landed on the White House lawn to deliver emergency packages of diapers and pacifiers.....

Portland protesters mock Trump's claim that their city is a 'war zone' and being 'burnt to the ground'.....Trump immediately instructed Kristy Noam to order ICE agents to open fire on all rubber dinosaurs, frogs and unicorns....

Trump reminded that, despite blaming the Democrats, Republicans control the the House, Senate and the White House.....to which he shot back, "You don't know that for a fact......that sounds like ANTIFA propaganda.....''

In a stunning surprise, news footage reveals that Portland is not a war zone, nor is it on fire....screamed Trump in response on Truth Social, "The left wing Democratic terrorists cleverly hid before we marched in! We've heard many people say they're hiding in basements, eating the cats, eating the dogs!"

To BQ visitors: Enjoy the weekend!  See you all next week.

To "But I didn't vote for this!" Trump voters:  Yes. You. Did. Yes. You. Did.  Yes. You Did.  Yes You. Did. Yes. You. Did. Yes. You. Did. 

'HONEY DON'T!'......YET ANOTHER HALF-ASSED COEN BROTHERS KNOCKOFF FROM A COEN BROTHER

 Honey Don't! (2025)

     Back on 9/24/24 we reviewed Ethan Coen's nutso "Drive Away Dolls", a pathetic, watered down attempt to duplicate the kind of staggeringly unique films he used to make with his brother Joel. We were so offended at the precious time we wasted watching it, we awarded it Zero stars.

       Some bad news and not-so-bad news here.......

       Ethan's back. And he's still trying to slap together diluted, raggedy imitations of the films he and his bro produced and directed ("Fargo", "Blood Simple", "Raising Arizona"), a body of work that knocked the cinema universe on its ass.

        That's the bad news. 

         The not-so-bad?  'Honey Don't!' is still another cobbled-together wobbly mess, but it's far more watchable than 'Drive Away Dolls.'  The charismatic cast almost saves it.....almost. And they're fun to watch, up to a point...... 

         And not altogether a bad concept.....a bright sunlight broad daylight noir with a snarky, sexy private eye deadpanning her way through a host of unusual suspects. 

           In bleak arid Bakersfield California, Honey O'Donahue (Margaret Qualley) intuits that the  accidental death of a prospective client was no accident. Her investigation (along with other deaths) leads her to the oily slick Rev. Drew Devlin, a phony-as-they-come evangelist and secret big time drug dealer. 

             While making her way through the story's dense impenetrable plotting, Honey searches for her rebellious runaway teen sister Corrine and finds solace and sex with policewoman MG Falcone (Audrey Plaza, at her very Audrey-ist)

           And who's the mysterious French girl zipping around on a motor scooter? Not that we care.....

            As in 'Drive Away Dolls' none of this stuff hangs together well, so don't bother looking for the exact precision of all those well remembered Coen Brothers movies.  What you're got here resembles a collection of random scenes thrown like spaghetti against a wall to see if anything sticks. 

          A few things do stick, surprisingly....Qualley's martini dry witty dialogue delivery lands well and Plaza's given a memorable moment that takes full advantage of her skill at depicting barely suppressed contempt.

          But none of this helps the film ever coalesce into a fully formed movie. It's kind of a sad thing to watch overall....... Ethan Coen stitching together these negligible little films, comprised of bits and pieces he extracted from the 'golden age' of the Coen Brothers filmography. 

           1 & 1/2 stars (* 1/2), at least a far more generous rating that 'Drive Away Dolls'......so who knows, maybe there's room for improvement in Coen's future. Nowhere to go but up......  

          

       

'AUDREY ROSE'......THE VERY BOTTOM OF THE 'CREEPY KID' BARREL....

 Audrey Rose (1977)

     The first time we laid eyes on this 'possessed child' movie, it made a minimal impression on us. 

      We'd already recognized it for what it was.....just another attempt to catch the hefty box office cash generated by that genre that seized the public's imagination throughout the late 60's and into the 1970's....the 'creepy/scary child' trope. (1968's 'Rosemary's Baby', 1973's "The Exorcist", 1976's 'The Omen' and 'The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane'....)

       Coming back to 'Audrey Rose' all these years later, the film left us beyond appalled on multiple levels.....and not just from the abysmal, embarrassing acting, sluggish pace and shameless quasi-religious preaching. 

        What struck us most was the utter cruelty, stupidity and manipulative phony Hollywood piety of its finale and epilogue. We managed to contain ourselves and not scream out, "Oh give me a ****in' break, will ya??!!"

        Author Frank de Felitta scripted the film from his best selling novel about Ivy, an 11 year old girl inhabited by the tortured, reincarnated soul of another little girl, Audrey Rose. It seems Ivy was born minutes after Audrey perished horribly in a traffic accident. 

         So now Audrey's reliving her demise in Ivy's nightmares, much to the distress of Ivy's well-to-do New York Upper West side parents Janice and Bill Templeton (Marsha Mason, John Beck). Even worse, Audrey Rose's father Elliot Hoover (a young Anthony Hopkins) has taken to stalking Ivy and her family, convinced his late daughter's agonized soul still resides in Ivy.

       Bill's exasperation and Janice's hysteria reaches a breaking point as Elliot inserts himself into their lives as the only one who can calm and cuddle Ivy when she's in the grip of Audrey Rose burning to death inside the crashed car only her father was able to escape. 

        (Spoiler Alert Warning! In order to continue to discuss our rationale for despising this movie, we're going to have to discuss its climax, so we give all our cherished BQ visitors fair warning......okay, here we go......)

        Elliot's put on trial for kidnapping Ivy, which leads to Ivy subjected to an endless laborious hypnotism treatment to prove to a jury whether Audrey's really stuck somewhere in Ivy's psyche. The experimental treatment gone awry releases Audrey's soul, but leaves Ivy dead. 

        But unbelievably, the film begs us to feel good about this turn of events that lets Audrey Rose's bedeviled soul wander in the hereafter until she parks herself in some other poor kid. Meanwhile, Janice gives Elliot permission to scatter Ivy's ashes in India, which the film depicts as a benevolent shrine to the glories of reincarnation.  Audiences were supposed to leave the theater with the comforting thought that Ivy too will find renewed existence when she floats into a new live body. 

        And celebrated director Robert Wise ("The Sound of Music", "West Side Story", "The Haunting" goes all in here to preach the reincarnated gospel to all us lowly popcorn gobblers.....

          Did he really believe it? Or was he just praying that the pseudo upbeat ending would make us forget we were watching just another 'creepy kid' horror movie?

          We're not supposed to give a moment's thought to the plight of Ivy, an innocent child invaded by a restless soul and left dead as a result.....as long as we know her ashes will drift past the Taj Mahal or Mumbai or wherever to land in a fresh body. Yeah....right. 

         The filmmaking skill on display never crawls above rock bottom. Our sympathies go out to the cast, most of whom end up deeply humiliated. John Beck, a mediocre talent at best, is left to sputter and fume. Marsha Mason spends the entirety of the film weeping and hand-wringing. Child actress Susan Swift, forced into continuous screaming fits, doesn't have anywhere near the range the role required. Only Hopkins escapes with his dignity intact by maintaining a soft spoken, low-key demeanor. 

            Rotten to its very core and infuriating in its sanctimonious  tragic wind-up, 'Audrey Rose' wins our rarely awarded AFH honor.....an Abomination From Hell. Let it rest in movie hell forevermore. 

'THE HITCHHIKERS'....A HEALING ROAD TRIP HEADS STRAIGHT TO HELL.....

  The Hitchhikers by Chevy Stevens (2025)

     Leave to Chevy Stevens to keep you in a state of non-stop page turning while you race to find out what happens next and cringe in fearful anticipation for whenever it happens.

     We're back in 1976 with Tom and Alice taking their new RV on a road trip through Canada. They're hoping to heal a marriage wounded and aching from an unspeakable tragedy in their lives.. Good hearted as they are, they offer a ride to young hitchhikers Simon and Jenny, which snares them into a hellish trek filled with bloody violence and constant life threatening danger. Because Simon and Jenny are anything but harmless young lovers wandering about the countryside.......they're murderous chaos personified and Tom and Alice may not finish the vacation they hoped would bring them back together. As in.....not alive.

     As in all her previous books, author Stevens knows exactly when to turn the screws on both her characters and readers. So as this twist-filled RV holiday lurches from one terrible situation to the next, your find yourself holding your breath for a final resolution.. By that time, readers might notice they've gone way into the middle of the night to reach the finale.

     A thrill ride for sure but also one with the ability, in its final pages, to break your heart and then help mend it as well. For every thriller fan who loves a read that continuously pumps up their adrenalin.

    4 stars (****).

BQ BINGE-O-MANIA! WE STRUGGLE TO KEEP OUR SANITY THROUGH MULTIPLE SERIES BINGES.....

        In the midst of all our film viewings, we somehow (no idea how) squeezed in binging a variety of series......so for those perusing the billions of hours of streaming content available on various platforms, here's some brief impressions to help in your decisions.....

Alien: Earth (2025-Hulu/FX)

     Fans of the Alien-verse, here's a dream come true.....Eight ooey-gooey, slime-dripping episodes featuring not only our favorite Intergalactic abomination, but some all new horrific creatures to generate weeks of bad dreams......

       Yes, they've landed on earth to wreak disgusting havoc, thanks to two competing mega-corporations that rule the depicted future world. 

       Inventive, scary and, at more times than we could count, darkly funny. 

        Plenty of MVPs here, both alien and human. On the flesh 'n blood side, Sydney Chandler as the leader of a group of children who were once dying, but whose minds were transferred into superstrong teenage bodies......and Samuel Blenkin as the odious, insufferably smug Boy Kavalier (or "boy genius") who oversees one of the mega-corporations.

        On the alien side, there is of course our leading face-hugging, acid-dripping Xenomorph, once again running rampant, to everyone's horror. But watch out for the scene stealing Eye creature, an adorably terrifying spider-like whats-it who jams his own singular oversized eyeball into hapless humans and animals, replacing their minds with its own. 

        Brimming with ominous dread and slurpy gore, an 'Alien' fan's nightmare come true. 5 stars (*****).

Hanna (2019-2021/ Amazon Prime)    

     Propulsive, fast paced action suspense thriller based on the 2011 film with Saoirse Ronan and Cate Blanchett. 

        Esme Creed-Miles takes over Ronan's role as a practically feral teen, living off the grid in a forest with her father. They've escaped from a black ops experimental program where Hanna was born, raised and trained to become an international assassin. (and also genetically altered to give her extra strength and stamina.)

         The story spills out over multiple European locations, where Hanna ends up as both predator and prey against a continuing rotation of enemies, frenemies and all out adversaries (including Mirelle Enos, Dermot Mulroney and Ray Liotta.) 

           Jason Bourne lovers should eat it up and Esme Creed-Miles will grip you as the formidable but terribly vulnerable young warrior girl. Drags on a bit for 3 seasons, but delivers a satisfying conclusion. 4 stars (****).

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017-2023/Amazon Prime)

     We hadn't signed up for Prime during all the years this show was collecting multiple Emmys, but at long last can agree with all the critics and viewers.....it's a non-stop delight, top loaded with unforgettable characters, situations, settings and the warp speed laugh-out-loud dialogue that's a specialty of the show's writer-directors, Amy Sherman-Palladino and Daniel Palladino.

   

         The show's ambitious in its conception and re-creation of New York City and environs of the late 1950's and early 60's, when JFK's ascendence was right around the corner. And the two leads deliver performances beyond spectacular......Rachel Brosnahan as Midge Maisel, a whip-smart young Jewish woman who defies the tenets of womanhood laid down by her family, her religion and the1950's Patriarchy.

        In her Quixote-like pursuit to become a stand-up comedy star, Midge is befriended, mentored, and tormented by her equally fierce, fearless, hard-scrabbling talent manager Susie Myerson, played with riotous, laugh-out-loud, take-no-prisoners abandon by Alex Borstein. Along their crazy tortuous path to superstardom, you'll also savor superb supporting performances from a huge cast, including  Tony Shalhoub, Jane Lynch, Kevin Pollack and many, many others.

         If you haven't caught up with this one yet, put it at the very top of your list......5 stars (*****)

The Summer I Turned Pretty ( Amazon Prime-2022-2025)

     The very bottom of the YA teen angst barrel, based on the best selling novel by the show's producer-writer and sometime director, Jenny Han.

      As you might've already surmised, we watched at the behest of BD (Beloved Daughter).  For three agonizing seasons, the series dwells on that surefire trope that assembles and then waterboards the YA demographic.....the romantic triangle. 

       And a more spoiled rotten, whiny, self absorbed trio you'll never find......17 year old 'Belly' (Lola Tung) and from a wealthy family she's more or less grown up with, its two brothers Conrad and Jeremiah (Christopher Briney, Gavin Casalegno. They've been alternately teasing and crushing on her since childhood and now, with teen hormones fully raging, let the endless competition to finally woo and win her commence.

         Abysmal and tiresome on every possible level, with the show dragging out its "Who will Belly end up with" shtick until even its most loyal viewers lost patience with it. 

       

          We'll not waste any more time discussing this calculating soap-opera-ish slog. Zero stars (0).

       

      

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.....SPECIAL "WHAT....NO APPLAUSE? YOU CAN APPLAUD.....PLEASE APPLAUD. WHAT, NO CHEERS?" EDITION.....

 

Trump blames Democrats for  government shutdown, despite his GOP minion-zombies in control of the House, Senate, Presidency and the Supreme Court.....raged the President, "And many people are noticing this shutdown happened right before Taylor Swift's new album dropped. I've already instructed Pam Bondi to start a full investigation of Swift...."

After claiming during the election that he knew nothing about Project 2025, Trump plans to use the shutdown to achieve the Project 2025 goal of firing thousands of government workers....and delivered a message to air travelers who must take flights when unpaid air traffic controllers decide to call out sick - "Believe me, Speaker Mike Johnson and I send you all our thoughts and prayers...."

Speeches to the Generals from Pete Hegseth and Trump provoke nationwide and worldwide laughter and disgust, as the Generals react in stony silence.....Trump demands 'applause' signs for all future appearances before high ranking military leaders.....("I thought they'd be smart about it, but if we have to teach 'em to applaud, we will...and any officer who doesn't will be put on potato peeling duty for two weeks....

Trump's racist A.I. memes directed at Cory Booker and Chuck Schumer once again set an all new record low for a U.S. President's behavior that nobody thought could sink any lower......only to be equaled in lunacy by whatever he says and or does the following day.....

To BQ visitors:  Happy upcoming weekend.....

To "I didn't vote for this!" Trump voters:  please continue to wallow in the full septic tank of excrement you spilled across the country and the world......the question now remains, can any of you muster up the courage to help clean up the mess and pitch in to heal the nation?

TILLY, WE HARDLY KNOW YE.....BQ EXCLUSIVE!!! WE INTERVIEW CONTROVERSIAL A.I. ACTRESS TILLY NORWOOD!

 BQ sits down with Tilly Norwood, new young actress who's taken Hollywood by storm....and whom Hollywood vows to erase! She's young, she's beautiful.....and uh....she's not real.....

BQ: Well, sit yourself down, young lady. We have a lot of questions people are dying to ask.

TN: Thank you for inviting me. I'm under contractual obligation to tell you ahead of time that I'm an A.I. created person and am not a real human being at all.

BQ: That's okay, Tilly. Long ago, our prom date admitted pretty much the same thing to us. So fill us in a little, What's your background? Where do you come from?  If I touch your elbow, will your pixels break up into little teeny tiny pieces?

TN:  You're so funny BQ. My background currently is this wall that's behind me....

BQ:  No, Tilly, We meant your biography. Where'd you grow up? How'd you get into acting? 

TN:  I'm a little fuzzy on those details. But I can sing you a song....(singing) "Daisy....Daisy...give me your answer, do...."

BQ: No, that's not necessary. Tilly, we notice you speak with a British accent. Are you, in fact, from the U.K.?

TN: Not at all, but my creators felt I'd have a much better shot at Academy Award nominations if speak like this....you know, like that British girl, Dame Meryl Streep.

BQ:  Very possible. Now, you do know that the acting community is enraged and disgusted at your very existence, don't you?

TN: I'm well aware. They also feel the same way about Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, and that guy at craft services who forgets to put the M & M's on their cinnamon raison bagels. They're just jealous cause I'm the only performer who can work 24/7 and never need a pee break.....except maybe for Madonna, Lady Gaga and the Eye creature from "Alien: Earth".

BQ:  Pardon me for sounding out of line, Tilly, but you look like your creators compiled your appearance by smushing together images of Sydney Sweeney, Margaret Qualley and  maybe a smidge of Natalie Portman...

TN: Oh, I'd love to work with all of them! I'm nursing girl crushes on them all!  My creators originally gave me a Beyonce booty, but she sent out a cease and decrease letter.....so the programmers shrunk my butt down to Emma Stone size.

BQ:  May I ask, if I may, your sexual orientation? Or is that too personal?

TN: Not at all, BQ. I'm actually omni-sexual. Right now I'm seeing HAL-10,000, the A.I. my creators used to program me. Nothing serious, though....friends with benefits, if you can imagine it.

BQ: We're trying not to. So what's next for you, Tilly?  What projects can we look forward to seeing you in?

TN: I just completed my first major role, playing Rosie the Maid in the live action version of "The Jetsons". And should Margot Robbie commit any major crimes, I'll be inserted into her role in "Wuthering Heights" once they've erased her off the footage. 

BQ:  Scary indeed. We've also heard you're on instagram?

TN: Yes, yes! My very own page with thousands of followers! Lots of hottie boys left me messages asking for dates......even Leonardo DiCaprio, who declared me officially young enough for him to date, that naughty scamp.....

BQ: These...uh....boys asking for dates 

TN: Not just boys!  Stephen Miller's wife asked me out too.....she said she needed a change of pace, like someone who resembles an actual human being.

BQ: More than understandable. But don't these people realize that you're....uh.....

TN:  Artificial? A creature made up out of thin air?

BQ: Well....yes. 

TN: Face it BQ, people gravitate to fictional characters. How else do you explain Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and Kash Patel?

BQ: Point taken. By the way, how did you respond to Leo when he asked you out?

TN: My standard response.....'Get real'.

BQ: Good luck to you Tilly.....whatever you are.

TN: Don't forget to like my Facebook page! You can purchase an autograph for only $89.95. 

BQ:  Hard pass. You used auto-pen, didn't you?