'THE BLOB (1988)......WHY DON'T WE...OOZE ON DOWN, OOZE ON DOWN THE ROAD.......

 The Blob (1988)  This remake/reinvention of the classic 1958 sci-fi  horror hit with Steve McQueen came along at one of the worst times in BQ's life......

         The film released as we toiled and suffered under the yolk of the Dark Lords of Blockbuster Video...(may they all rot in hell where they're forever forced to undergo hourly colonoscopies....)

         We barely can remember any of the movies we viewed that horrific year.....eventually, we had to return to them with fresh, untroubled eyes.....including this one.

         Co-writer Frank Darabont (later famous for his Stephen King adaptations) and writer-director Chuck Russell may not have worked with the biggest of budgets, but they obviously had way more cash to play with than the little Downingtown Pa. crew who put together the original Blob. 

         Using far more advanced and versatile special effects available to them, their 1988 Blob was leagues ahead of the bucket of industrial goo that ever-so-slowwwwly menaced Steve McQueen. 

         Befitting a more hyper, thrill-a-minute age, the '88 Blob was an aggressively nasty creature, reveling in the tortured agonies of its victims. And far more sentient too. This Blob didn't just randomly ooze about and roll over people: it stalked and hunted humans down like a predator on the prowl.

         And when called upon, it could spout tentacles for grabbing. (This is the one addition that we didn't approve of, turning our beloved jelly into some kind of all-purpose sci-fi Swiss Army Knife creature. We think Russell and Darabont missed the point here.....that the Blob stays in our nightmares as a simple, primal terror, like a giant ambulatory cancer cell that lives only to metastasize and engulf you until you cease to be. )

        But let's not quibble over spilt tentacles. The movie's a whole lotta gooey, gruesome fun, with the Blob clearly enjoying itself as it rampages through a typical Small Town In The Heartland. Various victims are melted, smothered in filmy slime, consumed from the inside out and in one bravura scene sucked down a kitchen sink drain.  Pure Bloberiffic goodness.

        The Steve McQueen rebel-without-a-clue role was given to Matt Dillon's little bro Kevin, who's plays it as a true leather-jacketed sneering 1950's juvenile delinquent. (But unlike McQueen, whose cool was effortless, Dillon has to work hard at it, posturing and posing.)

        Lots of excellent supporting actors filled out the supporting cast - Jeffrey DeMunn, Candy Clark, Joe Seneca, Paul McCrane and oddly enough, as the town minister, Del Close, one of the founding fathers of improvisational theater.

        After finally catching up with the film, years after our confinement in the Blockbuster Gulag, we discovered we loved every oozy-doozy minute of it (minus the tentacles....)

        A must for all sci-fi/horror viewers.....3 & 1/2 stars (***1/2).

         

'MCQ'......THE DUKE IS ONE DIRTY HARRIED COP.....

 McQ (1974)    John Wayne was only one of a host of big stars who turned down "Dirty Harry", leaving the role to fall to Clint Eastwood, who launched himself and the film into movie history.....

          The Law-Unto-Himself Rogue Cop became a staple of 1970's action cinema and Big John joined the unlawful enforcement brigade with this movie. Directed by high testosterone specialist John Sturgis ("The Great Escape", "The Magnificent Seven"), 'McQ' offers a few simple pleasures for fans of the genre.

           But by the end of it, you realize you've seen it all before....and done with a lot more style and violence than this film provides. 

            But you'll not hear us complain a whole lot about it.  Even an aging, lumbering, slow-moving John Wayne still possessed charisma to spare. Audiences grew up with him and still couldn't get enough of him. 

            Wayne shared the screen with two co-stars.....not people, but two spectacular pieces of equipment that almost steal the movie from him every time they appear. 

             First his car......a Pontiac Firebird TransAm, which Wayne's tough cop character McQ refers to as 'the Green Hornet'.  No wonder someone's trying to steal it the first time we see it. The car looks like a worthy competitor to Steve McQueen's iconic "Bullitt" Ford Mustang.......and you'd better believe Wayne's stunt man drives the hell out of it.....

             Secondly.........Wayne's go-to weapon of choice and it's a wham-bammer.....an Ingram MAC-10 machine pistol that sprays out 20 bullets per second.  The film cleverly makes us wait until the final 10 minutes before the Duke gets pissed off enough to...uh....whip it out and let it splooge lead at the bad guys......

             'McQ's plot aligned with the general fear, loathing and distrust of authority that ruled the 1970's.  To his sad surprise, straight arrow Wayne discovers that hateful drug lord Santiago (Al Lettieri) has been one-upped in crime by even craftier drug money launderers within the police department. 

             And that's more than enough to commence the beatdowns, shootouts and chases, all of which are tailored around the not-too-light-on-his feet Wayne. The Firebird gets some nice tire-screeching time on the freeways until two giant trucks try mashing it into the size of a mini-Cooper.....with Wayne still inside of it. 

            The finale does serve up a well orchestrated car chase through beach surf, forcing Wayne and two carloads of bad guys to put their wipers on high power. And then at long last, comes what we sat through the movie for......the MAC-10 struts its death-dealing stuff and does not disappoint. 

            As we pointed out before, this film is no "Dirty Harry" or "Magnum Force" and "French Connection". It's paced like a TV cop show with not much momentum or immediacy. And sorry to say regarding Wayne, but we have to quote Danny Glover's favorite line from the 'Lethal Weapon' series......the Duke's gettin' too old for this shit. 

          A nice lineup of familiar faces populate the cast.....Eddie Albert as Wayne's disapproving boss, Clu Gulager as a fellow cop pal, David Huddleston as a private eye pal and even The Creature From The Black Lagoon's girlfriend Julie Adams shows up as Wayne's ex wife.  Last, but certainly not least, the ever menacing Al Lettieri, who briefly reigned as the supreme villain of 70's movies before succumbing to a heart attack. 

          "McQ" will still stand as an absolute must for John Wayne completists and curator-collectors of 1970's action films. But for everyone else? A questionable choice, given there's so many more superior films of this era and this particular rogue cop genre to enjoy. 

            At BQ, we'll leave it to you. 2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2).

                 

'THE HELLIONS'......HIGH NOON IN SOUTH AFRICA......

 The Hellions (1961)   In our progressively clouding memories we remember catching this on one of those prime time movie showings that CBS, ABC and NBC used to fill up 2 hours of air time. 

        How they ever managed to latch on to this one, we'll never know. YouTube was the only venue we could find it on.......

        A gun-shootin' western taking place in the wild, untamed frontier of 19th century South Africa?  Oh yes, by all means. 

         We remember our initial reaction.....that we'd never seen anything quite like it and loved that it had all the same stuff as American westerns......scuzzy villians! A stalwart lawman! A goofy melodramatic main credits ballad! And one hell of a final combo brawl and shootout!

         Watching it again, as cornball and dopey as it is, we still kinda like it.

         That opening song is priceless, an apparent attempt to duplicate the melodramatic tunes that introduced "Gunfight At The O.K. Corral and "High Noon". 

         The casting of the villainous Daddy Outlaw Luke Billings and his four scumbag sons made us smile wide. Dad's played by, of all people, Lionel Jeffries, who almost always appeared as lovable, befuddled old Grandpas. And boy does he make the most of this opportunity....clearly relishing his chance to transform into a vile old codger.

          The quartet cast as his spawn do their best to outshine him in hammy posturing.......especially James Booth as the extra rotten apple of the bunch. (You'll also spot Colin Blakely and Al Mullock, famously the third guy along Woody Strode and Jack Elam as the gunfighter trio of the iconic "Once Upon A Time In The West".)

          But who can ever stand up to these creeps, who blow into town to terrify (and every so often shoot dead) innocent bystanders?

           That can only mean uniformed lawman Sam Hargis (Richard Todd) who's arrested Luke and his calamitous clan before.......which means they're gunnin' for him for sure....

          Sam's stuck between the same rock-and-a-hard-place as Gary Cooper in "High Noon". He's the only law in town and the cowering townsfolk won't lift a finger to help him.  (To Richard Todd's credit, he plays this stern straight-arrow hero with a mounting sense of genuine fear. )

            After Jeffries, Booth and Blakely enjoy a fine old time terrorizing the populace, we finally get to the good stuff the film's song promised from the start......that the murderous Billings family...."died on the Transvaal dust!". 

           Ooops....maybe that song should have had a Spoiler Alert. But then again, the film's such a blatant imitation of American western tropes, that climax doesn't hold any earthshaking surprises. 

            We only found out recently that writer-director Ken Annakin originally conceived the film as a spoof along the lines of "Cat Ballou".  Certainly Jeffries, Booth and Blakely understood the concept since they wildly overplay their roles as if in a comedy skit.  But when Annakin fell ill during shooting, assistants took over and from the overall tone of the film, they never got Annakin's memo or intentions.......

            Not that we minded much. The more serious and intense the film becomes, the funnier it gets. 

             Quite the oddity, this one, sort of the unofficially first British produced western. Cinema curators in the mood for something different might want check it out.....2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2).

'THE LAST BOOKSTORE ON EARTH'....TWO TEEN GIRLS TRY SURVIVING WORLD'S END.....AND EACH OTHER....

  The Last Bookstore On Earth by Lily Braun-Arnold (2025)

     Frightening and heartbreaking, this is the end of the world as experienced by two teen girls thrown together in a struggle to survive.......and somehow struggling with their growing connection to each other.

     In the uncomfortably nearby future, Mother Earth's uncontrollable climate takes an apocalyptic turn with lethal acid storms that wipe out all but isolated pockets of humanity. In a pocket all to herself sits 17 year old Liz, now the sole proprietor and resident of the abandoned bookstore where she used to work. A few wandering stragglers left alive stop in to trade their random valued items for books, interrupting Liz's solitude. But then Maeve, another teen girl breaks into the store for a longer stay and she's Liz's opposite in every possible way....except one. Maeve's own terrible ordeals toughened her enough to stay alive and she's got the practical skills that could help Liz turn the bookstore into an acceptable shelter. And it's a shelter they'll desperately need since another toxic storm is heading their way.

     Liz and Maeve's separately tragic stories slowly bring them together as more than just colliding survivors. You'll feel your heart aching for them as they find a way to a working, uneasy friendship and then on to genuine deep affection. And all of this occurs as the girls face one life threatening challenge after another...what's worse, there's more than the storm coming for them.....

     Believe me, that makes for a glued-to-the-pages, can't-put-it-down book.

     If you're willing to endure and plunge into the nightmarish scenario that author Lily Braun-Arnold so vividly envisions, "The Last Bookstore on Earth" takes you on the kind of emotional ride that's well worth the read.

       5 stars (*****)

'WICKED JENNY'.....WHO OR WHAT IS HAUNTING AND STALKING NOW GROWN CHILDHOOD FRIENDS?

 Wicked Jenny by Matt Hilton (2025) 

     Grim, dark and horrific, hardly anyone escapes this book unscathed. And tragically more than few don't escape at all.

     Four men, now grown into middle age, become haunted and tormented by a terrible, guilty secret dating back to their childhood in 1988. It's possible they wrongfully accused another boy as the killer of a young girl and permanent maiming of her stepsister. Their accusation led to the boy's arrest and suicide in jail. And the 'haunted' part of these woeful events might now have turned literal- is it a legendary tall tale wraith of their young nightmares that's making frightening appearances to them? Or is it actually that surviving stepsister who's come back to stalk them on some vengeful quest? To add to their increasing anxiety, one of their original group has been found brutally murdered.....by someone all too real.

     Author Matt Hilton skillfully turns up the mounting dread as the two parallel threats, (both supernatural and corporeal) head for a surprising, blood soaked collision. But don't expect to find anyone (other than the original victims) to sympathize with......the steady pile up of horror and death stays undiluted to the very end., with a final moment that's both satisfying, disturbing, and grotesquely sad at the same time.

     Here's one that you'd want to keep more than just the reading light on while it sucks you in.

      4 stars (****)

'THE PERFECT HOME'.....HOME RENOVATION REALITY SHOW DARLINGS TURN NOT-SO-DARLING.....FOR REAL.

 The Perfect Home by Daniel Kenitz (2025)

     The only thing less than perfect about "The Perfect Home" is the predictable inevitability of its climactic scene... Anyone who consumed mass quantities of 1990's movie suspense thrillers can see it coming from 20 miles away. But that didn't make it any less fun for me to read. and the book had me barreling through the pages all the way through.

     I started loving this story right away as it casts a knowing witty gaze at the blatant unreality of 'Reality TV'. Just about every suspicion you've ever had about such shows is confirmed here.....that the participants merely craft fake personas for the camera, that greed and hunger for attention fuels them, that the shows themselves are as fictitious as any scripted dramas, comedies and professional wrestling.

     Exhibit A - the Deckers, Wyatt and Dawn, America's home renovation sweethearts and stars of, what else....The Perfect Home.

     Wyatt's the dashing, smiling, happy hunk who thrives on audience love, high ratings, and millions of social media clicks. On the show, Dawn plays the role of practical, reserved helpmate who's not nearly as attractive as her effervescent husband. Off the show, she's shy and uncomfortable when forced into all the required public appearances their fame demands.

     But trouble in Paradise erupts. Dawn gives birth to twins, but only after Wyatt consumed overdoses of an illegal fertility drug to increase his sperm count. When Dawn discovers his addiction to the pills has turned Wyatt dangerously psychotic, she flees with the twins. As you'd already expect of him, Wyatt wages a clever vicious publicity war on his fugitive wife, painting Dawn as an unhinged, post-partum threat to their babies.. With the entire country now on the lookout for her and the twins, the odds couldn't possibly be more stacked against her.

     And that's where the real psychological tug-of-war (and all the nasty fun) begins as Wyatt and Dawn's competing stories vie for media attention.......all leading to an exciting wrap-up that we knew was on its way as sure as the sun shines in the morning. I realize that while 'The Perfect Home' is not the first thriller to skewer celebrity darlings, I found it by far the most fast paced, sharply written and entertaining of the bunch. Terrific beach read, but I'd advise don't even wait for the beach.

     4 stars (****)

THE GOLDEN GLOBES 2025......BIG LAUGHS, BIG CRINGES, AND BOOZED-FUELED CELEBS....WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?

 The Golden Globes Awards (2025)

       Three years ago, the rickety, corrupt-to-the-bone Hollywood Foreign Press Association, along with their ludicrous, laughable awards show, finally collapsed under the weight their incompetence and numerous scandals. 

        We sadly sighed. C'mon, who didn't love the Globes as a glorious Guilty Pleasure......with liquored-up celebs, untethered from the high tension of the Oscars, embarrassing themselves with awkward acceptance speeches. 

         The show crawled back on TV, a few years ago, but its ghastly choices for hosts (unfunny non-entity comedians) drained the entertainment value out of it. 

         Now we're thrilled to report, the Globes came back with a vengeance last night, energized by take-no-prisoners roast comic Nikki Glaser. 

          Glaser, in the best traditions of Ricky Gervais, unleashed a devastating riotous monologue on the A-Listers......and for a change of pace, they laughed right along with her...(as if they knew they had it comin'....)

         More indelible Globes moments followed. 

         Winner Zoe Saldana sobbed and blathered on as she'd just been handed the Nobel for curing cancer.  For the rest of the night, no other winner could match her in hysterical melodrama. 

         Vin Diesel poked a hello at arch-enemy Dwayne Johnson, who simply smiled back at him. Priceless.

         Kieran Culkin easily won the Best Drunk-As-A-Skunk acceptance speech. 

         Seth Rogan called out the Globes for their dumb idea of positioning the award presenters with their backs to the celebs. Then he and fellow presenter Catherine O'Hara recalled their Canadian days starring in purely imaginary North-of-the-Border disasters. 

         We could go on, but if you watched the show, you know the stuff we refer to.......if you skipped it, this one's worth streaming if you've got the time.

           Overall, this year's Globes got back to being everything we expect of this show.....

          Ridiculous, Sometimes touching, sometimes foolish, sometimes laugh out loud funny.  A fine way to gaze upon and mock Hollywood royalty on parade......

           BQ's happy to welcome back the Globes we all love and mock without mercy. So we'll raise a glass to 'em with 3 & 1/2 stars (***1/2).

          But, here's the thing......

          Nikki Glaser said it best.....that these ego-stuffed, overpaid preening performers could accomplish most anything.....except tell the country who they should vote for.....

            True enough.

           America thumbed their noses at these entitled, tuxedo'd, designer gown'd elites.... and all their wokeness, diversity and progressive agendas.....

            Then again, America also thumbed its collective nose at decency, morality, the rule of law and democracy....

            And now, we're all on the verge of paying dearly for it.

            But not the pretty people we saw on the Globes last night. 

            The celebs, with their salaries totaled in 1000's (and millions) of dollars will make it through the next four years just fine......(except the ones who get tossed into jail for rape....)

              But the unsettling question remains....will we??? 

                  

'THOSE FANTASTIC FLYING FOOLS'......THOSE NOT-SO-MAGNIFICENT MEN IN THEIR 'WILL IT FLY?' MACHINE.....

 Those Fantastic Flying Fools (a.k.a. Jules Verne's Rocket To The Moon/a.k.a. Blast Off!) (1967)   It must be fate that we came across yet another oddball shlocker from the relentless EuroTrash impresario Harry Alan Towers......when only yesterday we suffered through his 'House Of 1000 Dolls'...(see yesterday's post)

         Unlike 'Dolls', this one's highly watchable and actually kind of fun. It's populated with a who's who of beloved British comic actors and throws in Burl Ives, the ever luscious bombshell Daliah Lavi and the past-his-prime boy-toy Troy Donahue. 

        Taking his inspiration from Jules Verne (and using his screenwriting pen name Peter Welbeck), Towers slapped together a slapstick mash-up of "From The Earth To The Moon" and "Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines". 

          We don't remember H.A.T. thought of for his sense of humor or sparkling wit, so for the laughs, the film depends heavily on audience affection for Terry-Thomas, Lionel Jeffries and Dennis Price. Oh and let's not leave out Gert Frobe, once again doing the bombastic, blowhard buffoonery that served him so well in 'Flying Machines' (and would again a year later in 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang')

           We're back in Victorian England, where visiting P.T. Barnum (Ives) joins forces with Frobe to send a rocket to the moon. We won't drag you through the plot.....let's just say it involves lots of explosions, lots of collapsing structures and lots of hamming it up from Frobe and the British contingent. 

           Harry Alan Towers rounded up enough cash to at least make the film appear expensively mounted with bonus appearances by Hermoine Gingold, Graham Stark and that familiar stiff-upper-Brit, Alan Cuthbertson. 

            We didn't mind sitting through it once. Our only problem was its middling pace due to a full 2 hour running time (with a half hour sliced out of it, it could've made of itself a delightful little family film.

           Maybe we're too kind, but what the hell.....we loved watching this cast and it's our frickin' blog, after all. A nice little chunk of 1960's nostalgia....2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2).

'HOUSE OF 1000 DOLLS'.....LOW ENERGY EURO-CRAP

 House of 1000 Dolls (1967)    What a crushing disappointment.

        For pure guilty pleasures, BQ loves diving into a sludgy pool of EuroTrash.....dumb Bond imitations, funky bloody horror romps, fillled to the brim with half-naked starlets, blood soaked Giallos, weird, creepy German Krimis, multinational capers with multinational casts, Spaghetti westerns, Spaghetti street cime bloodbaths, sex slave  sleaze-fests, etc, etc, etc,.........

          Basically, all the stuff that constitutes Grindhouse heaven. 

           Imagine our delight when we found this one underneath a rock......

           So promising!  Acres of nubile sex slaves! Vincent Price! Exotic Tangier!  The nasty German guy from "Torn Curtain"!  A German-Spanish co-production!  And produced by the Maestro of EuroTrash Harry Alan Towers!

                Oh joy unconfined!  You had us at hello.

           And then goodbye........

           Price, incredibly subdued here and washed up Hollywood blonde Martha Hyer, respectively play an oily nightclub magician and his assistant. 

            But they bring in the big bucks by helping to run a sex-trafficked House of a 1000 Kidnapped Babes in Tangier. Neither of them profess to know 'The King Of Hearts', the outfit's mysterious, never seen owner. 

           Into the mix comes a tourist doctor, played by George Nader, another down-on-his-luck Hollywood B-lister who gravitated into EuroTrash for work. (And found plenty, as FBI guy Jerry Cotton in a bunch of West German thrillers)

             When Price and Hyer start bumping off people who might expose their flesh factory, Nader pokes his nose and lacquered hair into investigating their Big Dollhouse. But that doesn't sit well with Tangier's Top Cop (played by Wolfgang Kieling, whom we all well remember as the creepy thug famously murdered by Paul Newman in "Torn Curtain").

              We wish we could tell you that this turns out to be as much fun as it sounds. 

              Sorry.

              By the time they get around to revealing 'The King Of Hearts', we'd gone way past giving a flying eff...... 

               This junk stays in permanent low gear throughout its running time. Price looks like he's struggling to stay awake. Kieling, we're happy to report, comes off as vaguely threatening as ever, but neither he nor anybody else does much for this film. 

              Director Jeremy Summers, mostly a British TV hack, keeps this movie about alive as a low pulse coma patient on life support. He manages to make 95 minutes seem like a draggy 3 and a half hours. 

               We'll waste no more words.....

               Even devoted fans of EuroJunk (like us) should give this a complete hard pass. A worthless mess. Zero stars (0)

'THE GIRL GOES HOME'....THE FEARLESS EMILY CALBY TANGLES WITH A DYNASTY OF VILLAINS....

  The Girl Goes Home by Dorian Box (2025)

     Here's as honest as I can get. I think I've finally run out of adjectives to describe how much I love this series of books. Any thriller fan who wants genuine heart and soul mixed in with all the suspense and action......look no further. These books are a pure goldmine of page turning grippers that keep you up all night.

     Emily Calby, sole survivor of the home invasion slaughter of her mother and little sister, has been toughened by cruel fate to become a force to be reckoned with.......and a fierce avenger against those who harm others. And yet at the same time, she's an achingly hurting, troubled girl, even as she takes on evil while up against impossible odds. Fortunately, in the midst of her chaotic and dangerous coming-of-age, she acquired ex gang leader Lucas as her mentor-protector and at times, exasperated father-figure.

     Now a fledgling new lawyer starting her own practice, Emily's contacted by a fellow young attorney back in her original home of Dilfer County Georgia. He's found suspicious documentation concerning the adoption of her late father, who died in a tragic farm equipment accident. Or was it an accident after all?

     Emily's return to Dilfer County to get to the bottom of things runs her afoul of a powerful, corrupt family dynasty who control everything in the county including the courts and police. This repugnant, murderous clan think they have nothing to fear from a skinny little blonde girl. But as Emily continues her relentless hunt for the truth, they find out how terribly wrong they were to underestimate her.

     What's truly remarkable about all of Emily's perilous adventures is the expert way these books tug on your heart strings even as they're serving up the violent action. (You might practically tear up and/or smile warmly at Emily's first tentative steps at affection and love). I can only hope that author Box doesn't choose to end the series here.

       The five stars I'm giving "The Girl Goes Home" is only because the rating system here won't let me go any higher....(which I would in a heartbeat.) Highest recommendation.

      Oh, did I mention 5 stars? Here they are. (*****)

      (P. S.:  You can read this book, #4 of a series as a stand alone....but I guarantee you'll immediately want get your hands on the first three....)