'PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES'.....PLANET BAVA...WITH GHOULS 'N LAVA......

 Planet Of The Vampires (1965)    What?  Master surreal visualist Mario Bava goes to outer space?  Where do I sign up?

             Even if you tried to imagine a sci-fi horror movie from the Italian director of painterly dreamscapes drenched in primary colors, you couldn't come up with anything more weird than the actual film he created. 

              So let's hit the hyper-drive and zoom off to the ominous planet Aura......which already looks decked out for Halloween.....foggy, dark, multi-colored rock formations and bubbling pools of who the hell knows what......woo-hoo!

               Two spaceships filled with hardy explorers land.....and their crew's outfits match the planet perfectly - black leather complete with wrap-around high neck collars. (Those collars are a hoot....maybe a deterrent against vampire bites?)  This gang's decked out like they're on the hunt for a sado-masochistic leather bar....

                They're led by American B-movie toiler Barry Sullivan and a host of dubbed in Italian actors And they're all quickly shit out of luck as soon as they land, possessed by the planet's invisible parasitic residents. Deaths and fights-to-the-death regularly break out between the crew members retaining their human identities and the poor suckers zombie-fied by the...uh....Aur-ians? Auri-ites? Auri-ilians?  Whatever.......

                Along the way, they come across the giant skeleton of another unlucky voyager who landed eons ago. Hmm.....sound familiar?  No wonder it's hard to believe the screenwriters of "Alien" when  they claim they never laid eyes on this movie before writing their script.....even though Bava's massive alien corpse bears a passing resemblance to the "Alien" crew coming across the huge 'space jockey'. 

                But let's get back to Super Mario Bava,,,,,,shrouding the entire film with so much dread and gloom, you'll wonder why the human crew didn't kill themselves......if for no other reason than to avoid ever having to wear those sever leather collars. Imagine the chafing.....oh, the humanity. 

                With an ironic twist borrowed from at least two "Twilight Zone" episodes I remember, 'Planet Of The Vampires' neatly wraps up as a nasty little galactic excursion......and another perfect item to add to your October spooky-season watch list.  Blast off...and boo!  4 stars (****).

'HOLLY'....THE ONCE SHY P.I. VS. SENILE REPTILES

Holly by Stephen King (2023)    Authors can show no greater love for one of their supporting characters than to bestow upon them a book all their own.....

                 And so it is written that the mighty Stephen King gifted a thriller for of his most poignant, vulnerable but stalwart heroines......

                  Who else could I be speaking of but Holly Gibney,  the formerly shy, forlorn, put-upon recluse of "Mr. Mercedes", "Finders Keeper", and "The Outsider".

                  To the delight of all us constant King readers, we're watched Holly come way out of her shell, discovering the bravery, determination and core of steel that was within her all along.  But quite a harrowing journey for her to get there......as the unlikely partner of investigator Bill Hodges, she faced down some of King's most other-worldly,  monstrous creations who took the shape of human beings. 

                   Now operating her own detective agency, she's enlisted by a distraught mom whose college student daughter mysteriously went missing. And Holly quickly discovers the girl's dropping out of sight resembles a slew of similar disappearances in the same general campus area......

                   You should know at this point that author King offers no big surprises or sudden twists and turns here. So don't expect any..... 

                  Our Uncle Stevie lays out exactly what's going on.......starting with the book's resident monsters, who in this case, are all too flesh-and-blood human.  They're the frail, harmless, octogenarian college professors Rodney and Emily Harris.   

                  Yes, indeedy.....those ancient geriatric Harrises, afflicted with a host of aged ills, have managed to snatch victims off the street and commit.....

                  Okay, I'll  follow standard review protocol and not reveal what the demented evil Profs do with their captives, but if you're a Stephen King reader, you'll easily guess what those creepy old ghouls are up to long before King reveals the ghastly, gruesome-beyond-description details.....

                 As Holly embarks on her painstaking, methodical investigation, you'll also have no trouble imagining the ultimate showdown when she finally makes her way to the Harrises. You could practically write the finale yourself, but leave it to King to rub your nerves raw with fear for Holly's safety and somehow drive you up the wall with suspense.......while delivering the richly satisfying finish you knew was coming. 

                 The author's enduring affection for Holly shows in every page, as well as his genuine heartfelt empathy for the hapless victims and the friends and families they leave behind. 

                 And while I'm thinking about it, here's a few words for some other reader-reviewers who carped about King inserting his views of current events into the book, which includes his utter disgust of Donald Trump......

                 Maybe you folks need to check out a few more of the author's earlier books.......you know, the ones that feature malignant authoritarians who seduce people into becoming mindless minions.  You'll discover there's hardly an iota of difference between "The Stand"s Randall Flagg,  "The Dead Zone"s Greg Stillson and the pathetic Orange wanna-be fascist still drooling about turning America into his own Third World Kingdom. 

                 As for "Holly".....maybe it won't stack up with the classic King chillers, but it's still a solid, thrilling and emotional 4 stars (****),,,,Happy Halloween......

'ASTEROID CITY'.....SOUTH BY SOUTH-WES.....

Asteroid City (2023)     Some breaking bad news for the oh-so twee filmmaking satirists of Twitter and Tik Tok....the makers of those deadpan parodies of Wes Anderson movies........(as in "Wes Anderson's 'Lord Of The Rings', etc, etc...)

               Sorry, folks.....you will never make an imitation Wes Anderson spoof any better or more accurate  than "Asteroid City"........cause Wes beat you to it by directing this one himself.  It's the ultimate Wes Anderson knockoff.....the most Wes-iest of his tinker-toy, live action,  full color picture book cartoons.

               I'm not sure there'd be any real difference, other than the cost, between sitting through this film  or opting to browse through the inevitable $80.00 coffee table book "The Art Of Asteroid City" .....(which I can only assume will hit the Barnes & Noble racks in time for Christmas.....)

              Both will feature gorgeous color photography of the title town, a tiny 1955 food-gas-lodging  pitstop sitting in the middle of the American Southwest desert. 

              Both will feature a large cast of well-known actors posed with fussy detail amid this picture postcard setting, In both film and book, they'll look as precisely arranged as the mannequins of prehistoric families in the Museum Of Natural Science dioramas......

              Except in the film, the actors will move around a bit. But not much. Most of the movement will come from Anderson's camera, relentlessly tracking sideways back and forth from the same fixed distance. 

              In the film, though, you will hear them rapidly spit out that dry, obtuse Anderson-ese dialogue. And delivered in the same sing-song, robotic flatness of actors playing emotionless aliens in 1950's sci-fi movies.  Some of it might sound vaguely witty, but never hold your breath waiting for Anderson to let you in on the joke........

             Now I suppose I'm expected to tell you what the movie's about......or what I think it's about.

            Beats me. But here's what unfolds.....

            Since we're in the mid 1950's, the framing device sends us into a black and white artsy-fartsy "backstage" TV show. (A very clever send-up of CBS's typical Sunday morning programming). It's all about the writing, casting and performing of the play "Asteroid City", as put together by high strung, tempermental New York artistes.

             From there, we see the play as if performed in the actual Asteroid City, filmed in ripely widescreen dazzling Technicolor pastels.  (I'm unsure whether it's a movie version of the play or a representation of the play as imagined in the mind of its playwright.  Feel free to hash that out amongst yourselves......)

              I won't deny that the film tosses in a few individually enjoyable moments. Anderson loads it up with subtle chuckles as he skewers the collision of staid American values with the onslaught of super-science......nuclear war, rockets into space and the possibility of alien invasion. 

             But those moments are few and far between. The rest of film's as remote and flat as the cardboard mountains surrounding Asteroid City.  Wes Anderson has so solidified his devotion to stylized tableau filmmaking, he's cut himself off from all but his most devoted admirers. 

            For the rest o us, "Asteroid City" seems more like something that should hang in an art gallery rather than projected on a screen. Admired......but never involved in.

             Since he's now made the ultimate frozen-in-amber Wes Anderson movie, where could he go from here?  We'll all stay tuned.....2 stars (**)>

             

               

                

'NO ONE WILL SAVE YOU'.....A CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE MOST UNKIND......

 No One Will Save You (2023)     Never been a huge fan of films that hinge on a technical or stylistic gimmick.....

                Even Hitchcock regretted "Rope", his bizarre thriller shot in sustained 10 minute chucks and cleverly edited to look as if the entire 90 minutes was filmed that way......

                That category would normally also cover movies kept deliberately silent, devoid of spoken dialogue.  But wait! you say.......wouldn't that force a director into creating a purely cinematic experience, to tell a story in visual imagery only?

                 True that.......and I'm happy to say, writer-director Brian Duffield not only pulls it off, but knocks this one out of the park.

                No dialogue, but plenty of that pure cinema that Hitchcock always professed to hold dear (and didn't achieve as often as he liked.....)

                 I distinctly remember that Steven Spielberg contemplated an alien film like this before presenting us with the wise benevolent outer space visitors of "Close Encounters Of The First Kind" and "E.T.".  He toyed with the concept of an all out alien home invasion inside a family's home......(kind of like "Poltergeist", except with little green men instead of pale, transparent spirits. )

                 Well, here we have Brynn,  a painfully lonely, shy young woman (Kaitlyn Dever, giving an absolute bravura turn) living a solitary life in her late mother's big country house in the woods........

                In precise telling scenes, we see she's a pariah in her small community, shunned, ignored and despised by the townsfolk.......especially the Chief Of Police and his wife.  But why? That reveal comes much later and figures into the rather amazing finale......

                Brynn's got even worse problems to contend with.......when one night, a spindly. almond-eyed alien breaks into her house.  No fuzzy, wuzzy cutesy-wootsy E.T. this nasty creature does not hold Brynn's best interests at heart. Terrified to the max, Brynn's forced to play hide and seek with the beast, who's armed with 'Carrie's telekinetic powers and a hot temper besides.

                And the thrill ride's only just getting started, as bigger and badder aliens lay siege to the house along with some hapless humans converted into zombie-fied minions by parasitic aliens shoved down their throats. 

                By nature of the storyline, Kaitlyn Dever's a one woman show here (an opportunity rarely awarded to young actresses) and wow, does she ever make the most of it.  She definitely gave BQ a case of Dever Fever and we've no intention of missing anything she does from now on. 

               The very best part of his film is yet to come though.....in an ending I'd defy anyone to predict ahead of time. 

                Writer-director Duffield, wary of ending his film with the all too typical, but inevitable, grim finale of current horror films opts for an unusually startling wrap-up......downbeat, yet strangely upbeat, sad, but oddly satisfying.......a Rod Serling 'Twilight Zone' worthy zinger, somewhere between a warm hug and slap in the face. 

               With the Halloween movie season only days away, here's a nice little imaginative scare-fest to kick off the festivities.....BQ says save "No One Will Save You" for an upcoming chilly night. And all hail our newest fave, Kaitlyn Dever.....4 stars (****).

                

                  

'A HAUNTING IN VENICE' & 'HALLOWE'EN PARTY'.....BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE MOVIE'S BETTER.......

           Now here's something BQ rarely encounters.......a movie that manages to greatly improve upon and surpass the book it's based on. 

             No surprise to see why.......director-star Kenneth Branagh and his screenwriter Michael Green extracted only a few story elements from Agatha Christie's 1969 Hercule Poirot mystery 'Hallowe'en Party'.

            Both films feature a Halloween party, a pivotal apple-bobbing scene. a child's tragic, suspicious death. and the character of Ariadne Oliver, a mystery writer who lures Poirot into taking on a baffling new case.   Beyond that, the book and film look they come from separate planets.....

Hallowe'en Party (1969)

           Let's start with the creaky, old fashioned whodunit, with Hercule Poirot summoned by his old friend Ariadne to figure out who killed an obnoxious 13 year old girl. At a Halloween party filled with uppercrust mansion residents and their assorted spawn, somebody jammed the kid's face into the apple bobbin' barrel, drowning her. 

            Wow, what a party pooper this murderer is......and as Poirot interrogates the usual suspects, he comes to realize the dead girl maybe wasn't the first victim and most assuredly not the last. 

            The consensus at the time of book's release, which I agree with, judged it as by-the-numbers, connect-the-dots Christie, reading like she phoned it in while chatting at a tea party.  (With writing the book only slightly distracting her....)

            It had been some time since I sat down and cracked open a Christie and I quickly remembered why,.......cardboard characters barely sketched out and moved around like chess pieces to fit Dame Agatha's master plan. And never much emotion or interest in who lives or who dies.....either from the author or her characters. 

            "Hallowe'en Party' does rack up a rather high body count before Hercule cracks the case but Christie displays her overall indifference with the book's abrupt, unsatisfying conclusion.......she doesn't ever bother throwing the sight of the sputtering murderer yelling, "How dare you, accuse me of such an odious crime,  you annoying little foreigner!"

            But I did chuckle to myself at the author's depiction of children.....who are either ethereal wood sprites straight out of Never Never Land or horrid little beasts whom you hope will one day drown in Willy Wonka's chocolate river if Christie doesn't kill them off first. 

            It's a Halloween party strictly for fervent Agatha addicts only 1 & 1/2 stars (* 1/2)  So now let us bid ta-ta to the cozy drawing rooms of Britain and head for murky, spooky watery byways of Venice.....     

A Haunting In Venice (2023)    I'm thinking Kenneth Branagh didn't much care for the book any more than I did......

          Which would explain why his third sumptuous Hercule Poirot film is by far the most entertaining, even as it veers as far away from its source material as can possibly get. 

          Set in 1947 Venice, the film thankfully doesn't  present the city with blatant, sundrenched CGI prettiness.  Quite the opposite, in fact. This looks more like the grim, vaguely scary Venice of "Don't Look Now", where death and horror lurk around every canal and down deep in the the lagoon. 

           More than ever, Branagh's Poirot assumes the gravitas of a weary soul who's witnessed too much of the worst of humanity. But in the middle of his reclusive retirement, whodunit author Ariadne (now changed to American wisecracker Tina Fey) drags  him off to a kids Halloween party at an extremely haunted Palazzo. 

           The Palazzo's ghostly history is both gruesome and tragic, a vast forbidding place apparently teeming with the spirits of plague ridden children. The ghost lineup includes the child of its latest occupant, a wealthy widow (Kelly Reilly) and former movie star.  She's hired a fake medium (Michelle Yeoh) to commune with the kid, who tumbled out of a window into the canal. 

          Which begs the question, did those child apparitions bedevil the girl enough to entice her into joining them? Hmmmm.........

            Branagh takes a bold, genre-bending left turn into all out jump-scares here, breathing some frightening fresh air into the usual array of suspects, some of whom suffer shocking deaths at the hands of......somebody human? Something supernatural?    (.....heh, he, heh, well that's for you and Poirot to find out, isn't it? Which of you can beat him to the solution faster, eh?)

           The film gives its talented cast plenty of dark subtext to chew on, with their characters still struggling with  still fresh memories of the torments they experienced in World War 2. So much of the haunting that transpires comes as much from real life horrors as it does from otherworldly threats. 

            And here's what impressed me the most......the film's clever balancing of all the traditional Agatha Christie tropes with that sense of  overpowering dread that you'd expect from any worthy horror film. Mystery mavens can revel in the climactic stunning reveals, while those who love a good scare won't come away disappointed either. 

           Looking to put yourself in the mood for the upcoming Halloween season?  Here's the first treat to drop into your big bag 'o candy......4 stars (****).  Happy Halloween.....and Boo!

                       

            

'THE TRAITOR'....A FEARLESS YOUNG SPY BACK IN ACTION......

 The Traitor by Ava Glass (2023) 

               While we're all waiting an eternity for the next James Bond movie, I'd highly recommend "The Traitor" as the next best thing. Fast paced, effectively twisty and filled with some genuine moments of harrowing action and nail biting suspense, it's the new mission assigned to young British spy Emma Makepeace.

                 Even more so than her bosses, Emma's especially dedicated to rooting out and thwarting nefarious Russian operatives. She and her mother escaped Russia, but not her father, who died at the hands of Moscow secret police. So when a fellow MI6 spy's found brutally murdered,, she's put on the hunt for the prime suspects - a couple of fabulously wealthy Russian oligarchs.

                This new mission puts Emma undercover right in the lion's den......posing as a replacement crew member on a spectacular sumptuous yacht in the south of France....owned, of course by one those two oligarchs. Utterly fearless and determined to uncover the Russians' malignant doings, Emma's placed herself in no end of danger. If her identity's discovered, the oligarch and his ominous thuggish minion will most likely make her disappear without a trace. And the thug already views her with deep suspicion. 

                To go into any more detail would totally spoil all the adrenalin-filled fun of reading a spy adventure like this one. I will say that you'll find yourself cringing with fear for Emma as she takes one near lethal risk after another.....and then finds herself coping with yet another perilous threat she never counted on.

                Having thoroughly enjoyed 'Alias Emma' the first book in this series, I couldn't wait for a new one. And 'The Traitor' did not disappoint in any way. For all of us armchair secret agents, it's a pure escapist read of the best kind.  5 stars (*****)

'IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS' & 'EVIL DEAD' (2013).......THE HORROR....THE HORROR......

            The best way to spend a lazy, rainy Sunday afternoon.......find two old horror movies that somehow you never got around to viewing and watch 'em back to back.....

              I've no rational explanation why it took me all these years to catch up with these films.....(especially since this first one came while I was busy buying video store inventory......so let's just dive in.

In The Mouth Of Madness (1994) serves as  loving tribute to the forever legendary Cthulu mythology created by horror novelist H.P. Lovecraft.....as well as its own perceptive take on the ability to fictioneers to bend bend reality to their will....(and subtly seduce their readers in the process...)    

            Director John Carpenter wastes no time getting the horror out of the gate, armed with a script by Michael DeLuca (way more famous as a mega-producer than a writer).  Insurance investigator Trent ( Sam Neill, giving it all he's got) shows up at the loony bin, reduced to a babbling madman. 

              Or is he?

              We see his backstory unfold in flashback, when he's tasked by a worried book publisher (Charlton Heston) to track down his best selling author Sutter Cane (the reliably creepy Jergen Prochnow). Cane's a Lovecraft-ian sensation, whose grisly horror novels not only sell in the millions, but they're starting to turn his readers into homicidal maniacs.  

              Deducing that Cane's book covers reveal a map to the author's mysterious 'Hobbs End' fictional town, off Trent goes with Cane's editor Linda Styles (Julie Cameron)in search of the place.....(and yes, horror trivia fans, they lifted 'Hobbs End' from Hammer's 'Quatermass And The Pit' a.k.a. 'Five Million Years To Earth')

             From that point on, reality and illusion (or delusion) bend in every single direction, as Trent and Linda are subjected to countless frights, violent encounters and ghastly sights of Cthulu-like monsters who populate Hobbs End. 

              Or do they?

             Carpenter and DeLuca really sweat bullets to scare you, but the overall effect becomes more like a carnival funhouse ride that whips you around while you flinch at the pop-up skeletons.  Which makes it, dare I say.....more of a pure fun experience than a frightful one.  

             But I can't say I didn't have fun watching it.....3 stars (***).

Evil Dead (2013).....from that title, delivers exactly what it promises.....a take-no-prisoners, gore-soaked, extravagant remake of director Sam Raimi's iconic 1981 The Evil Dead....yes indeed, the bone crushing bloodbath that became a trilogy ("Evil Dead 2", "Army Of Darkness") featuring the ultimate cult hero Bruce Campbell as monster-killer extraordinaire 'Ash'.

               And once again, it's about five unlucky young folks chillin' out in a cabin in the woods. That is, until one of 'em finds a book of ancient spells and wakes up a screamin' demon who possesses  them into eyeball poppin', gut rippin' loony toons. 

               And that's all you need to know. You simply sit back, dig into that tub 'o buttered popcorn and watch assorted chopped off limbs go bye-bye while blood and assorted eviscerated organs splatter the walls as if pumped from a firehouse. In short, a gorehound's Shangra-La......

               Again, I had the same reaction I experienced with the Carpenter film. Not scared at all, but gleefully entertained.   In both films, all the horrors are thrown at you with such frenzied abandon, I could only shake my head and smile at their sheer enthusiasm. It felt like the kid who operates the control level on the funhouse cars, forgot I was still there and sent me through again.......

             Special kudos to Jane Levy as the principal victim of the monstrous transformations......I truly couldn't believe this was the same cutie-pie star of the beloved musical series "Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist".....this kid looked like Bruce Campbell must've personally trained her to wield a chainsaw. 

             And with this other  3 star (***) goodie, thus ended my lazy, rainy......and gloriously gory Sunday afternoon......

'ONE PIECE'.....IS THIS THE BEST ANIME PIRATE STUFF EVER?..........ANI-MAYBE.....

 One Piece (2023 Netflix series)    Honest admission......when it comes to anime, I'm merely a casual drop-in-once-and-awhile sampler......

           To borrow that worn out expression people use about their attitude toward art in general......I don't know anime but I know what I like......

           And as for this one, a fairly spectacular live action Netflix version of a popular anime.....I like it. I like it a lot. I like it whole bunches......

           How's that for a brilliantly thought out critical analysis?

           I'm being deliberately simple and primal about this because I think that's the very best way to enjoy "One Piece". Don't think, don't analyze. Just lose yourself in the NeverNeverLand, tall tale. fantastical  mythology of it all.......let it wash over you like an incoming wave that knocks you right off your feet. 

          If you're new to 'One Piece', or never heard of it, think of it as all the "Pirates Of The Caribbean" movies cranked up to way past 10 on the dial.....closer to 850.....

         To start out with, the world building premise is outrageously clever.......imagining an entire universe that's a slightly modernized version of the 16th century Caribbean........a world government trying to impose the rule of law across oceans populated with giant sea monsters and equally fanciful pirates. (Some of whom are inhuman in their cruelty, or even downright actual non-human altogether.)

          I'll not take up a lot of verbiage with usual blah-blah-blah about the cast of characters and actors involved........except to say they're a superb collection of perfectly cast charismatic and gifted young actors. 

          These kids tear into these roles like they're well aware they've been handed one hell of a golden opportunity.......and they make the most of it while taking as much fun out of their performances as we get from  watching them. 

         Everything that's become exhausted and tiresome in Marvel and DC comic book movies is given a massive fresh injection of  adrenalin and creativity......especially the smackdowns between our plucky, outnumbered and outmatched heroes and a constant array of bizarre, monstrous (and at times hilarious) rival pirates. 

            Nothing more to say......BQ says set sail.....had a real blast with this one and left me panting and drooling for a newly announced Season 2 on the way. Can't happen soon enough 5 stars (*****)

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP......SPECIAL "IF I TAKE THEM, THEY'RE NOT CLASSIFIED" EDITION.....

 

GOP presses on with impeaching Biden even without a single shred of hard evidence against him....at a recent press conference, Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene announce they possess eyewitness testimony that  Biden jaywalked across a Rehoboth Beach street while on a recent vacation..."And we'll settle for nothing less than the death penalty...and possibly live public hanging of Hunter Biden"

Trump continues to brag he's allowed to keep top secret documents and manages to dig a deeper hole for himself and his indictments during a Megyn Kelly interview....Law firms  representing Trump announce they're issuing portable defibrillators to all attorneys defending him, especially while they watch the ex President's public interviews. In Washington, special consul Jack Smith assures Attorney General Merrick Garland that he and his staff use their own money for bottles of champagne and tubs of buttered popcorn as they view Trump's hilarious explanations........

'PAPER LION', 'SEMI-TOUGH', 'NORTH DALLS FORTY'.....A PUNT, A FIELD GOAL AND A TOUCHDOWN.....

                 Grab your beer, pretzels, chips 'n dip......BQ hit the gridiron to sample three very different films about America's favorite bone-crunching, head bashing pastime.........

                  As the song goes......are you ready for some football?

Paper Lion  (1968) seems a logical place start.....an ever-so-slight comedy based on one of  the 'living my sports dream'  exploits of patrician journalist and part time actor George Plimpton. 

                  Plimpton found a surefire attention getting crowd pleaser for his articles and books.......attempting to play in professional sports (boxing, golf, baseball, etc.) with real professional athletes, searching for insights into the sports he infiltrated, as well as his own motives for these foolhardy excursions.

                 'Paper Lion' recounted Plimpton's  brief but memorable time posing as a rookie quarterback for the Detroit Lions. Naturally, the tall skinny writer with spaghetti arms and legs fails in all sorts of spectacularly painful ways........and the coaches and players (all played by the real Lions coaches and players have no trouble spotting him as a poseur phony-baloney dilettante.

                Alan Alda, then a young stage actor, made of most of his casting as Plimpton, bringing the same kind of goofy earnest energy he later used as the star of the beloved "M.A.S.H' Tv series.  Thankfully, he made no attempt to duplicate Plimpton's well known semi-British accent.  

                 The use of the actual footballers did give 'Paper Lion'  a semi-documentary atmosphere, but at the end of the day, the film's goals were limited to easy laughs displaying Plimpton's humiliation and embarrassment as he valiantly presses on.  And Laurence Roman's simple basic script offered no insights into Plimpton himself........giving Alda nothing to work with other than his skill at physical gags. 

                 Mildly amusing at best, in football terminology, a minor punt with little chance to score....but for the game, likable Alda,, I'll signal at least  2 & 1/2 stars (** 1/2)

Semi-Tough (1977) arrived 11 years later, based on a best-selling, raucous comic novel by sportswriter Dan Jenkins. While the book mainly offered up a good natured rollicking, rambling pile-up of funny incidents, the people in charge of the film held loftier goals......

               Director Michael Ritchie had already carved out a reputation for American social satire ("The Candidate", "Prime Cut", "Smile", "The Bad News Bears"), and Walter Bernstein's script jettisoned most of Jenkins' novel to concentrate on lampooning self-help guru Werner Erhard's 'Est' seminars. 

              What's still left from the book (sort of) is the lifelong romantic triangle between two pro NFL players (Burt Reynolds, Kris Kristofferson) the freewheeling daughter of their team's owner (Jill Clayburgh).

              Reynolds was at the very height of his stardom as cinema's smirking stud, barely containing his giggles at his own deadpan wit.  When Kristofferson, his ever laid-back mellow teammate proposes marriage to Clayburgh, Reynolds, who's nursed his own lifelong crush on her, slyly plots to destroy the nuptials. 

             Somehow this all involves a lengthy sendup of the ludicrous Erhard training sessions, with Bert Convy expertly enacting the guru as nothing but a self-aggrandizing snake oil grifter.  (If that sounds like too severe a description, then why does the movie take such great satisfaction in seeing Convy take a knockout punch during a finale slapstick brawl?)

            While the faux-Erhard sequence drags on way too long, the film scores way more laughs with its other trendy target - the pseudo chiropractic torture fad of "rolfing". Here dubbed 'delfing', we watch Reynolds submit to agonizing physical therapy from Dr. Delf herself (Lotte Lenya)  Maybe what I found funniest was the sight of Lenya delivering far more pain to Burt Reynolds than she ever got a chance to against Sean Connery in "From Russian With Love".....

            Oh right....the football stuff itself?  Pitched at farce level, it generates only some moderate silliness......with Brian Dennehy as a barely human Neanderthal player who literally manhandles women like a little boy abusing Barbie dolls and Ron Silver as Russian place kickers who glowers like he's a KGB spy. 

             And the rom-com 'triangle'?  Pathetic indeed, with the bland Clayburgh fatally miscast as a supposed Texas wild child firecracker who outrages her team-owning daddy (Robert Preston) by shacking up with Reynolds and Kristofferson. Not that she ever displays a smidgen of chemistry with either of them.....

              A few sporadic laughs here and there, but 'Semi-Tough', struggling for a touchdown, never manages anything better than a 2 & 1/2 star (**1/2) field goal..

North Dallas Forty (1979)   It's fitting that the 3rd football film of this post shows up to finish out the 1970's.....

               Because it thoroughly belongs among the quintessential films that made that decade famous and one that we now all sorely miss.........angry, raw, unafraid to offend anyone, at times viciously funny and a raging middle finger to corporate bigwigs and all other figures of authority. 

               No good ole boys, just horsin' around comedy here...... based on a novel by former Dallas Cowboy wide receiver Peter Gent it's a ripped-from-the-headlines, toxic expose of everything rotten corrupt and physically lethal in professional football........ particularly the sport's warping of the American obsession with winning at all costs. 

              Gent's fictionalized version of himself is the horribly bruised and battered receiver Phil Elliot (played to perfection by Nick Nolte). Phil bristles with disgust at what he views as false camaraderie imposed on the team by its stern, unforgiving coach (G.D. Spradlin) and the team's billionaire owner. (Steve Forrest).

                Phil's wracked with constant pain he vainly tries keeping at bay with vast amounts of illegal drugs (some of which the team doctor dispenses and rest Phil steals out of the team's pharmaceutical supply.). But more than the drugs, what truly keeps him going is his unyielding belief in the purity and innocence of his gifted, ball-catching hands.   Never much of a get-along guy or team player, Phil lives only for those fleeting moments on the field when he can revel in the excellence of his own skills. 

                Unlike his best bud teammate (Mac Davis) who's only rambunctious up to a point, Phil's on a collision course with the team's powers-that-be, who prize blind loyalty and strict adherence to their code of conduct above all else.  He's rebel who's cause is only himself and you can sense his quest to function under his own worldview is doomed from the start. 

                And yet I don't want to make any of this sound overly depressive.....in its furious, unflinching takedown of pro football, the film frequently erupts into some wildly outrageous laugh out loud sequences......(especially in the locker room prior to the start of the Super Bowl, as Forrest, Spradlin and Charles Durning as a sycophantic assistant coach attempt a victory rally, complete with a priest's hapless attempt to bless the team, most of whom know bullshit when they hear it. 

                (And there's sure as hell a big difference between Brian Dennehy's more comic "Semi-Tough" goon and  this film's version of the hulking Neanderthal lineman, played here for both scares and laughs by Bo Svenson.)

               As in many other anti-establishment 1970's movies, "North Dallas Forty" stays true to the cinematic era that spawned it......as Nolte's given one last defining (but ultimately futile) opportunity for a finale cathartic rage against all the accumulated power structures allied against him.  And as far as BQ's concerned that makes the film, far more than the previous two, a 4 star (****) touchdown.  This is one not to miss.

              

                    

                  

'MAN ON FIRE' & 'THE EQUALIZER 3'....THE DYNAMIC DUO....DENZEL AND DAKOTA.....

Man On Fire (2004) - The Equalizer 3 (2023)

            A true brilliant stroke of casting brought together two of cinema's most gifted talents.....Denzel Washington and the A-List child actress of the era, 10 year old Dakota Fanning. 

            The result? Pure gold. How could audiences resist such a crowd pleaser that cleverly cut across multiple demographics. The film offered up ultra-violent action-adventure as only one of the genre's premiere specialists Tony Scott could deliver....also, some serious, reflective drama for Washington and the supporting cast to sink their teeth into. 

             But most of all, there was the heart-melting story of a damaged man at the end of his rope,  rediscovering his long gone humanity while serving as the unlikely protector of a little girl. (The basic template of such a story is nothing new - it's been reducing audiences to blubbery tears since Shirley Temple thawed out her grumpy grandfather Jean Hersholt in 1937's "Heidi")

             As burned out, alcoholic, black-ops mercenary John Creasey, Washington's given a last-chance gig from old friend Rayburn (Christopher Walken),....bodyguarding precocious Lupita Ramos (Fanning).  She's the daughter of a struggling young corporate wheeler-dealer (Marc Anthony) and his American wife (Rahda Mitchell). Living in Mexico City, they're under the constant threat of brutal kidnappings that infect the city like a virus.  

              The first hour of this 2 & 1/2 hour film completely enthralls you as watch the impossibly adorable Lupita gradually turn the near suicidal Creasey into a loving mentor, teacher and practically a surrogate parent. 

              And then the city's infamous  kidnappers strike in broad daylight (and in league with corrupt Mexican cops)......leaving Creasy riddled with bullets and Lupita held for ransom.  After a ransom payment attempt goes south and Lupita's presumed dead, the now recovered, enraged Creasey regains his assassin-mercenary skills. And he proceeds to unleash  Old Testament eye-for-an-eye revenge on every scumbag involved in the kidnapping, even the untouchable criminal cops. 

               But constantly interrupting the flow of the story comes director Tony Scott's usual bag of  trademark visuals......sequences shot with yellow filters and chopped into smithereens in the editing....looking like poorly stitched together, random pieces of film that Scott pissed on after a downing  couple of six-packs. 

              I guess Scott's reliance on those effects was meant to add a frenzied immediacy to the proceedings, but after 146 minutes of it, it becomes nothing more than an affected, intrusive annoyance....

              As the film lurches in and out of these jagged chunks, I could only wonder if Scott realized he already had the film's two best special effects right in front of him.....Washington and Fanning. Their scenes together easily out-shine and out-dazzle any of the director's "Look at me! Look at me!" camerawork. And for that dynamic duo's most compelling work together.....3 & 1/2 stars (***1/2)

              Now imagine everyone's excitement at the news of Denzel Washington being reunited 19 years later with his "Man On Fire" co-star Dakota Fanning. Even more exciting news -  the film bringing them back together would be "The Equalizer 3", with Washington once again as Robert McCall, the mysterious, wandering operative who evens the odds for defenseless victims tormented by thugs, gangs and assorted bullies.  

               But what a letdown, after seeing the results.......

               Unlike the major part that 10 year old Fanning enjoyed in 'Man On Fire', the 'Equalizer' filmmakers, squandered a golden opportunity for a grand reunion with her original co-star.  The new film consigns her to a worthless, non-descript throwaway supporting role......a part that any of over a thousand less talented young actresses could have taken. 

               It's frustrating and downright stupid to watch Fanning's immeasurable talent, equal to Washington's, wasted like this. She's reduced to playing a CIA operative sucked into the story and then abruptly sidelined even further until the final scenes.  Makes me nostalgic for days of the old Hollywood moguls......they would've commanded screenwriters to create an indelible character for the adult Fanning and fashion some crackling byplay and dialogue for her reunion with one her best co-stars ever,   Don't look for anything like that here......a damn shame, if you ask me.

               For Denzel Washington's 'Equalizer' fans, everything's in place for another epic McCall smackdown,  relocating him to a small coastal village in Italy. Setting into what he thinks of as a relaxed, sedate retirement, it doesn't take long for McCall to notice the villagers terrorized and extorted by a vicious local Mafia chapter and their repulsive minions.  And engulfing the village to turn it into an Italian Vegas is only a small part of the gang's agenda, which also includes arming international terrorists......

                But we just know that our guy 'Roberto', who luckily ended up in the town to recover from a rare, near fatal error of judgement won't sit still for this evil.... since after two previous movies, we're all well aware that when people he's befriended fall victim to vicious hoods, it's equalizin' time with a vengeance and major pain will rain down on the bad guys. 

                I wish I could promise you that number three of this series delivers a line up of thrills 'n kills as satisfying as the first two, but sorry.....not really. McCall's expected wrap-up slaughter seems rushed, unimaginative in execution and perfunctory, as if the film just wants to get it over with.  So don't expect anything close to the the first film's memorable finale, which featured McCall's brutal, urgent showdown with the Russian mob.

               Having pointed out all of "Equalizer 3"s deficiencies, allow me to throw in some positives. As always, Denzel Washington is pure pleasure to watch, even in a film that doesn't quite come up to his level of excellence. Originally embodied by stalwart British character actor Edward Woodward in a TV series, Washington makes his Robert McCall uniquely his own......worldly wise, attuned to everything and everyone around him, armed with an unshakable sense of justice......and most importantly for us, possessed of lethal skills to dispense it without mercy.  

               But unlike Woodward's staunchly serious modern day knight, Washington indulges himself in devilish fun at his enemies ' expense.  He's not above entertaining himself by toying with the miserable miscreants whom he'll soon send on their way to hell.  And for us.....amid theaters clogged with DC-Marvel comic book sludge and low grade horror movies, the Equalizer's exploits still mean a good time at the movies....2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2)