Resident Evil: Welcome To Raccoon City (2021) Here's an eternal mystery that we've never, ever been able to figure out.......
Why do movies based on video games exist?
There are three things in life you can depend on.......death, taxes and the fundamental truth that any movie version of a video game will suck to infinity and beyond......
And yet, like cockroaches, there's nothing that can exterminate them......which means even after a nuclear apocalypse, the first movie director who crawls out of the rubble with a camera in hand will make another 'Resident Evil' movie......
Here's what tickled us.....that gamers generally loathed and despised the never ending series of 'Resident Evil' movies concocted by director Paul W. S. Anderson and his tireless wife and leading star, Milla Jovovich.
Gameboys and Gamegirls evidently didn't take kindly to the liberties taken by the Anderson-Jovovich dynamic duo.....
Way back in our video store movie buyer days, we had to view them as a routine part of our job. Couldn't remember a single moment from any of them......even as we watched them. But the one element that always did strike us funny was the ludicrous machinations of the franchise's evil "Umbrella Corporation".
Umbrella's nefarious master plans usually ended up touching off a catastrophic disaster that left major portions of its 'Raccoon City' population either dead or zombie-fied mutants.....
We often wondered how the company's executive board explained all this at the stockholders' meetings......("Sorry folks, but we've done it again......and we do realize that zombie-fying the city doesn't do much for this latest fiscal quarter"......)
Now along comes writer-director Johannes Roberts (of the trim and scary "47 Meters Down") to rectify all the perceived blasphemies perpetrated on "Resident Evil" by Anderson and Jovovich. His mission here : to stay true and faithful to the game itself and all the tropes that that make gamers' controller-stick fingers itch with anticipation.
Okey doke. Sure thing. Whatever. Having never played a video game in our life, we'll assume that goal's been achieved.........
What goal, you ask? Uh.....well.....to absolutely nobody's surprise, what's left of Raccoon City and it populace is rapidly zombie-fying. Again. (We didn't know there was anyone left in town who wasn't a drooling, gibbering ghoul....) And these stiffs need some serious beatdowns and double-taps in the head with heavy caliber firearms.
All of this carnage we've no doubt will lead to another deeply awkward Umbrella Corp. stockholders meeting.....if only in our amused imagination.
That's enough. We can't go on. Time to cease and desist with this review.....we started to feel the precious minutes piling up, realizing life is way too short to spend discussing a worthless glob of excrement like this movie.
Surprise surprise. Zero stars. (0)
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