Monday, February 28, 2022

'NIGHTMARE ALLEY'......DEL TORO'S COFFEE TABLE NOIR.....


Nightmare Alley (2021)   Sorry to be away so long without a post.....but as nasty fate would have it,  COVID struck the BQ homestead......

            But since we' were all double-vaxxed and boosted here, the worst it could it do to us was just a long nagging cold with a stuffed up nose......

           Viewing this movie, which we drooled with anticipation for, didn't make the weekend go any better.......

            A major, major disappointment.  And we say that as a dedicated fan of director Guillermo del Toro......that made the letdown with this film even worse. 

           We couldn't think of a better director to fashion a modern remake of the original, darker-than-dark 1947 film about a sleazy carnival grifter (Tyrone Power in his best performance) undone by his low greedy ambitions.  (See our post of 5/8/19 for our full scoop on this 5 star gem......)

             What an opportunity for GDT to let his freak flag fly high.......carnival freaks combined with creepy vile characters of every variety......Oh yes please!

            The new "Nightmare Alley" does in fact look, gloomy, gruesome, cruel and weird......and there's the problem.

              It's all "looks" and no movie.  Instead of plunging you into its strange twisted story the way the original film did, , del Toro's film sits back and wants you to admire its craftmanship and artistry.......much in the same way you'd flip through one of those 80 dollar, seven pound coffee table books filled with carefully posed photos. 

              For 2 and a half hours, the films stay stubbornly inert, never developing a pulse.  It's a film whose style demands your attention to its meticulous style.......but all you can do is stare at it like it's hanging in an art gallery. 

             There's no sense talking about the story and the actors here......everybody and everything's carefully arranged.....posed.  A movie that appears superb in still photos.....but actually watching it unfold becomes a tedious, uninvolving chore. 

              By all means, don't pass up any opportunity to see the 1947 "Nightmare Alley", where 20th Century Fox leading man Tyrone Power s stepped way out of his 1940's Big Star comfort zone to fully embrace this walk on the dark side.....

               This new version?  Sorry, nothing more than a 2 star (**) meh at best. And along side "The King's Man", yet another giant disappointment.....sorry to say.

Thursday, February 24, 2022

'SPENCER'.....HER MOROSE ROYAL MAJESTY TRAPPED IN A CASTLE OF ROYAL ZOMBIES.....


 Spencer (2021)   We only endured the excruciating torture of sitting through this since Kristen Stewart, to everyone's surprise, managed to squeeze herself into a Best Actress Oscar nomination.......

               Just mentioning Kristen Stewart in the same sentence with 'Best Actress' nomination sounds like an oxymoron to us.......

                 'Spencer' is a perfect storm of things we dislike most in films.......a stillborn, non-existent pace so beloved by film festival culture vultures.......an unlistenable, pretentious music score that's akin to hearing a toddler drag fingernails across a blackboard for two hours.........and the always overpraised, overrated Kristen Steward, an actress who mystifies the world as she dazzles gullible film critics with an emotional range that goes from A.....to A.

                  Billing itself as a 'fable' based on fact, the film moves at 2 miles an hour through a fictitious Christmas weekend from hell......  where the unhappy Princess Diana (Stewart) must put up with her estranged husband Charles and the rest of the Royals, who mostly treat her with a silent patronizing contempt and  behave like they're already dead and just haunting the dump to kill time. 

                 The film depicts the Royals' Sandringham estate as vast, empty and creepy as Stephen King's Overlook Hotel from 'The Shining'.   (Diana even takes steadi-cam walking tours tours through the endless corridors...if she'd only used the "Shining" kid's trike, she could've shaved off a half our off the running time.....).

                  Since "Spencer" only focuses on Diana's inner torment about her fairy tale life gone awry, it plays to Kristen Stewart's one and only strength......depressive moping.

                    And in this movie, she's found the ultimate vehicle to deploy her primary, singular talent. 'Spencer' always stays completely still to allow Stewart free reign as the Empress of Ennui, The Baroness of Boredom, the Duchess of Doldrums, the Monarch Of Melancholy......well, you get the idea.......

                   Hearing about  Stewart's inclusion in the Best Actress category reminded us of those fake snarky Oscar nominations in the Kevin Kline comedy "In and Out"....("for Best Actor....Steven Seagal for "A Snowball In Hell"....)

                    Suitable only for Academy Award completists who feel compelled to watch every single nominated film and performance, no matter what the pain level involved.  Everyone else......only with strong black coffee and uppers. 1 star (*)

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

'DARLING'....A CELEBUTANTE TOURS THE SWINGIN' 60'S.....


 Darling (1965)    57 years after its release, this film still managed to impress us.......in its eviscerating snapshot picture of the mid-1960's zeitgeist and its prescient view of  the worthless obsession with celebrity culture that's overtaken us today.

              Let's return a bit to this era as we remember it......

              "Darling" arrived at the very peak of England's  reign of the pop culture universe in film, music, fashion.....and all the celebrities along for the ride. James Bond.....the Beatles....Carnaby Street mini-skirts......the 'angry young men' of the explosive 'New Wave' in British cinema, bringing with it a host of hungry young actors writers and directors.  (All of whom quickly migrated across the pond into Hollywood movies.....)

               Director John Schlesinger ("Midnight Cowboy", "Marathon Man") and the stunning, young and vivacious Julie Christie shook the pillars of world cinema with this freewheeling account of vapid model-actress Diana Scott. 

                Diana's a gorgeous live wire star of magazine covers everywhere and even starting to score memorable bit roles in films.  Though saddled with a husband from a marriage done too young, she attracts the predatory attentions of  sophisticated TV personality Robert Gold (Dirk Borgarde) who's also married and the vulpine dissolute advertising exec Miles Brand (the perfectly cast Laurence Harvey).

                 Bored with the staid, literary lifestyle of the the adulterous Gold, Diana aborts their baby and flies off with Brand for a whirlwind tour of  a Paris as swingin' as London. Their itinerary throws in a Fellini-esque bash where preening uppercrusts  wound each other with hurtful insults while they try on each other's clothes.... whoopie-doo!.

                  Yessir, it's the very soulless pit of the swingin' 60's, which director Schlesinger brings to life with all the bells and whistles of the daring 'new cinema'.....freeze frames, photo montages, startling (for the era) depictions of homosexuality, bisexuality, random sex and nudity.  And yet with all the post-war shake-ups in British society and culture, the the film sharply shows that the country's old school class-system snobbery still survives, even amid the discos and derpravity. 

                 Christie tackles all the ups and downs of Diana's never-ending pursuit of fame with the pure charismatic ease of a born superstar, snagging a Best Actress Oscar. And it was a well deserved accolade, since from beginning to end, you can't take your eyes off her.

                 Anyone coming to this film for the first time, may find its third act, where Diana's ultimate fate is cruelly doled out to her, as a too obvious, blunt moral lesson. But we didn't mind so much, since "Darling" does indulge in some nasty satiric fun at Diana's expense, in the form of a newsreel clip of her new glamorous and empty life.......the grand prize for her.....or no prize at all, depending on your point of view.....and hers.

                All together, a must-see-at-least-once for all movie buffs. A 4 star (****) essential.            

Tuesday, February 22, 2022

'RESIDENT EVIL: WELCOME TO RACCOON CITY'......READY SLAYER ONE.....


 Resident Evil: Welcome To Raccoon City (2021)   Here's an eternal mystery that we've never, ever been able to figure out.......

               Why do movies based on video games exist?

                There are three things in life you can depend on.......death, taxes and the fundamental truth that any movie version of a video game will suck to infinity and beyond......

                 And yet, like cockroaches, there's nothing that can exterminate them......which means even after a nuclear apocalypse, the first movie director who crawls out of the rubble with a camera in hand will make another 'Resident Evil' movie......


                  Here's what tickled us.....that gamers generally loathed and despised the never ending series of 'Resident Evil' movies concocted by director Paul W. S. Anderson and his tireless wife and leading star, Milla Jovovich.  

                  Gameboys and Gamegirls evidently didn't take kindly to the liberties taken by the Anderson-Jovovich dynamic duo.....

                   Way back in our video store movie buyer days, we had to view them as a routine part of our job. Couldn't remember a single moment from any of them......even as we watched them. But  the one element that always did strike us funny was the ludicrous machinations of the franchise's evil "Umbrella Corporation".  

                     Umbrella's nefarious master plans usually ended up touching off a catastrophic disaster that left major portions of its 'Raccoon City' population either dead or zombie-fied mutants.....

                    We often wondered how the company's executive board explained all this at the stockholders' meetings......("Sorry folks, but we've done it again......and we do realize that zombie-fying the city doesn't do much for this latest fiscal quarter"......)

                     Now along comes writer-director Johannes Roberts (of the trim and scary "47 Meters Down") to rectify all the perceived blasphemies perpetrated on "Resident Evil" by Anderson and Jovovich.  His mission here : to stay true and faithful to the game itself and all the tropes that that make gamers' controller-stick fingers itch with anticipation. 

                     Okey doke. Sure thing. Whatever.  Having never played a video game in our life, we'll assume that goal's been achieved.........

                   What goal, you ask?   Uh.....well.....to absolutely nobody's surprise, what's left of Raccoon City and it populace is rapidly zombie-fying. Again. (We didn't know there was anyone left in town who wasn't a drooling, gibbering ghoul....) And these stiffs need some serious beatdowns and double-taps in the head with heavy caliber firearms. 

                   All of this carnage we've no doubt will lead to another deeply awkward Umbrella Corp. stockholders meeting.....if only in our amused imagination. 

                    That's enough. We can't go on.  Time to cease and desist with this review.....we started to feel the precious minutes piling up, realizing life is way too short to spend discussing a worthless glob of excrement like this movie. 

                  Surprise surprise. Zero stars. (0)  

                     

                   

Monday, February 21, 2022

'THE KING'S MAN'.....A FRANCHISE'S ORIGIN STORY FLIES OFF THE RAILS......



The King's Man (2021)   Holy crap, what a mess......

             What a way to self destruct a wildly entertaining series.....

              And finally, what a way of forcing us to declare that we've seen what's so far the most crushingly disappointing movie of 2021.....

               Writer-director Matthew Vaughn showed everyone a good time with his two slyly funny, actioned -packed adventures of the "the Kingsmen", the ever dapper, elegant British secret service agents who save us all from global destructive villainy. ("Kingsman: The Secret Service" (2014), "Kingsman: The Golden Circle" (2017))

                Alas, serious delusions of grandeur overtook him in fashioning this 3rd entry in the series, an origins prequel that makes insanely wrong-headed attempts to blend Vaughn's over-the-top, "Kingsman" nonsense with serious, early 20th century history.

                  Vaughn spends a tedious 130 minutes alternating  between making the film look like a sumptuously accurate re-creation of World War I Europe and a comic book style turn-of-the-century Bond movie.

                    This fool's errand of trying to accomplish two completely different genres and their different cinematics drags the film down to a slow crawl, then every so often juices it back up again with loony CGI-driven set pieces......(but not nearly enough.) 

                    The result's exhausting and dispiriting to watch.......something we thought we'd never write in a review of a "Kingsman" movie......

                    "The King's Man" spends a lot of time applauding itself for inserting its fictitious characters into actual depictions of historical events and the real people involved....(such as the assassinations of Arch Duke Ferdinand and his wife and Rasputin's mesmerizing hold over Czar Nicholas and his family)

                     If that sounds like it could be fun, well, in at least one sequence, the movie's nutso collision of non-fiction and fantasy does take flight.....

                       Which brings us to the movie's singular MVP  - we speak of actor Rhys Ifans and his funny-scary, take-no-prisoners, all-stops-out portrayal of  everyone's favorite mad Russian, Grigori Rasputin......

                       Ifans, clearly inspired by Tom Baker's chew-up-the-scenery Rasputin  in "Nicholas and Alexandra" (see our post of  2/17/18 ) raises the loony-toon bar to all new heights.

                        And in the film's one gloriously giggly, memorable sequence, Vaughn interrupts his dreary fake history lessons, to let Ifans mix it up with his "Kingsman" Scooby-Doo gang (Ralph Fiennes, Harris Dickinson,  Djimon Hounsou, Gemma Aterton).   What ensues is a fractured, frenzied hilarious parody of  Rasputin's actual death, only this time with Ifans dancing madly to the "1812 Overture".......

                        Yes, it's a brilliant showstopper of  a sequence......and after it occurs halfway into the movie, it's all downhill from there.  

                         Vaughn does make a strenuous effort to regain his "Kingsman" mojo in the big action-fight finale, but by the time, the film reveals its unseen, mysterious faux-Blofeld villain it's nothing but a 'big deal, who cares, so what?'

                         The end credits throw in a teaser that promises yet another prequel to take the Kingsman into World War 2, but if Matthew Vaughn actually gets around to making it, we'd give him this advice : don't try to imitate Christopher Nolan and Sam Mendes.....let your "Kingsman" freak flag fly wildly and do it as Matthew Vaughn and nobody else.....

                      For "The King's Man", 2 stars (**), primarily for Rhys Ifans and his rip-roarin', nimble-footed Rasputin.......

                         


Friday, February 18, 2022

'THE WRONG MAN' & 'RICHARD JEWELL'.....THE WRONG ARM OF THE LAW - 63 YEARS APART....


 The Wrong Man (1956) & Richard Jewell (2019)    After finally catching up with Clint Eastwood's account of the wrongly accused security guard Richard Jewell, we immediately thought of comparing it to Alfred Hitchcock's one and only rendition of a true story done in semi-documentary style.....his first and last attempt at this kind of journalistic genre.

           Two iconic directors. Two true stories of two men singled out with false accusations, upending their lives in terrible anxiety, dread and tragedy. Two very different director agendas and techniques in telling these stranger-than-fiction stories. 

            As all Hitchcock lovers know, the director's fear and unease of police permeates his filmography, supposedly the result of a tough-love prank played on him by his father when he was a child.....having the boy tossed into a jail cell as a lesson to show him what happens to bad people......

            .......which would explain why Hitchcock heroes often found themselves wrongfully accused of crimes they didn't commit and spent a majority of their time on the run from cops and other authority figures.

               The director found the penultimate version of this tale in the grim true saga of New York City nightclub musician Manny Balestrero, mistakenly charged with the armed robbery of neighborhood stores and insurance company offices. (The real criminal bore an uncanny resemblance to him, causing the robbery victims to wrongly identify Balestrero in police line-ups.....)

               Leaving his preferred, carefully controlled confines of studio production, Hitchcock went out on the actual NYC streets and locations where Balestrero, played with subtle, haunting reserve by Henry Fonda, became trapped in a Kafka-esque nightmare. 

              Long before the Supreme court Miranda ruling, the 1950's detectives were able to quickly railroad Balestrero into interrogations and an indictment without ever letting him see a lawyer.  The burden of the false charges sent Balestrero's emotionally fragile wife Rose (Vera Miles) into a nervous breakdown....(.which the film, in its one major untruth, claims she eventually recovered from.....she did not.)

              The film critics of the day dismissed "The Wrong Man" as an oddball, mundane effort from Hitchcock but today it's taken its place among his all time classics, celebrated by film writers, historians and fans like Martin Scorsese.

              Everything anyone loved and admired in the director's best work is on full display here - the meticulous use of editing and camera movement to accentuate the mounting sense of dread and unease. as Henry Fonda helplessly watches his life undone and marriage destroyed.....(the expected Hitchcock closeups of Fonda's hands smeared with fingerprinting ink and the handcuffs slapped on his wrists.)

               And that sums up Hitchcock's principle agenda here.....the film effectively achieves his simple, primary goal.... to.make you cringe with discomfort as you watch it and feel as queasy as Hitchcock did when his dad forced him into a little jail time....for no reason whatsoever.

               Fonda and Vera Miles perform their roles expertly and among the supporting players, watch for Doreen Lang as one of the traumatized robbery victims, later to play that memorable bit as the hysterical mother who shrieks at Tippi Hedren in "The Birds".  Even composer Bernard Herrmann got into the low-key spirit of things, contributing only a bit of spare, ominous score.

              "The Wrong Man" a frozen in time snapshot of 1950's justice combined with Hitchcock's deepest themes, remains a 5 star (*****) FIND OF FINDS.

              Richard Jewell, another bizarre true story of an innocent man falsely targeted by law enforcement, arrived 63 years later in 2019, courtesy of that tireless senior citizen and new-movie-every-year director, Clint Eastwood. 

              But in our current day and age of toxic political divisions,  rabid right-winger Eastwood had far more on his mind than simply a visual account Jewell's wrongfully accused anguish.......

              In Jewell's travails, Eastwood no doubt saw a golden opportunity to strike a more current blow against those two institutions he felt treated Donald Trump unfairly - the FBI and mass media. 

               We'd agree with Clint that in their foul treatment of Jewell, they had it comin'. On flimsy, circumstantial evidence that would never hold up in court, the FBI zeroed in on Jewell as their primary suspect in the bombing of a concert during the 1996 Atlanta Olympics....even though as a security guard on duty he was instrumental in alerting police to the bomb and preventing a worse casualty count than occurred.  Then the Feds apparently colluded with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution to leak their suspicion of Jewell to the public (with the help of reporter Kathy Scruggs, but the film does itself no favors by fictitiously depicting her as a predatory slut, trading sex for FBI inside info.....)

               With Eastwood's well known "one-take-and-let's-move-on" rapid fire filmmaking, you know won't see all the cinematic nuances that Hitchcock brought to "The Wrong Man"......just  meat 'n potatoes, point-and-shoot, with few attempts at subtext or subtlety.

               But after over a half century of film directing, he knows how to cast his films with unerring savvy and the actors of "Richard Jewell" are all the MVPs here, starting with Paul Walter Hauser as Jewell, the pudgy, over zealous law enforcement fanboy who found himself transformed from hero to pariah in a matter of days.  Also strongly putting the story across are Jon Hamm as the driven, obsessed FBI agent, Sam Rockwell as Jewell's street-smart lawyer, Olivia Wilde as Kathy Scruggs and Kathy Bates as Jewell's distraught, loving mom. 

              Clint Eastwood never gets in the way of his actors and their work, along with his usual modest, quietly competent style make the film a 3 star (***) experience well worth seeing. 

              Even with endings that left both tormented men exonerated, there were no real Hollywood style conclusions for Manny Balestrero and Richard Jewell. Balestrero coped and suffered through his wife's mental illness until she died twelve years before his own passing. Richard Jewell died of a heart aliment at only 44 years old.  

              Even the movies couldn't do full justice to the agonies of these men when they were chosen by the cruelest of fate.....and the wrong arm of the law. 

                


Thursday, February 17, 2022

'STAGE STRUCK'.....A DRAMA QUEEN BRAVES BROADWAY.......




Stage Struck (1958).....
arrived early in the prolific filmography of director Sidney Lumet.....and like most of his movies, it unfolds entirely in Lumet's beloved New York City......in full ripe color, proudly announcing its location as the credits begin. 

              Though the film's fairly torpedoed by the comical, affected over-acting of its lead player, there's enough to love here to make it an essential watch for anyone who savors New York movies, stories about life in the theater, and anything by Sidney Lumet.

                Based on a play and a 1933 Katherine Hepburn movie 'Morning Glory', the film follows the rocky road  of Eva Lovelace (Susan Strasberg), a fiercely ambitious, fledging young actress seeking a career in the cutthroat New York theater community. 

 
                Steeped in theater lore and a veteran of who knows how many amateur productions, Eva's performed major roles in all the classics.......even as 'Hamlet' ("I've got good legs.")  After she barrels her way into the office of a top Broadway producer (Henry Fonda), her sheer nerve, chutzpah and preening self assurance somehow charm Fonda, his rising young playwright (Christopher Plummer in his first film role) and her new best friend, an aging British character actor (the always, smooth, suave and mellow-voiced Herbert Marshall.)

                 Not surprisingly, Fonda succumbs to a one night stand with her, not realizing Plummer's fallen hard for her too.  But it's tough out there for Strasberg to storm Broadway for a role, so she's reduced to reading poetry in a seedy club where she has to double as her own stagehand. 


                    But not for long......after all, this movie functions as a sort of happily-ever-after fable about the fabulous, crazy world of professional theater and its hyper-emotional denizens.  When Fonda and Plummer's s famously temperamental star  leading lady (Joan Greenwood) walks out on them days, before opening night, what will the boys ever do? Who can they ever find to replace her at the last minute and create an instant new Broadway star?

                    Do we even have to tell you the answer to that?




                    This leads the story to its expected conclusion, and as a bonus, throws in a not-so-expected final moment that's both uplifting and realistically bittersweet.  (As someone who wrote plays for a theater company for 10 years and dated actresses, we can vouch for the honesty of this film's fade-out scene.....)

                    Sad to report, you'd think that Susan Strasberg, the daughter of famed Actor's Studio guru Lee Strasberg  would've been this film's MVP.......on the contrary, she's the worst thing in it. 
  
                    Throughout the film, she's embarrassing to watch, doing what looks like a deliberately over-the-top, terrible imitation of Katherine Hepburn, who won a Best Actress Oscar for playing the same role in "Morning Glory".   Drawling out her dialogue as if she's Blanche Dubois on downers, Strasberg's poorly performed work here cries out "Look at me! Look at me! I'm ACTING!!"


                     But for all the reasons we previously mentioned (including that brilliant supporting cast and Alex North's loud, busy Copland-esque score)"Stage Struck" still gave us a nice nostalgic tour through NYC and its hustling, bustling theater world.....so we'll still close the curtain on this review with not quite a standing O but at least 2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2)

                    (By the way, fans who love familiar character actors will enjoy spotting Jack Weston and diminutive, helium-voiced John Fiedler in their earliest movie roles).
             
                      

                  

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

'THE BRONZE'.....AN EMBITTERED OLYMPIAN LIVING OFF HER 15 MINUTES.....


The Bronze (2015)     Oh my, what a perfect movie to sit through in the midst of the ongoing trainwreck shitshow laughingly known as the 2022 Winter Olympics......

            Unlike other folks, we passed up viewing the sorry spectacle of  a young Russian figure skater allowed to compete even though she'd been doped up to her eyeballs in heart medications. 

              And seriously, we don't know why anyone would think's they'd see a fair and honest sporting competition conducted within a nightmarish authoritarian Mordor of a country like China.

              Therefore, in the true Olympic spirit, we watched this scrappy, deliberately nasty little dramady about Hope Ann Greggory, an embittered young ex-Olympian gymnast (Melissa Rauch) whose career was cut short by crippling injury. 

               Now back at home living with her long suffering postman dad (Gary Cole) Hope needily feeds off the fame left over from her brief moment in the sun, when she managed to win a Bronze medal as America's plucky, damaged sweetheart. 

               With a chance to score a $500,000 inheritance from her recently deceased gym coach, Hope agrees to coach Maggie (Haley Lu Richardson) a new sweet innocent gymnast with Olympic dreams.  She undertakes this task much to the derision and disapproval of her one time Olympic nemesis, Gold medalist Lance (Sebastian Stan), who now supervises the American gymnastic team. 

                Melissa Rauch (of "The Big Bang Theory") works extra hard at establishing Hope as a raunchy, suffer-no-fools, nymphomaniacal whirlwind and it's a long ragged, rocky road to her ultimate redemption. By the time the film gets around to humanizing her a little, you may not care one way or the other. 

                 But there are a few things to enjoy here along the way, The charming and adorable Richardson provides a welcome relief from Rauch's overbearing, way overdone badass theatrics.  And the film does serve up at least one comedic highpoint - when Hope and Lance give in to their animal attraction and indulge in a night of literally Olympic sex.....complete with backflips, handstands and a variety of body bending acrobatics.   Startling funny stuff.

              Not quite ready for prime time, but there's no dull moments and we appreciated the film's targeting the whole Olympic experience as nothing but a glorified showbiz hustle.  And it's certainly more honest and above board than that catastrophic calamity going on in China. 2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2)

 

                

Monday, February 14, 2022

'QUICKSILVER'......STARTS LIKE A BLOCKBUSTER, ENDS IN A KOONTZ-WORLD SWAMP.....


 Quicksilver by Dean Koontz (2022)   Even if it's still early in the year, we think this book may end up as one the most schizophrenic, split-personality experiences of the entirety of 2022......

               There's two books here.......and they don't read like the same guy wrote them. 

                Let's start by saying the first half of "Quicksilver" is a 5 star, bell-ringin', grab-you-by-lapels action adventure.....and it's laced with a knowing, razor wit that kept us smiling, nodding and even laughing out loud at times. 

                 The first half is on fire......and all we kept thinking as we read it was.....if the whole book reads like this, we could end up declaring this the most fun book we've cracked open all year!

                 Deep, deep sigh........no, not to be.

                Our hero, Quinn Quicksilver, has quite the backstory for a young, ordinary, feature writer for an Arizona magazine. Found as an abandoned baby on a highway, he was raised from infant to adult in a Catholic orphanage run by nuns. 

                 Then one day, for some unknown reason, he's accosted by a couple of threatening Men In Black goons working for a vast secret government agency. You know the group......loads of dark suited guys with an inexhaustible supply of SUVs, helicopters, drones, weaponry......and night vision goggles. 

                  On the run from the ominous goon forces, Quinn accidentally rescues two kindred fugitives also on the MIB hit list - Bridget, a kickass manic-pixie dreamgirl and her ornery but lovable gramps, Sparky.  Seems that Quinn and Bridget possess some supernatural powers, due to the fact their long lost mothers might've been impregnated by other-worldly forces.....(kind of like the "Village Of The Danmed" kiddies).

                    Their mixture of human and non-human DNA doesn't sit well with the faceless government forces......so the chase is on. As the MIB goons hunt them down, Quinn and Bridget go hunting for their own origin stories.....

                  The first half of the book sets all of this up in a fast, funny narrative..... and man oh man were we ever lovin every page of it.....

                  Until the second half, when it careens so far off the rails, we couldn't believe we were still in the middle of the same book we started out with. 

                 To explain the dawn of Quinn and Bridget, Koontz drags in a tedious, elaborate mythology that sounds left over from multiple YA fantasy novels. He then uses this labored myth-making as an excuse to slow the book's pace down to a deadly crawl, the better to fill up the pages with his endless preaching of his overall world view. 

                  And then Koontz ditches the duels with a MIBs to send his heroes on a quest to take down the spectacular lair of a vile, human trafficking  cult leader, who's like some insane mash-up of Jeffrey Epstein, Rev. Jim Jones and a Bond villain. 

                  We hated, hated, hated the second half of this book......senseless, slow, ridiculous every step of the way, and clogged to the max with Koontz's impenetrable bloviating. 

                   But since we did thoroughly enjoy the initial chapters, we'll leave the rating at 2 stars (**) ......and that's for the first half only.  Once the book takes its fatal plunge in Koontz's tiresome blah-blah-blahing, it's zero (0) stars from its midpoint to the rushed, abrupt, here-comes-the sequel finish. 

                  Really for hardcore Koontz fans only. Everyone else......don't say we didn't warn you. Proceed with hazmat caution........

Friday, February 11, 2022

'SPECIES'.....ALIEN GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE SEX.......


 Species (1995)    The primal idea behind this typical 90's multi-plex fodder seems so simple, so basic and so inevitable, we wonder why nobody thought of it sooner......

               Even in the first cheesy 1950's sci-fi movies, there were always a few alien visitors whose invasion plans included gettin' in some funsie-wunsie with Earth girls.......(not that any of those plans came to fruition, as far we remember.....)

                As alien invasion movies progressed through the decades, the invaders' top agenda usually involved  mass destruction or turning Earth folk into robotic zombie-slaves....sex was usually the last thing on their minds.

                But by the time 1995 rolled around, the "Species" filmmakers decided we moviegoers craved to see a predatory alien female who had nothing on her mind except frenzied hot tub sex  in order to spew out more alien babies. 

                  According to the storyline, this rampaging creature with the enthusiasm of a porn star began life as an unholy in vitro cocktail of human and alien DNA.....(the helpful aliens sent down their DNA sequencing to one of our top secret resident mad doctors sucking on the government tit.  (Ben Kingsley).

                   Sir Ben's concocted a pretty little human-alien girl (the young, teenage Michelle Williams), but after a change of heart, tries gassing her with cyanide. 

                   Michelle's not havin' it though, crashing through the glass cage imprisoning her and embarking on an extremely fast coming-of-age journey so she can mate like a bunny and multiply.......Needless to say, some poor suckers unlucky enough to cross her path won't make to any sequel......


                    Our trusty government powers-that-be dispatch a truly oddball team to hunt down out our out-of-this-world man eater who's now quickly grown from  out of her adorable Michelle Williams phase.....and into the standard, generic blonde Natasha Henstridge. (the better to kill you, my dear.....)

                    These disparate alien-busters finally get to go mano e mano with their quarry in an L.A. sewer, where Natashs's assumed her true, scaly, outer space Medusa form, courtesy of H.R. Giger, the artist -designer who created Ridley Scott's drippingly repulsive 'Alien'. This prompts the fledgling CGI artists to go wildly out of control, animating the creature as if she was a lethal loony toon.

                    Okay, we'll admit that from time to time, we love a good wallow in unrepentant  guilty pleasure trash.....(alright, maybe a little more frequently than 'from time to time').....and since this movie spawned multiple sequels, we know we're not the only ones.....

                     Which proves beyond a doubt the existence of a demographic that thrills to the sight of an oversexed alien hottie eviscerating a horny guy just to render herself pregnant.  Make of that what you will......3 stars (***).

                    

                .

                   

Thursday, February 10, 2022

'THE MAGIC OF BELLE ISLE'....ROB REINER'S SOOTHING CUP 'O CHICKEN SOUP


 The Magic Of Bell Isle (2012)  We picked this one up amongst a pile of DVDs we bought at a library inventory sale.  What intrigued us......here was a movie we absolutely never heard of, even though it features a major director, Rob Reiner and an iconic movie superstar, Morgan Freeman. 

             It falls somewhere in the territory between a typical Nicholas Sparks novel and a Hallmark channel drama-romance. 

              That would normally signify a sappy, manipulative, overly sentimental movie.

               "The Magic Of Belle Isle" is indeed all of those things. But Rob Reiner possesses enough subtle skill and savvy filmmaking chops to to modulate this story's most obvious tropes. In other  words, he knows how to properly initiate an emotional response without making the tearjerking look false. 

               In this task, he's enormously aided by the always gifted Freeman, who turns this corniest and oldest of caricatures, the curmudgeon who slowly rediscovers life ,love, purpose and humanity into a person you come to love and care for....(as do all the people around him....)

                Freeman's an embittered, wheelchair bound, alcoholic, former writer of pulp western paperbacks. He's spending a summer at his nephew's house in a scenic New York state lakeside town. Life's been cruel and unkind to him, a drunk driver left him paralyzed and he's lost his beloved wife to cancer, along with the will to ever write a word again. 

                 It takes the friendship and love of a divorced mom (the luminous Virginia Madsden) and her three young daughters to return this old damaged soul to the world of the living......and even find romance and a spark of his own long lost creativity. 

                 Call us an old softie, but we fell for this movie hard.  Freemans funny, touching and sad all at the same time and Madsden proves a perfect match for him.  Think of it as comfort food for a cold winter night.......and with in a world where everyone's at each others throats about everything, a cup of movie chicken soup could do us all a little good.   3 stars (***)

Wednesday, February 9, 2022

'THE MARKSMAN'.....THE PERILS OF A PAYCHECK CAREER......


 The Marksman (2021)  We'd rather not spend a lot of time and verbiage deriding such a slight, uninteresting generic movie......

            Liam Neeson's always been among our faves and we even stuck with him when he said farewell to major A-list projects and surrendered his career to a string of lower level action movies......all of which feature more or less the same plot.......

             The basic premise - Aging, weary Liam, seemingly a mild-mannered, ordinary working stiff and all around nice guy, finds himself pitted against a veritable army of vicious thugs. The thugs always , always underestimate Liam.....fatally.

                Guess who comes out on top at the end?

               When these movies, for all their obvious characteristics, were action-packed and fun, we watched and enjoyed them as much as everybody else did.  Nobody cared that they were junk.....as long as we got to revel at the sight of Neeson, working way, way below his abilities, takin' names and kickin' ass.

                But would we rather want to see him back in a great role in a genuine quality film? Of course, but if Liam just wanted to collect the paychecks,(like Bruce Willis and Nicolas Cage), we'd go along for ride.

               Somewhere along the line, the people who slap together these movies began to take themselves seriously......thinking they could attempt to make a Liam shoot-em-up, punch-em-up look like high art.....and maybe give Liam a role to re-establish his 'real actor' credentials.

                 The sorry results of this misguided mission - "The Marksman", a slow, dreary, depressing slog from beginning to end.  And a dull ordeal to sit through, right up to its downbeat ending.....(which its writer and director no doubt thought was the epitome of award worthy gravitas.....)

                 Unlike other Neeson quick-paycheck vehicles, there's no fun to be had here at all......this time he's a beaten down Vietnam vet Arizona cattle rancher, overwhelmed with grief over the death of his cancer-stricken wife and facing bank foreclosure on his home and ranch. He routinely calls in the Border patrol to scoop up illegal immigrants he spots on his land, with little thought to the strife and misery that led them to their desperate journeys to cross into the U.S.

                 All that changes when he ends up on protecting a fleeing young Mexican boy whose family ran afoul of the Cartel. Hot on their heels, as Neeson and the boy embark on cross country trek to untie the kid with Chicago relatives, comes a carload of heavily armed Cartel goons. 

                  Instead of an urgently suspenseful treatment that you might believe such a story requires, the filmmakers opt for a snail-paced, self reflective drama, only briefly interrupted from time to time by sudden spurts of violence.

                  It's the kind of stillborn, autumnal seriousness we managed to tolerate in Clint Eastwood's "Cry Macho "since  Eastwood's given a much deeper backstory. (see our post of        ) But "The Marksman" , when you get right down to it, with its paint-by-numbers plotting  has little on its mind except Neeson eliminating enough Cartel goons to save the day.

                 And if the movie's not going to let us get our  guilty pleasure jollies watching Liam go medieval on villains' asses, then why watch it at all?    

                   We're sorry we did. 1 star (*). Skip it.

                   

                  

Tuesday, February 8, 2022

'SUCH A PRETTY SMILE'....MISOGYNIST DEMONS SLAUGHTER GIRLS WHO NEVERTHELESS PERSIST.....


Such A Pretty Smile by Kristi DeMeester (2022)    We held off jumping right on to the keyboard to post on this one after we put the book down.......

                 Since we've never read anything quite like this, a furiously angry feminist horror novel, we thought we'd better take a few days to think about it......

                  Our initial reaction hasn't changed......basically, wow.

                  In structure, it resembles one of those Stephen King epics in which a malevolent, eternal entity returns through decade after decade, coming back to torment different generations of traumatized, dysfunctional families. 

                  Except the monsters here have an ongoing agenda that Mitch McConnel, Donald Trump and the current majority on the Supreme Court would heartily approve of......to keep woman in their place, to stamp out and crush women and children with rebellious spirits.  Such women, according to this monstrous gang who frequently manifest themselves as a pack of wild dogs, must be crushed and destroyed, their genitals ripped asunder.......with the exception of those few women they spare, whom they sense they've bent to their will. 

                   True, the rampaging supernatural man-dogs serve as the author's crude, blunt metaphor for the patriarchy, but in the context of a horror thriller, it struck us as highly effective. These creatures are sort of like Stephen King's evil clown Pennywise ....only specifically re-imagined as a murderous misogynist, targeting women who dare to defy authority.

                   In separate timelines the book lays out the tortuous, fearful lives of  Caroline and Lila, a mother and daughter both haunted and bedeviled by their encounters with the dog-demons. The creatures'  abductions and slaughter of young girls every 15 years are invariably mistaken for the work some human serial killer. 

                    And Caroline and Lila's horrific visions and memoires end up categorized as paranoid schizophrenic delusions......Caroline's forced to submit to therapy from a psychiatrist who fairly oozes with patronizing condescension, but the free spirited Lila becomes determined to have a final reckoning with the monsters.......and like just like Uncle Stevie King, Kristi DeMeester arranges a spectacular final confrontation that doesn't stint on on the horror and gore. 

                      As you might have already guessed from the book's fierce, howling agenda, the few male characters here are.....uh......not treated well. Even Daniel, Caroline's live-in lover (and later father to Lila) a potentially sympathetic soul, commits a foul act of betrayal against Caroline that, given her character, seems no less a degrading insult than actual infidelity.

                     We should point out that the many sequences of overwhelming dread are as skillfully done here as anything equivalent we've read in a King novel.........when it's time to get down to the business of scaring you, the book goes all out to deliver those booga-booga moments you'd demand in a story like this.

                     What readers may not have expected......a horror book with a hell of lot more on its mind than simply scaring you silly. "Such A Pretty Smile" gets the job done on all counts. 4 stars (****).

Monday, February 7, 2022

'THE BROOD'....CRONENBERG'S KIDS FROM THE ID....(AND THEY'RE NOT KIDDING AROUND)


 The Brood (1979)   After "Shivers", his 'apartment sex parasite' shocker,(see our post of 6/16/21),  David Cronenberg truly cemented his growing reputation with this gruesome little gem...... we're talking about his reputation as the unequaled master of ooey-gooey-slimy-slippery body horror.......

              Apparently, Cronenberg used this film to work out the wrenching traumas he suffered as he went through a take-no-prisoners divorce and custody battle with his ex-wife.

               So you can bet your bloody boots that things will go from bad to worse for the divorced couple depicted here, played by Samantha Eggar and Art Hindle.

               While sharing custody of their young daughter (Cindy Hinds), Eggar's under the care of a dubious psychologist (Oliver Reed, working at a relative low boil for a change.) Reed  practices something called 'psychoplasmic therapy' which leads to patients producing actual physical manifestations of their mental torments.

                Hindle suspects that Reed's loony-toon treatments have caused Eggar to abuse their little girl.....and he's correct, but in a far more horrific way than he could ever imagine.

                As a result of Reed's therapy to release her inner rage, Eggar starts literally birthing a pile of midget mutants out of a bloated sac stuck on her belly. And then the mute little trolls, which look like half-formed, grotesque caricatures of her daughter, go about their business of slaughtering whoever pissed off mommy.....starting with Eggar's parents, whom the film implies abused her as a child.

                 Cronenberg's ongoing obsession with the corruption and mutation of human flesh went on full display here, with the 'things you can't unsee' sight of Eggar licking the bloody slime off of one of the newly hatched gremlins who derive from and feed off her fury. In that regard, her terrible tykes aren't  much different from Walter Pidgeon's invisible Id in "Forbidden Planet". They're put on earth only to go on the hunt and kick ass.

                  And we can only imagine what audiences made of the sequence where the Id kids bludgeon a teacher to death in full view of her terrified class of small children......(we ourselves could only imagine how toxic Cronenberg's divorce must have been to create this entire film....)

                  While "The Brood" may not stand as the most remembered and celebrated in Cronenberg's filmography, you couldn't ask for a better example of this director's  art and artistry in action. That makes it a 4 star (****) essential for all cinema buffs and horror lovers.  Watch out....these kids aren't alright.....