'FINAL ANALYSIS'.......HITCHCOCKERY IN VERTIGO-VILLE!

 Final Analysis (1992)     Heading into 2021, we want to keep up the good vibes with some positive reviews for a change......and here's a prime example of a movie genre we dearly love....

            Fasten your seatbelts......for another 1990's sex-drenched psychological thriller. And '92 was a banner year for these movies, kicking off with Paul Verhoven's trend-setting 'Basic Instinct', in which the world went mad at the sight Sharon Stone's exposed crotch.......

           As a busy movie buyer for video stores, BQ had to make purchase decisions on the avalanche of theatrical and direct-to-video 'Basic Instinct' imitations that followed in that blockbuster's wake.....(we rolled our eyes at the titles of these knock-offs....."Deadly Instinct", "Basic Obsession", "Lethal Deception", "Fatal Arousal", etc, etc., etc,.....

           We don't mean to tar "Final Analysis" with that brush, though. It's more of a beautifully rendered, skillfully acted throwback to Hitchcock's "Vertigo"......similarly set in San Francisco and set to a ripely symphonic Bernard Herrmann-esque score by George Fenton.

            But unlike Brian DePalma's 'Vertigo' homage, "Obsession", which closely copied Hitchcock's plot, "Final Analysis" comes up with its very own bonkers storyline......filled with twists, turns, reversals of fortune and of course, a spectacular finale.......(with far more closure for people still scratching their head about the end of 'Vertigo')

             A plot description of this movie would sound ridiculous if we wrote it all out......but that's half the fun of watching a psychological thriller......the operative word here is 'psycho' rather than 'logical'

            All we'll reveal is that a hunky psychiatrist (Richard Gere) get mixed up with two alluring sisters......one of whom (Uma Thurman) he's treating for OCD and a horrific childhood, and the other he ends up rolling in the sheets with (Kim Basinger at the height of her considerable Babe-hood)

            Adding to the complications...... Basinger suffers from 'pathological intoxication' (one sip 'o booze sends her to Crazytown)....and she's unhappily and dangerously married to a jealous gangster with a lethal temper. (a very scary Eric Roberts)

              All these elements quickly boil over to a brutal murder....and.....and that's all we should tell you in order to fully enjoy the breathless goings-on that follow. 

              And for those who dote on Hitchcock's overheated, climaxes, "Final Analysis" serves up a doozy.....a great way to put some fun thrills into your New Year's celebration. 4 stars (****).

'THE WATER KEEPER'.....A SAVIOR OF SEX SLAVES DOES BATTLE.....

 The Water Keeper by Charles Martin (2020)    After eviscerating that worthless movie "Ava" yesterday, it occurred to us that we should try to finish out this toxic year on a more positive note........

            After all, the oncoming 2021 brings the promise of two wonderful things......more life-saving vaccines and vaccinations for all of us and the blessed, much prayed for finish to the horrifying cancer of Donald Trump.......

              So we celebrate today with a terrific book to recommend to you.

              We're almost tempted to use that ancient sentence that reviewers on Goodreads employ when they come across a book they like......(and let me tell you, the avid readers who post reviews on that site are some tough cookies with very high standards....)

              It goes something like, "This is the first Charles Martin book I've read and it won't be my last!!"

              Even if that line's a hoary cliche, we couldn't have said it better.

              This book stunned us completely in its ability to combine two dissimilar genres.....the heartbreaking romantic tragedy and gut-wrenching sentiment of a Nicholas Sparks book blended with the ultra-violent, take no prisoners, bloody action-adventure tropes of.......(well, you pick your favorite action author and slot the name in this space......) 

               Charles Martin fearlessly careens his story back and forth from one of these genres to the other......you won't know whether you should keep a box of tissues handy or an extra pillow to cushion your butt while you're sitting on the edge of your seat....

                The author's  world weary, modern day knight-in-Kevlar-armor, Murphy Shepherd, is a government operative who specializes in rescuing innocent girls who've been abducted for slave auctions by human traffickers, 

                 And his many crusading quests against the most evil human beings on earth invariably leave Shepherd grievously wounded, both physically and emotionally........on top of the already painful, raw emotional baggage he carries over a doomed, lost love of his own. 

                 His latest mission takes him up and down the south Florida coast in search of another kidnapped girl, along with the help the girl's distraught mother, a dying ex-convict and a hardened runaway orphan teen girl in search of her birth mother.

                 If all this sounds like huge amount of stuff for one book to carry on its shoulders, you're right.......and the astounding plot twists that ensue defy all rational explanation.  But the more over the top the book became, the more we loved it......Charles Martin's unafraid to wear his heart on his sleeve while spilling gallons of blood at the same time......

                 We can tell you we've never read a book quite like this.......in the way it daringly throws together the most heartfelt moments imaginable with kick-ass, explosive violence that's the equal of any thriller on the best seller lists these days. 

                BQ says treat yourself for the new year, "The Water Keeper" is a 5 star (*****) bona fide, real deal FIND OF FINDS. 

'AVA'.....ATOMIC BLAND

 Ava  (2020)     This is one of those movies that makes us shake our head while watching......and finally muttering...."....what the actual ****?"

                 How in the holy hell did a group of A-list actors (Jessica Chastain, Colin Farrell, John Malkovich) come together to debase themselves in this blatantly generic, bland, dispiriting carbon copy of female-driven action adventures? 

                  We can only guess this atrocity was cobbled together by people who watched Charlize Theron's 'Atomic Blonde' multiple times and dreamed of cashing in......

                   So they extracted that film's story elements without creating any real story of their own......and to pad out the running time between the brutal punch-ups and assassinations, they dropped in a dysfunctional romantic triangle for their lead character.......

                   The various shootouts and hand-to-hand combats, by the way, are edited with that usual ruinous chop-chop-chop style that's destroyed movie action sequences for the last several decades. 

                   Not one solitary second will we waste describing the movie's pathetic excuse for a storyline.....you can simply refer to 20 or 30 other films which it rips off for ideas and plot turns. 

                   That's it, We're done talking about this steaming turd. 

                   Then again, maybe it's the perfect movie to finish out this hellish year. 

                   Just like the entire length of 2020, 'Ava's a true AFH.

                   An ABOMINATION FROM HELL. 

                   We're looking forward to forgetting we ever saw it. 

HOLIDAY BINGE-O-MANIA! BQ STREAMS HIMSELF SILLY......

          Ah, the holidays......which these days means avoiding friends, family and Covid-19 by hunkering down in front of the flatscreen......

           Also home with us, it goes without saying was our pride and joy BD (Beloved Daughter) who took complete control of the remote and picked all these films to view on the long, long, long Christmas weekend.....

           (And that would explain why some of these films seem like things BQ would watch only while being held hostage at gunpoint......)

             So let's kick off the marathon with....

Babes In Toyland (1986)    Our daughter fondly remembered this from a battered VHS copy we gave her back in our Video Store Buyer days......it's a cheap looking, chintzy TV movie version of the Victor Herbert musical. There's a bit of fun to be had at the sight of  a 22 year old Keanu Reeves and an 11 year old Drew Barrymore, but the whole thing looks and sounds like a junior high school musical. If you've kids who want to see it, you can stream it free with your library card on www.hoopladigital.com.....(beware: for adults, it's dreary and tiresome....1 star (*)

Godmothered (2020)    This Disney live-action fantasy was no doubt intended for a holiday theatrical release, before attending movie theaters became a life-threatening experience due to the pandemic....that is, if you could even find a movie theater still functioning. So now, along with other Disney theatricals, it lives on Disney Plus.   It's in the style of "Enchanted", but Jilllian Bell as a fairy godmother trainee is an acquired taste and she's not anywhere near as funny a she thinks she is. Also, there's no catchy songs......2 stars (**).

Mulan (2020)   Another Disney theatrical refugee taking shelter on Disney Plus, after the streaming service tried out charging their regular subscribers $19.99 just to watch it all by itself.  Turning the sprightly animated musical into a full fledged martial arts/swordplay epic was a colossal waste of time, money and resources. Asian filmmakers have been doing action spectaculars like this for decades.....and this genre was never designed for Disney demographics.....which begs the question.....why did they even bother?  No songs, either. 1 & 1/2 stars (* 1/2)  And holy crap, Jet Li looks 130 years old....

Soul (2020   Disney Plus wisely decided not to soak subscribers with a heavy extra charge to watch Pixar's major holiday effort. We feel like the kid who shouts the Emperor has no clothes with this one.....the mighty Pixar, collector of countless accolades ran aground here. It's a huge mess......like three or four different concepts thrown together with little or no thought as to how they would fit together. Unlike Pixar's usual brilliant storytelling, "Soul" looks like they made it up as they went along. The jazz music part of it is superb......the cutsey-wootsy afterlife/before-life stuff is convoluted, confusing and makes little sense.  The Pixar-ians have fallen deep in love with their own cleverness.....and it's not that clever. Beware the grossly overrated reviews.....2 stars (**)

Holidate (2020) This Netflix Christmas rom-com took us by surprise. We assumed it was going to be a mild, G-rated Hallmark kind of thing. Not hardly......it's a full-fledged R-equivalent raunch-fest, with full helpings of sex, sex jokes and every sick twisted joke you could imagine about somebody's severed finger. Two singletons (Emma Roberts, Luke Bracey) commit to that well worn rom-com trope, the "we'll pretend we're a couple" gimmick all through a year's worth of holidays. The only criteria we follow assessing a movie like this is simple......did it make us laugh?  It sure as hell did. We don't mind admitting we LOL'd through the whole damn thing. 3 stars (***)

The Prom (2020)   TV show-meister Ryan Murphy's adaptation of the Broadway musical about Broadway stars who rally 'round a bullied, teen lesbian who's banned from bringing a girl date to the prom. Fun for a while as the show knowingly spoofs and celebrates musical theater actors and their preening self-absorption and self pity. Meryl Streep and James Corden take those qualities to near obnoxious limits and the film and its endless  musical numbers drags on and on.  While La Streep and the frenzied Cordon chew the scenery like lions tearing through a side of beef, poor Nicole Kidman stays sidelined and given one lone musical number. Too much of everything altogether. It wears you out. 2 stars (**)

                 

             

'JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH'......."HERE'S TO THE PROF OF GE...OL...OGY".....

Journey To The Center Of The Earth (1959)......remains as much of a richly imagined treat now as it was when it first dazzled us as a Jurassic-era little sci fi fanboy.......

           Whenever a major movie studio decided to lavish its A-Plus treatment on a sci-fi/fantasy project, the film became a major event.......and it benefited from all the perks a prime studio offering......big stars, top-of-the-line special effects, expensive, lush production values and splashy publicity from the studio's marketing team......

            As examples, consider MGM's 1956 "Forbidden Planet" and 20th Century Fox's 1951 "The Day The Earth Stood Still". 

             Fox went to the Jules Verne novel for its next spectacular and of course produced it in glorious Cinemascope and Color By Deluxe........and best of all, recruited one of the most gifted of all film composers, Bernard Herrmann to score the film. 

             Herrmann's pounding, majestic main title theme prepared audiences for the ambitiously produced adventure that follows.  

              In the usual style of 50's filmmaking, the movie takes its own sweet time to unfold its story of Professor Lindenbrook (James Mason), and his perilous descent into the center of the earth........along with his young student/assistant (Pat Boone, cast to attract teenagers), a contentious widow (Arlene Dahl, a generic diva) and the most fascinating expedition member, a towering Icelandic man-mountain (the extremely Nordic Peter Ronson, who went on to participate in the 1960 Olympics )

                But wait! There's villainy afoot......in the form of a rival subterranean explorer, the evil Count Sarknussemm, an imperious toad perfectly embodied by Thayer David, a busy young character actor just starting his long career of playing similar oily reptiles......(you might remember him from 'Dark Shadows' or the sinister boxing promoter in 'Rocky')

                Speaking of reptiles, this may be the one and only movie whose use of fin-festooned iguanas to play dinosaurs didn't make us cringe.  The little lizards do a fine job pretending they're massive, slithering monsters......

                The make-believe dinos and all of the rest of the  film's special effects sequences are given a incalculable power boost by the Bernard Herrmann score, which heaves and growls and murmurs throughout the film. 

                 Even with Herrmann accentuating the danger and wonder, we should point out the movie does maintain a healthy sense of humor, particularly in the scenes  where Mason's  pompous professor clashes with Dahl's practical but hot-tempered widow.........(not for a moment do you doubt these two will end up together before 'The End' appears on the screen)

                As all the ongoing horrors of 2020 still run rampant among us (Covid-19, Trump, etc, etc) we highly recommend a comforting, thrilling and lively excursion to the center of the earth.  (.....but beware that giant red chameleon hiding in the ruins of Atlantis.....)

                  4 stars (****)......BQ says book your trip soon. 

'LADY ON A TRAIN'.....THE RELUCTANT SWEETHEART....

 Lady On A Train (1945)    Here's a BQ confession we fear will outrage many classic movie fans.....

                With few exceptions, (like the the living goddess Gene Tierney), we never cared much for 1940's actresses.......and hardly ever re-watch their films.

                 Maybe it was the clothes of the era......the clunky shoes, the formidable shoulder-padded dresses, the impossibly complicated hairstyles, frequently topped off with ugly, garish hats. 

                 A matter of personal taste, we guess......but that's just us. 

                 Which brings us to Deanna Durbin, the legendary American Sweetheart, wildly popular and much beloved by movie audiences and world leaders from Winston Churchill to Benito Mussolini.......

                 Another true confession......this is the first Durbin movie we've ever seen in her triumphant 12 year film career of 22 feature films.  Longing for the  anonymity of a private life, she walked away from Hollywood at age 27, leaving behind a vast amount of devoted fans. 

                In Durbin's visible discomfort with movie super-stardom, we think we understand the very core of her appeal.......

                She really and truly was the girl next door America envisioned........good natured, polite, pretty without being intimidatingly beautiful and gifted with a trilling soprano voice suitable for Sunday afternoon recitals in the family living room. 

                 We've only seen this one film to judge her on, but from everything we've read, her work in "Lady On A Train" typified  her performances......in that she pleasantly wandered through her movies like a prom queen starring in her high school musical......who seemed to have a good enough time but couldn't wait to be somewhere else.

                   She reigned as Universal Studio's rival sweetheart to MGM's resident cutie-pie Judy Garland......but unlike the much troubled Garland, a born performer with aching vulnerability, the calm, collected practical Durbin gave just enough of herself to entertain the crowds while envisioning a life outside the spotlight. 

                 And "Lady On A Train"?  It functions well as a lighter-than-air, breezy comedy mystery that casts Durbin as a society heiress who witnesses the murder of a wealthy industrialist.........and then conducts a slapstick, amateur night investigation of the victim's family with the help of a befuddled mystery novelist. (David Bruce) 

                 Most of the time, it's plenty of fun, with all the expected snappy patter and gags, except when it's forced to come to a grinding halt to let Durbin warble some tunes....(including, strangely, a rendition of "Silent Night sung into a phone....)

                  And with the mystery solved and the killer revealed (something of a funny twist, considering who's cast in the role), Durbin's married to Bruce, with the ever so subtle, understated promise of actual sex (!)......but unlike the final suggestive train shot in "North By Northwest", the train in "Lady On A Train" does not go rocketing into a tunnel.....hey, come on.....it's a frickin' Deanna Durbin movie after all.....

                   After a few more films, Durbin bid farewell to the movies and never looked back. 

                    We honestly can't say this was the grievous loss of a great talent.......and nothing in 'Lady On A Train', a passible, 2 & 1/2 star (**1/2) trifle,  would give us the slightest interest in watching any other of Durbin's films.

                   With, as far we could tell, minimal effort, she did entertained millions.......and in true show biz style, left them wanting more that she was no longer prepared to give. 

                  Deanna......we hardly knew ye.....

                   

'SPREE'......INSTA-CREEP RULES ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA......

 Spree (2020)   This movie seems so inevitable, it's a wonder it wasn't thought of sooner......

               Not that the dark abyss rabbit-hole world of social media has been ignored.....fledgling indie filmmakers used it mostly as a springboard for horror....("Unfriended", "Friend Request") or suspense ("Searching")........

                "Spree" may be the first of these films to cast a cold satirical eye on the generation of media obsessed You-Tubers and Instagramers who validate their lives and their self-worth by the number of hits on their sites and videos. 

                 The film presents us with Kurt Kunkle (Joe Keery of "Stranger Things"), who's a stitched together amalgam of Robert DeNiro's two iconic celebrity-addicted psychos, Rupert Pupkin of "The King Of Comedy" and Travis Bickle of "Taxi Driver".

                 Kurt struggles mightily to join the ranks of social media 'influencers' , but the fact that he's unfunny, pathetic  and desperately obnoxious keeps his on line audience in single digits. 

                In a stroke of inspiration, Kurt becomes a rideshare driver, outfits his car with multiple webcams and proceeds to brutally murder his unlucky passengers.....(whom the movie depicts  as all  self-absorbed jerks who had it coming anyway,  as repulsive as Kurt himself.....

               And Kurt also adds to his 15 minutes of fame by killing off the object of his most jealous rages, the social media superstar whom Kurt used to babysit.

                Furiously paced and energized by Keery's manic performance, director Eugene Kotylarenko splatters the screen with multiple images..........not only of Kurt's allnight rampage but the expected non-stop flood of comments from hundreds of trolls who now flock to watch Kurt pile up dead bodies on his live stream.......

               Ultimately, the movie simply wears you with its hammered-home overkill....(both the movie's and Kurt's) until you want scream, "Enough....enough.....we get it already...."    

               But we did enjoy the idea of Kurt finally meeting karma at the hands of his new obsession, the savvy, whip smart stand-up comedian Jessie Adams (deftly played by 'Saturday Night Live' alumnus Zasheer Zamata).

              You'll have to decide for yourselves how much of this overly repetitive stuff you can tolerate, especially since the film makes its point in the first 15 minutes of a 90 minute running time........on the other hand, anyone really into the mad, mad world of vloggers might want to view it a second time to catch all those troll comments.......2 & 1/2 stars (** 1/2)

               

'THE BAD AND THE BEAUTIFUL'.......HOLLYWOOD DOES HOLLYWOOD

 The Bad And The Beautiful (1952)    We'd usually categorize movies about movies under Guilty Pleasures That Nobody In Their Right Mind Should Take Seriously......

                 (We had one hell of time writing that category on the tab of  a file folder......)

                 Nevertheless, we could never resist any movie where Hollywood casts a jaundiced, cynical eye on its own people and practices........(we secretly smirk at the idea that these filmmakers think anyone outside their bubbled community could give a rat's ass about abused starlets, venal studio chiefs and tempestuous movie stars and their director-mentors.......)

                  Well......we guess we do get a royal kick out of watching all their bitchy, gossip-y crap unfold on the big screen......in the same we get a kick out of baby back ribs and french fries.......

                   "The Bad And The Beautiful" is generally considered a semi-classic in this highly specialized genre........telling about, almost entirely in flashbacks, the rise and fall of Jonathan Shields (Kirk Douglas at his jaw-clenching best) a fanatically driven producers and studio chief.

                     Shields is presented to us in the mold of all the iconic studio bosses, David O. Selznick, Jack Warner, Harry Cohn, Louis B. Mayer........in that he loves making movies more than life itself but personally, he's a conniving, backstabbing son of a bitch without a friend in the world......(and with good reasons)

                      And you know Shields is exactly like his much reviled late studio boss father......he has to pay mourners 11 bucks each to show up at his dad's funeral. ......reminding us of the famous gag about Columbia boss Harry Cohn's well attended burial.....("just goes to show ya.....give the people what they want and they''ll turn out for it....")

                      Shields Jr. remains offscreen during the two present-day sequences that bookend the movie, where his attempts to recruit three old enemies for a new film are met with repulsed contempt.

                       The enemies convene in front of their current mogul (Walter Pidgeon) who leads them into long flashbacks detailing each of their tortured histories with the soul-less, single minded Shields.

                       There's the southern-fried Pulitzer winning novelist (Dick Powell) brought out to  Hollywood to adapt his book and  toting his ditzy southern belle wife  (Gloria Grahame(......then there's the brilliant director (Barry Sullivan) once thrown under the bus by Shields) and finally the centerpiece, the stunning but deeply neurotic movie goddess (Lana Turner), whom Shields turned into a steely superstar by intimidation and finally, rejection. 

                      Fans of Hollywood lore, myths and history can have a ball matching these fictional characters to all the real people that they're obviously drawn from. We won't even throw out the names since that would spoil the fun of doing it yourself while you watch the film unfold. 

                     At this point, we should address the many reviews and articles that compare this film to "Citizen Kane",,,,,,(in its flashback laden structure and its depiction of a ruthlessly ambitious, larger than life figure undone by his own reckless, hubris-filled pursuit of power and achievement....)

                    We wouldn't push the comparisons too far......as entertaining as it is, "The Bad..." is no Kane......director Vincente Minelli was something of a visual stylist himself, but he's just telling a pulply, soap opera-ish story here, he's not re-inventingany revolutionary cinema grammar here.....

                     Many, many familiar faces fill out the teeming supporting cast......but we simply must point out the best of them.....Ned Glass  (later the exasperated adult in "West Side Story"),shines in a side-splitting role as a special effects costumer slapping together woeful 'Cat Men' outfits for a low budget horror film....

                      After over 2 hours of various betrayals, cruelties, tantrums, and psychological abuse, the film's best moment (and its best comment on Hollywood folk)  arrives in its final shot......an almost too perfect way to end this story (and way ahead of its time for the amount of dry wit on display)

                     But you won't hear it from us.......we suggest you hop on the tour bus to Shields studio and find out for yourselves .All aboard......4 stars (****)

                 

'IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA'.....HARRYHAUSEN'S OCTOPUSSY

 It Came From Beneath The Sea (1955).......marked the beginning of over a quarter century collaboration between special effects genius Ray Harryhausen and producer Charles H Schneer....

           Schneer learned well how to squeeze maximum impact out of the miniscule budgets that studios allotted to science fiction and horror films.......since his co-producer on "It Came.." was the legendary master of cheapo-cheeseball movies, Sam Katzman.

          So for the next 26 years, the amazing Harryhausen single handedly created his wondrous menagerie of stop-motion creatures under the tight budgets negotiated by Schneer........the partnership finally got to enjoy the luxury of working on the lavish scale of a  major studio film with the last epic they made together, 1981's "Clash Of The Titans"......

           Back in the black-and-white 1950's, however, no penny spent on a monster movie went un-pinched.... .......therefore the Harryhausen giant octopus that lays waste to San Francisco had to cut corners to save some bucks.....and lose a couple of tentacles, knocking it down to six.

            Fortunately for Harryhausen and Schneer, nobody who sent to see a movie about a giant octopus tearing down the Golden Gate bridge and squishing fleeing pedestrians would notice the monster's actually a Hexapus......(we just love typing out Hexapus......it sounds like a pet Harry Potter kept at Hogwarts....)

             Take it from the BQ, as a child watching this, we sat riveted, scared and thrilled out of our little mind as Ray's tentacled wonder hugged an atomic sub, gobbled up a merchant ship and poked its six appendages into the streets of San Francisco.........

              And let's salute the mighty trio who do battle with the "It"........ that stalwart, veteran monster-basher Kenneth Tobey ("The Thing From Another World" and "The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms
.......that sultry-eyed girlfriend of Howard Hughes, Faith Domergue (who's presented as a feisty independent scientist until she shrieks her head off at the sight of the first tentacle)......and lastly, providing the third part of a romantic triangle that the film never really explores, Donald Curtis, playing Faith's fellow scientist who behaves like a Clark Kent still searching for his Lois Lane. 

              After this film, Ray Harryhausen and Charles H. Schneer never looked back and pumped out a lifetime of classic films that dazzled the eyes and captured the imagination of multiple generations....(many of whom were inspired to pursue careers in fantasy filmmaking. .....

               And imagine this......unlike the sci-fi films of today, they did it all with painfully modest amounts of money and technical resources........

               Watching "It Came From Beneath The Sea", you won't have to sit through a 15 minute credit crawl of 987 CGI artists.  All of its special effects come from the meticulous craft and creativity of one man, Ray Harryhausen.  

                 And that, for us, makes the movie a forever 5 star (*****) FIND OF FINDS.

'ROBERT B. PARKER'S ANGEL EYES'.....SPENSER IN LA LA LAND.....

 Robert B. Parker's Angel Eyes by Ace Atkins (2019)    Hmmmmmm......

            That's always the tentative reaction we have whenever we approach one of these 'continuation' books........ where Ace Atkins creates new adventures for the late Robert B. Parker's tough, tender and ultra-witty Boston private eye, Spenser.

              We dearly love Parker's original Spenser novels and despite all our misgivings, we wouldn't dare miss Atkins' mostly worthy attempts to keep the series going, doing his very best to reproduce Parker's terse, spare, dialogue-driven style. 

                 Atkins achieves varying degrees of success and failure doing this.  Reviewing his Spenser books becomes like judging one of the Saturday Night Live cast member's celebrity impressions. 

                 In other words......how close does he come to the real thing. 

                 One thing he definitely overdoes - Spenser's penchant for sharp pungent one line zingers when dealing with clients, suspects, cops, thugs and his long time lady love, the supremely sexy shrink, Susan Silverman. 

                  Parker knew exactly how to calibrate and ration out Spenser's well-timed wisecracks.  Atkins floods the book and the character with non-stop gags, as if his version of Spenser is relentlessly trying out his stand-up comedy act.  It's wearying after a while and lot of Atkins' stuff is simply not that funny. 

                   Atkins, being a veteran mystery writer of his own original books, does do a fine job of plotting out Spenser's trip to L.A. in search of a disappeared starlet. 

                   Before it's all over, the sardonic gumshoe encounters just about everything you'd expect him to come up against in Tinseltown........egotistical repulsive movie studio moguls using and abusing young actresses, slimy agents, a sinister cult holding its deluded members captive......and as an extra bonus, a pile of murderous, rampaging Armenian gangsters.

                  Of course, none of the above phase Spenser in the least. With some punching, some shooting and his perpetual stream of verbal bon mots, he eventually gets to the bottom of everything.....even as the bodies pile up all over town. 

                    We realize a pitch perfect imitation of Parker isn't in the cards. Parker was Parker and Atkins is Atkins, a different writer altogether, no matter how hard he struggles to bring Spenser back to life. 

                    In this latest installment, we think Atkins did the best job he could do in that regard......and we freely admit to enjoying Spenser back in action, confounding friends, enemies and frenemies with his trademark, rapid fire repartee.  

                     .....which makes for a fun, super fast read. 3 stars (***)

'THE NAKED AND THE DEAD'......AN EARLIER 'PLATOON'.....WITH THE SAME ETERNAL CLASHES.....

 The Naked And The Dead (1958)   We'll not waste a second laboring through descriptions of how much Hollywood had to homogenize, weaken and water down all the raw, profane fury of Norman Mailer's best selling novel of World War 2.

            Unlike movie studios, novelists didn't have to adhere to the infamous nabobs of the Production Code, who carefully monitored levels of sex, violence and bad language in movies.

            Therefore any film adaptation of any racy, steamy, dramatically daring  or violent best seller was bound for castration and disembowelment before it ever went before a camera.

            "The Naked and the Dead", which follows the exploits of a beleaguered army unit in the brutal Pacific campaign, was no exception. But in fairness to its veteran director Raoul Walsh, it featured combat sequences as bloody and graphic as any late 1950's studio film could get away with. 

             All the Hollywood World War 2 tropes stay in place here, such as tipping you off ahead of time as to which of the likable recruits aren't going to make it to the end of the film......

             What still resonates after all these years:  the primary theme the film hammers away at - the chasm between the people who've been dehumanized by war and the people who struggle to hold on to their decency and morality as the very barbaric nature of war serves to strip those human qualities away from them.......

              The story also dabbles in the disconnect between the commanding officers who only see their troops in the abstract (as cannon fodder) and those officers who see them as flesh and blood individuals who end up with their flesh shredded and their blood spilled, based on command decisions.

             But on the front lines, the primary clash here comes between the ferocious Sgt. Croft (Aldo Ray) and his platoon leader, the all too civilized and reasonable Lt. Hearn (Cliff Robertson).

              War (and an unfaithful bimbo wife) has turned Croft into a rampaging monster.......he executes prisoners, collects their gold teeth and isn't above betraying Hearn while on a dangerous mission to scout out Japanese encampments.  (You can think of him as a more Hollywood sanitized version of Tom Berenger's scarred-on-the-inside-and-out Sgt. Barnes from Oliver Stone's "Platoon".....)

                Cliff Robertson's hapless Hearn is forced to fight  three enemies.......the Japanese, the vicious Croft and his own superior, the cold, unfeeling General Cummings (Raymond Massey) who prefers to instill fear and loathing in his own troops. 

                 All of these weighty issues play out amid all the cornball stereotypes that we've come to expect in vintage war movies......but that doesn't make the film any less fascinating to watch. 

                There's stellar work here from a load of young talents who found their  ultimate niche as well known, busy character actors (L.Q. Jones, James Best, William Campbell, Richard Jaeckel, and even the deadpan comedian Joey Bishop)

                  It's hard to hold any sympathy for Aldo Ray's character, even when he's cuckolded by....who else but Barbara Nichols, adding to her extensive gallery of floozies.......

                  And let's not finish this post without mentioning the movie kicks off with  one hell of a whambam militaristic main title theme by  master maestro Bernard Herrmann.....very similar to the pounding ominous overwhelming brass sounds he'll use later in 1963's "Jason And The Argonauts".

                  Though Hollywood-ized for your protection (so we can well understand why Mailer despised it) "The Naked And The Dead" still remains something to see if you savor those huge studio attempts to chew ever so softly on heavy issues......2 & 1/2 stars (** 1/2)

'THE GOLDEN ARROW'.....THE THIEF OF BAG-TAB

The Golden Arrow (1962)    Leave it to the tirelessly prolific director Antonio Margheriti (a.k.a. 'Anthony Dawson' ) to come up with a one-of-kind screwball kids fantasy film that straddles the major shift of genres in Italian cinema. 

               By the early 60's, the Hercules 'sword and sandal' movies were reaching the end of the line and Italian filmmakers (including Margheriti) turned to variety of alternative genres......science fiction, bloody murder mysteries (a.k.a. 'giallos'), and of course our all time fave, imitation James Bond ripoffs.....

             "The Golden Arrow" fits none of those categories.......it's an all out, sometime spectacular attempt at a fairy tale-like fantastical Arabian Nights adventure, along of the lines of the original British 1940 "The Thief Of Bagdad" or even the 1958 Ray Harryhausen special effects extravaganza, "The 7th Voyage Of Sinbad".

                 Armed with a script cobbled together by no less than five writers, the movie plunders multiple sources for its fractured mythologies......so everything but the kitchen sink floats around in the plot,,,,,,the titular magical arrow, its unbendable bow and a generous helping of genies and flying carpets.

                 Fronting all this nonsense is our very own all-American golden boy Tab Hunter (you could imagine all the other down-on-their-luck California actors he beat out for this role, including Leonardo DiCaprio's 'Rick Dalton' character from "Once Upon A Time In Hollywood"....)

               Unlike other American actors who wandered into European films, Tab didn't stick around to re-dub his own dialogue, so his lines here were replaced by one of those typical, generic radio-announcer voice artists.......A damn shame too, since hearing Tab's distinctive beach-party voice might have added to the overall fun.

                 Yes, silly as this movie is (and we're talkin' seriously silly) it's a whole lotta fun to watch if you're willing to view it like an easily amused 13 year old.......a demographic we happened to fall into at the time of the film's release. 

                Our fab Tab, in his quest for the golden arrow and the hand of a hot princess (Rosanna Podesta) battles palace guards, his own bandit gang and assorted evil wizards, Viziers and fiery flame monsters. (You'll have to sit through the movie to truly appreciate fiery flame monsters.....)

               As the Tab-ulator visits various lost mythical kingdoms (beautifully rendered, by the way), he's sometimes aided by a Three Stooges collection of bickering genies, who can do all sorts of cool stuff like freeze time and drop coconuts on people's heads while their parked in palm trees.

                 You certainly don't want to miss the bonkers finale, in which Tab and the genies, piloting magic carpets, wage aerial warfare on an entire desert army........(the genies, we kid you not, bombard them with pottery.....and no, you're not imagining that Tab's carpet makes the sound of jet aircraft. It really does......)

                  And composer Mario Nascimbene's rich, heavily choral score gets into the spirit of things with dreamy music and practically plays non-top throughout the film. 

                  We won't bother with quibbling complaints about the low comedy hams playing the genies or the very, very obvious blue screen effects for the flying carpets. Hey, you either enjoy this movie for what it is, or stay away from it altogether. 

                  Other than amused and annoyed at the terrible dubbing of Tab Hunter, we giggled  and smiled all the way through this one. It's a silly 60's oddity but it more than delivers what it promises.

                 And just like Disney's Aladdin, Tab's dashing Hassan lives up to those lines in the song....."a hundred bad guys with swords.....he sent them all to their lords...."   3 stars (***) 

                

'HARUM SCARUM'......ELVIS ROCKS THE CASBAH.....

 Harum Scarum (1965)........this film by itself, one of the most negligible, silly and embarrassing in Elvis Presley's Hollywood career, is hardly worth discussing in detail.....

                But if nothing else, the movie, as dismal as a star vehicle can get, stands as a telling monument to the machinations of 'Col'. Tom Parker, Elvis's nefarious wheeling dealing manager......(soon to be played by Tom Hanks in an upcoming film.)

                 Parker spent half a lifetime milking the cash cow that was Elvis Presley, with the never ending stream of money spurting from concerts, records albums........and quickie, throwaway movies whose soundtracks could provide even more moola flowing into Parker's coffers.

                And herein lay Parker's hugest flaw......he saw the Elvis movies as nothing more than soundtrack generating entities.......he couldn't have cared less about their scripts or overall quality. As long his cash cow did the least required of him for these films.....kiss a few girls, punch a few bullies and most importantly, sing a pile 'o songs for that all-important album.

                 So the movies, one after the other,  turned out mechanical and lifeless.  And even most of the songs were just as bad, written like the composers intentionally planned them to become forgettable.

                  'Harum Scarum' scraped rock bottom for the Elvis vehicles, placing him the middle of a modern day Arabian adventure presented like a  tired TV comedy skit version of one of those 1950's Tony Curtis/Piper Laurie Arabian nights swashbucklers.

                    Visually, it's pathetic......filmed on MGM backlots and sparsely decorated with furniture and props left over from whatever was left in the crumbling studio warehouses. Presley duly trouped through it all, mumbling his lines and barely matching his lips his pre-recordings of the desultory, dreary songs he's forced to sing every 8 minutes or so. 

                     Any high points?  For the few guys dragged to this movie by their dates, there was the eye candy of former Miss America Mary Ann Mobley (as an Arabian princess, no less) and nightclub singer Fran Jeffries as some sort of Femme Fatale in the story's loony plot. 

                    Low points? Basically everything else......and truly sinking into the abyss with a bizarre musical number featuring a ten year old girl wiggling her hips like a harem babe while Elvis sings to her.......a sequence only 'Lolita's Humbert Humbert could love. 

                    The real auteur of 'Harum Scarum' is Col Tom Parker........everything about this misbegotten mess came from Parker's short-sighted schemes  to squeeze every last buck out of Elvis Presley's career........ and to Parker, the movie was nothing but collateral damage left over after its soundtrack was extracted for further profits. 

                    Zero stars. (0).  If Presley had ever found an astute, savvy creative manager to  negotiate and package his film projects, there's no telling what heights he might have hit. We can think of least one....remembering how Parker's greedy maneuverings blew Presley's chance to co-star with Barbra Streisand in her re-make of "A Star Is Born".

                   Sad, sad, sad.

                   

'AGENT Z 55 DESPERATE MISSION'.....EUROSPY GUY VS. OUR FAVORITE HENCHMAN

 

Agent Z 55 Desperate Mission (1965)    Considering how much BQ loves, loves, loves cheesy 1960's 'Eurospy' Bond imitations, we're long overdue in covering one.......

                 We picked this one 'cause it's one of our faves in this nutball genre......it's got all the fixins' for a perfect trashy, pulpy, ridiculous co-production trying to cash on the 007 craze that swept the world in the mid 60's......plus a few extra bonuses that you didn't normally see in these films.....

                So let's start right at the beginning.....

                Jazzy faux-Bond music......pounding away during the credits, and punctuated with gunfire. Yay!

                Our faux-Connery hero......is rough 'n tumble American agent Z 55  a.k.a. Danny O' Connor played by German Cobos.( or 'Jerry Cobb' as he's billed in the posters)  Quick with his fists and gun and can take several hundred punches without slowing down.....he's the Energizer Bunny in a suit and tie.....

                 Femme Fatales!   Two of 'em .....a non-entity generic blonde who moves around like a slightly ambulatory department store dummy.....and a special bonus:  the always exquisite, delicately gorgeous Yoko Tani, who always set our hearts aflutter in whatever Euro-junk she appeared in.....(and her filmography's loaded with mostly euro-junk.....)

                 Villains!   Two bonuses here for us lovers of Euro-Bad Guys.....the doughy, squishy Gianni Rizzo, who looks like Nero about to set Rome on fire and plied his evil-ness in every pulpy genre (sword 'n sandal Peplums, spaghetti westerns, etc, )  And best of all, that roly poly, bald-pated Eurasian man-mountain Milton Reid, who turned up as non-speaking henchmen in everything from "55 Days At Peking" to "The Spy Who Loved Me"   As far as we know, 'Desperate Mission' is the only film that gave Mighty Milt a major supporting role.....with dialogue even!

                   The Mission!   Come on now, it's a Eurospy movie......does anyone give a rat's ass?  Our boy Z-55's trying to rescue a nuclear scientist from all the opposing minions working for Rizzo and Reid.  Multiple shootouts and punch-ups ensue. That's all you need to know......

                   The Action !  Plentiful and brutal. Z 55 gets pounded on about every five minutes, especially in vicious fights with Reid, but he gives back as good as he gets.......and let's have a moment of silence for the poor guy who get tossed down a shaft and then mashed by a 20 ton rock crushing hammer that follows him down.....ouchy.

                 The Armadillo!  Uh.....say what now? This may be the movie's strangest attempt to mimic a Bond film. Like Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Gianni Rizzo's character has a beloved pet too.....yes, an armadillo. And personally, we couldn't take our eyes off the little fellow as he happily waddled around Rizzo's desk......

                  All of this stuff adds up to a top-notch addition to this genre we adore.......(and we're well aware that some folks might find these films silly, worthless and not worth their time....)

                  To us, though, these movies made gave our adolescence and young adulthood a lot of extra fun.....and as Z 55 straps on his automatic, smooches a babe and and smacks down a bad guy, we're always right there with him. 

                    Mission accomplished. 3 stars (***)