This also almost always holds true for the BQ's beloved daughter......except for any bloated tentpoles that might include her current crush, Scott Eastwood, the young actor who looks like he was cloned directly from one of his father's cheekbones......
So off we went together to a late afternoon screening of "The Fate Of The Furious", the 8th film in the fabulously successful action of series about street racing car thieves turned international world-savers......
It mattered not that the heavily attended matinee unspooled for dozens of families who brought along screaming, squawking infants......the film's soundtrack, consisting of revving engines and massive explosions, easily drowned them out......shriek all you want, you little bastards, you're no match for Vin Diesel in a nuclear souped-up sportscar.......
Before the movie even started, the AMC multiplex exacted its stern punishments on its helpless patrons......a large selection of commercials we'd already seen a hundred times on television.....and then the multiplex version of waterboarding, a non-stop assault of summer movie trailers, all of them interchangable in their display of computer generated monsters, robots, explosions and general destruction......the only thing missing from them....a huge 'wait for Netflix' tag at the end of each one.....
We were just about to drop to our hands and knees and scream "Mercy!" to the projectionist when the movie itself started. We won't make any attempt to rationalize what we saw in terms of movie criticism.......it would as useless as applying artistic standard to an oncoming tsunami. You simply sit back and let it wash over you......
A few random BQ observations:
A moment of silence for the passing of innocent New York City drivers......who no doubt were crushed to death or burned alive in their cars during the film's riotous first apocalyptic demolition derby in Manhattan......I know we're not supposed to give them a moment's thought...it's their own damn fault for getting in the way of our Furious gang trying to corral their wayward leader Diesel, who's fallen in with fast-typing arch-hacker Charlize Theron.....
Speaking of Charlize.......We suppose Cyber-Psychos are the last politically safe villains that action movies can employ......we can feel free to despise them regardless of their race, nationality or gender. Not only soulless killers.....but killer keyboardists, too. If we typed as fast as Charlize when doing our Amazon order, we would have accidentally ended up with 300 copies of the 'La La Land' blu-ray....
Kurt Russell as 'Mr.Nobody'......the annoyingly jocular government operative gets a much-insulted mini-me this time around, played by Eastwood The Younger. As for Russell, if his character appeared in a Quentin Tarantino movie.....Samuel L.Jackson would have already shot him dead just to shut him up......
We thought we heard Fidel Castro rolling in his grave.....at the sight of a Fast and Furious car chase careening through the Cuban streets. JFK and the CIA couldn't quite bring off invading Cuba......but leave it to Vin Diesel and Universal Studios to bring good old-fashioned kickass American chaos to those commie streets overloaded with '58 Chevy Impalas......
When does the Rock Vs. Jason Statham movie happen? Now there's a 'Clash Of The Titans' we'd pay to see.......even if does greatly tick off a jealous Vin Diesel. And don't forget to throw in Dame Helen Mirren and Luke Evans as Statham's mum and bro......the three of them together make the Krays look like the Teletubbies......
The multiplex house lights finally brightened.....and the film's eternal credit crawl commenced..(for all we know, it might still not have finished...)....sorry, but we left the theater before reading the names of the 6,000 CGI people who sent digital cars flying around like Times Square confetti. But the BQ did laugh and smile frequently......which is what we think the 'Furious' franchise really wants out of its audiences now. The films have become like a higher-tech version of the Roger Moore Bond movies, with increasingly ridiculous, guffaw-inducing stunts. We can't wait to see the 9th movie stage its car chases on the moon.....perhaps crashing into the International Space Station on their way there.......in the meantime, we'll rev up 3 Guilty Pleasure stars for 'Fate' (***).....we love that these guys never have to whip out their AAA road service cards......
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