'CHANDLER'......YET ANOTHER MGM-AUBREY ESCAPEE.....

 Chandler (1971)    We've now viewed more than few of these misbegotten MGM whats-its that crawled out the wreckage of MGM while it was briefly under the destructive thumb of James T. Aubrey, the 'smiling cobra' reptilian executive.

               Surprisingly, we can't lay the blame on Aubrey's meddling for this movie......a decidedly odd stab at making a broad daylight, contemporary film noir. 

\             Because we don't think the Cobra's tampering with this movie did anything to harm it. The damn thing was stillborn to begin with. 

                Two years after 'Chandler's release, Robert Altman made "The Long Goodbye", exactly the kind of movie the 'Chandler' filmmakers failed to bring off......a clever collision of 1940's Private Eye cynical toughness with the casually hip lifestyles of modern day California.

               The 'Chandler' team seemed to be going for the remote, style-conscious airs of a French New Wave film....(a la "Breathless"). We think.......but who knows?

                 In that regard, the screenplay's plot remains deliberately obtuse, vague and unknowable. The filmmakers didn't much care what it's about, one way or the other.   (There are villainous characters, but who they are, what they want and why they want it are barely explained.....)

                  So here we have weary P.I. Chander ( Warren Oates), who's just quit a numbing, mindless job as a security guard, hired to shadow a mysterious French woman (Leslie Caron, 40 at the time and still stunning). 

                   For reasons known only to the filmmakers and not to the audience, two sinister powerful executives (Gordon Pinset, Mitchell Ryan) and a garrulous government agent of some sort (Newsman turned actor Alex Dreier) want to constantly rough up and kidnap Caron. 

                 Hence our gumshoe Chandler becomes, naturally, the enigmatic woman's protector and savior.......we guess. 

                  A movie like this, in order to justify its generic opaqueness, would need creative, dazzling visuals to make it worth your while......

                    "Chandler" lacks any such required stylings. It's shot flatly with no imagination, like a TV episode where all the exposition pages were ripped out of the script.  Oates, normally the most resourceful of scene-stealing actors, gets nothing to work with here.......and Leslie Caron looks blank and  baffled about ending up in this movie after her stellar career in MGM musicals.

                    Of all the aborted, sliced and diced, and ruined movies that came out of James Aubrey's hellish reign, we doubt if even an uncut, untampered version of "Chandler" would have been any better than what's left on view here. 

                   A nothing of a movie, going nowhere fast. We were tempted to hand out a Zero, but we'll upgrade it to 1 star (*) for all the veteran, welcome familiar faces that pop up in the supporting cast....Gloria Grahame, Richard Loo, Walter Burke, and the always growly Charles McGraw. 

                  Nice seeing those folks. They all deserved a better movie.

                

'BATTLE BENEATH THE EARTH'.....ATTN QANON QUAZIES! CHINA'S RIGHT UNDERNEATH YOU!

 Battle Beneath The Earth (1967)   We're not kidding with the subtitle for this post.......

              If we showed this movie to Trump's QAnon morons, they'd think it was a live stream coming from Marjorie Taylor Greene......

              How could they not love it?  It's a conspiracy theory loony's wet dream.......the dastardly Chinese have dug a tunnel underneath the entire width of the Pacific Ocean to sneak in and wipe us out!

              And it isn't COVID-19 or fresh hot eggrolls they're bringing along.......they're chuggin' a trackless train full of atomic bombs!

               Who's leading this insidious invasion?  Dr. No?  Fu Manchu?  Wo Fat from the original "Hawaii Five-O?  Hunter Biden?

                Oh no....it's the evil, inscrutable General Chan Lu, played by British actor Martin Benson (the gangster stuck in the crushed car from "Goldfinger"). In true 1960's un-woke style, he's been Oriental-ized to resemble Joseph Wiseman's Dr. No and he's just as badass. 

                General Lu enjoys executing his own minions during the Long March through the tunnel to deliver nuclear winter to the U.S. of A.  Even worse, he's brought along a hot babe hypnotist to turn our upstanding American boys into China zombies!

                 Holy wontons, is there anyone who can save us?

                 Breathe a sigh of relief, folks.......cause here comes Commander Jonathon Shaw and he's played by that Harryhausen monster killer Kerwin Mathews.  

                  The Ker-meister and his hardy band of G.I.'s are more than up for wandering around the paper mache tunnels and hunting down those crafty Chinese faster than the neighborhood termite exterminators. 

                 Much machine gun fire and disarming of A-bombs ensue.......cause obviously the Ker-inator knows that pure firepower will work much better than cancelling trade agreements. 

                  Not one for short measures, Ker-Boy leaves one of the Chinese bombs activated.......and he and his sultry tag along gal pal manage to find a quick  convenient exit out of caves supposedly deep underneath the Pacific coast.....

                  They make it out just in time to share a romantic clutch in front of a beautiful, scenic view of that China bomb blossoming in all its mushroom-y goodness.......that Kerwin, what a guy.

                   We'll stop now, since we're running the risk of making this movie sound a lot more wildly action packed than it actually is. Keep in mind, "Battle Beneath The Earth" was a low, low budgeted thing designed for the bottom half of double features......so don't approach this thinking it's equivalent to one of those frenzied Marvel CGI-fests.

                    For nostalgic movie buffs like us, it still retains a wonderfully colorful, pulpy comic book vibe........and trust us, nobody, but nobody else thought to put out a movie that turned the phrase "digging your way to China' upside down......literally.

                   3 stars (***).  For any QAnon Quazies and Trumpists who might be reading this.....Yes! The movie's real!  Check under your lawn! Check your basement!  They're here!  With bombs loaded with the ChinaVirus and babies freshly cooked by Hilary!

'THE SWARM'.....THERE'S NO BUZZ-NESS LIKE SHOW BUZZ-NESS.....

 The Swarm (1978)   Very few producer-directors could ever make the same claim to fame as the multi-media shlockmeister  Irwin Allen.......

             In that he kick-started the disaster movie genre (with 1972's 'Poseidon Adventure'), then brought the genre to its absolute delirious heights (with 1974's "The Towering Inferno")........

            .........and then single-handedly killed off the disaster movie craze altogether with a consecutive trio of terrible, embarrassing and unintentionally funny bombs......1979's "Beyond The Poseidon Adventure", 1980's "When Time Ran Out" and the most ludicrous of the bunch, the little timeless item we'll cover today.

            Never was Allen's complete lack of talent as a film director more apparent than in his blundering supervision of "The Swarm", which was essentially nothing but a cheesy sci-fi/horror film with delusions of grandeur.

            All the the major stars in the film (Michael Caine, Richard Widmark, Bradford Dillman, Henry Fonda, Richard Chamberlin, Katherine Ross, Olivia DeHavilland) look uncomfortable and humiliated. 

             As well they should be.

             We can't fault Allen for wanting to make his swarm of African killer bees extra lethal (all it takes are 2 or 3 stings and you're toast)......since every disaster movie worth a damn craves an impressive body count.

            But all his human characters are rendered as cardboard idiots......especially Caine and Widmark, They play ,respectively, an Entemologist who's angrier than the bees and his hated adversary an irascible Army General who wants to wage all-out Bee war.

            In one priceless moment that sums up the whole film, Widmark believes the bees will return to the scene of their last attack to help liberate their captured comrades......(we began to imagine the theme from "The Great Escape" playing through this scene.....)

            As for the bees, bless their pissed-off little hearts, they hate everybody equally and they manage to wipe out hundreds of extras and practically the entire cast,  buzz-bombing into planes, trains, and automobiles.

             At some point, Allen didn't think his cartoonishly animated swarms were scary enough, so he threw in, you guessed it......a big fat giant bee that the sting victims start seeing while they're trippin' from a bad case of Bee PTSD.  That jumbo buzz-baby gives a far more convincing performance than any other members of the cast

              And let's hear it for the uncredited people who snipped off the stingers of 800,000 bees so the little winged hordes could freely crawl over all over the actors. (We only wish those sting-snippers had gotten their names listed in the credits.....maybe under 'Special Defects Courtesy Of.....')

             There's little else to say about "The Swarm", other than its sturdy, propulsive Jerry Goldsmith score.......and the strangely sweet elderly romantic triangle going on between Olivia DeHavilland, old cowboy Ben Johnson and Fred MacMurray.  (You'll almost wish these three had their own little movie to themselves.....with no bees)

             But these characters, like everyone and everything else in Irwin Allen's disaster-verse, are nothing but disposable props waiting around to pump up the death toll.

             In the course of filming, the poor actors noticed their clothing dotted with yellow spots, which turned out were bee bowel movements.  No doubt mortified by their starring roles, the bees took a crap on their human cast mates.  

             Well, everyone's a critic. Having read the script, the bees probably wondered who they'd have to shit on to get out of the movie. 

              Irwin Allen went on to those other wretched productions that ended both his film career and the genre that he rode into the ground.......but at least he ended "The Swarm"s credit crawl with a reminder  that honeybees are really wonderful and vital to our survival on planet Earth. 

              So true.......but we think the bees had the right idea leaving those yellow dots on everyone involved in this movie. Zero stars (0).

              

               

               

              

FRIDAY MADNESS WRAPUP: BQ VS. QANON! WE QUERY THE QUAZY QUACKPOT, MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE!

         

             Yes, you heard that right. Another explosive interview exclusive to this blog......

                 We managed to sneak in to the controversial congresswoman's office by cleverly wearing a "MAKE AMERICA INSANE AGAIN' face mask.

                  Marjorie greeted us with open arms. Here's the unedited transcript......

BQ:  Marjorie, at last we meet!  We came to confess. To turn ourselves in to you, personally.

MTG:  Really?  Confess to what?

BQ:   About the Jewish Space Laser. We did it. It was us. We used it to zap the California forests. We found it in our Uncle Morty's basement. It was in a box he marked "Klingon shit" filled with stuff he bought at the San Diego Comic-Con.

MTG:  I knew it!  I knew somebody like you was behind it.

BQ:   I was actually aiming the thing at the Mar-A-Lago golf course, but I guess my sighting was off. 

MTG:  You miserable Antifa thug. Get out of my office.

BQ:   Just a few questions as long as we're here. Did you really harass one of the Parkland shooting survivors?

MTG:   Oh please, don't give me that 'Parkland' crap. Those school shootings never happened.......it's just a bunch of whiny brats and their parents begging for attention.  You really believe that kid dodged bullets? Get real, he couldn't even dodge me......

BQ:   What about you believing Hilary Clinton murdered JFK Jr.?

MTG:  Of course she did! And I've got evidence she baked kidnapped babies into pizzas.  Anybody with 3 or 4 functioning brain cells knows that's true.....

BQ:  And you've definitely got at least that many brain cells. We know that's true......

MTG:  Listen, you democracy-loving cupcake, I've got over 190 Republicans who voted in support of me!

BQ:  And won't they be happy when they have run for office in 2 years with that vote on their records...

MTG:  Hey, don't kid yourself. They all love me!  It's time to embrace the crazy!

BQ:  We heard you've got the full backing of Baby Orange himself.

MTG:  You're damn tootin'!  He told me I'm his kind of woman........dumb as a rock, racist, anti-semitic and crazier than a rabid racoon.  

BQ: If only he were still President, he'd give you the Medal of Freedom......

MTG:  Hah!  F.Y.I...he DID promise me one of those. Me and the My Pillow guy. And we're both gonna get 'em as soon we launch another insurrection and crown Donald 'His Royal Orange-ness'......

BQ:   Good talk, Margie. We so look forward to seeing you in a straight-jacket one day......

'THE CAREY TREATMENT'......AN EARLY HOUSE CALL FROM DR. CRICHTON

The Carey Treatment (1972)   Here's yet another mistreated, misbegotten 1970's MGM film tampered into oblivion during the toxic reign of studio chief James Aubrey (a.k.a. 'The smiling cobra')

         And like most of the films that suffered under Aubrey's terrible tenure, it was roundly denounced and disowned by its writers and its director, Blake Edwards. (Edwards had already weathered the lethal butchering of his previous MGM effort, 'The Wild Rovers')

          To our surprise, what's left of this trim little thriller after travelling through the Aubrey buzzsaw is a passable fast paced time waster.......and in its own way, a time capsule of 70's attitudes and culture.

           Its origins come from a quickie paperback mystery dashed off by the good doctor himself, Michael Crichton, who pumped out such books to help pay his way through medical school......

           So it's no surprise that our hero here is hot shot pathologist Dr. Peter Carey (James Coburn) , a wolfish. West Coast too-cool-for-school smoothie who's switched over to a Boston hospital, lured by a way fatter salary.

            In no time at all, Carey's conducting his own private investigation to clear a colleague (the ever eternal James Hong) who's been charged with murder. It seems a girl bleeding out from a botched abortion named the poor sucker as the perpetrator before she breathed her last.......and she was no less than the daughter of the hospital's chief surgeon. (Dan O' Herlihy)...yikes

            And keep in mind, this takes place in the horror show era before Roe Vs.Wade.....when girls took to aborting their fetuses with coat hangers.

           Coburn isn't much different than the super spy Derek Flint that he played in those two 1960's Bond-ian imitations. He's still the the smartest guy in the room, instantly collects a hot babe to share his bed and cavalierly interrogates potential suspects as if a police detective's badge came with his medical degree. 

            At one point, he even terrorizes one his interviewees, a pathetic college girl, by taking her on a hair raising car ride on a curving highway.  We can only guess we're not supposed to think badly of Dr. Carey after he's reduced the simpering girl to a hysterical wreck........cause he got some vital info out of her and he's such a cool guy.

           No big surprises unfold here........and the movie settles for a standard action-oriented finale as the revealed villain wreaks all kinds of chaos in the hospital and on Carey himself.  But somewhere along the way, you'll actually hear a character voice the opinion that maybe a woman should have domain over her own body.   Wow....what a concept for 1972........

          We've reviewed any number of 70's film's botched in the Aubrey Dark Ages of MGM, but this one we found close to tolerable........and a bit of a  politically incorrect, un-woke blast from the past in term's of Coburn's sexist, arrogant throughout. 

             If you find 70's films still worth watching, you could do a lot worse than this one - 2 stars (**)

             

'HYSTERIA'......HAMMER-IZED HITCHCOCK.....

Hysteria (1965)  We first encountered this quirky little thriller when we first took on the position of movie buyer for a fledgling video store. (Like most new owners of such stores in the early 1980's the owners knew little or nothing about movies, purchasing their inventories from sheer guesswork.... hence the need for yours truly, the BQ...)

     Three things caught our eye.......first, a Hammer film! From that bustling British horror movie production company whose movies we grew up on....(like Christopher Lee's Dracula and Peter Cushing's Dr. Frankenstein. ) 

           Secondly, this was one of those  occasional efforts where Hammer stepped out its booga-booga comfort zone......no creatures, vampires, zombies, or mummies anywhere in sight.  Simply a swift, modest black and white suspense thriller in a modern contemporary setting. 

            Third, to our pleasant surprise, the movie offered a rare leading role for the stalwart, ruggedly handsome American character actor Robert Webber.  Webber, who always possessed the looks and sound of a leading man, spent decades playing second billed parts, usually villains, straight-laced corporate types or military officers. 

             In "Hysteria" he's 'Chris Smith, a recovering amnesia victim whose unknown, anonymous benefactor has installed him in a beautifully appointed high rise apartment......uh.....to help him recover his memory in fine style. 

             If that premise already sounds far fetched to begin with......well, you're not wrong.

             The script comes courtesy of that tireless, Hammer screenwriting machine, Jimmy Sangster, who pumped out over 75 movie and TV scripts in a career that lasted from 1956 to 2000. (As someone who's labored on plays and screenplays ourselves, this guy's always been one of our heroes......and a role model for sheer proficiency and output. No writer's block for Jimmy, that's for sure......)

             But back to our plot.......even ensconced in his new luxury digs, our boy Chris struggles to piece together his fractured memory. Something screwy is afoot, though. What's up with those sounds of a furiously squabbling couple coming from the empty apartment next door?

             And who's that mysterious, elusive woman (Lelia Goldoni) popping in from time to time......the one previously thought to be a murder victim?

             At this point, we'll shut up about anything that happens next, except to say that Jimmy Sangster does reveal all at the end, with multiple twists piling up on top of one another.........

             Ridiculous? Hard to swallow?  A strain on your ability to suspend disbelief?  

             All of the above.......but that doesn't make the movie any less fun. And it's always a pleasure to see Robert Webber get the chance he never got in Hollywood......to carry a movie all by himself.  He does just fine, using his usual mixture of strong authority mixed in with just the right sprinkle of self depreciating humor. 

               Not bad at all, we say......and for all Hammer completists, a definite must see. 3 stars (***).

               

              

'LORD OF THE FLIES'.......THOSE INFAMOUS CASTAWAY KIDDIES......

 Lord Of The Flies (1963)   Watching this again, we couldn't help thinking of one of the funniest lines from Ira Levin's hit play and movie "Deathtrap"........

              In that film, a jealous playwright played by Michael Caine reads a brilliant new thriller play sent to him by a young novice writer.  Asked by his wife if the play's really that good, Caine sourly replies, "It's so good, even a gifted director couldn't hurt it."

              You'd think that line would hold true for any director who took on the task of bringing William Golding's classic 1954 novel to the screen. 

               The book gripped readers around the world.......in its story of British schoolboys (implied as post nuclear war survivors) marooned on a tropical island with no adults to supervise or care for them. After first resourcefully organizing themselves into a civilized mini-community, they descend into primal, almost prehistoric savagery resulting in the brutal murders of two of their own.

                 9 years after the book's publication in 1954, the first attempt at a film adaptation fell to no less than the acclaimed, brilliant stage director Peter Brook, also the director, for many years, of the Royal Shakespeare Company. 

                 And this gifted director hurt it badly.  Instead of a potentially powerful, riveting piece of cinema, Brook's wrong-headed direction reduced the film to an oddball curio........and quickly forgotten. 

                 (We'll only mention in passing the 2nd film version from 1990.....so terrible that everyone forgot about it before it was even released)

                 Brook's big brainstorm was to cast the film not with actors, but with real, non professional children........and let then improvise their lines. 

                  Bad, bad idea. 

                   The results are painful, weird and borderline unwatchable.  The kids slowly announce their dialogue as if they're trying to learn English as a second language.  (.....and that's exactly what the obvious re-recording of all the spoken lines makes it sound like.)

                   And if the film wasn't already ruined enough by Brook's creative conceit and his non-direction of the kids, the filmmaking itself is ragged, cheap and clumsy in execution.  The pace lags, the scenes lack any forward momentum and the useless music score blurts out sporadically with drumbeats, then goes silent for long stretches. 

                   This resulting mess of a movie ended up relegated to a few art house cinemas before promptly disappearing into obscurity as a random footnote in film history......which is probably what it deserved. 

                  We can only wonder out loud if maybe one day, some up and coming filmmaker will take another crack at what many people consider one of the best novels of all time, forever capturing the imaginations of school students assigned to read it in class......and grownups as well. 

                 Hopefully it won't fall into the hands of a director who's lauded as "gifted"....God forbid.

                   For now, stick with the book. Neither of the existing film versions come anywhere close to doing it justice........and this 1963 oddity never rises about 1 star (*).