'MA'.......OCTAVIA GOES BLUM CRAZY........

Ma (2019)    There's two ways to view this movie, another scare-sausage that rolled off the assembly line of the Blumhouse horror factory........

                  It offers the opportunity of a juicy, take-no-prisoners lead role to the supremely gifted actress Octavia Spencer (Oscar winner for "The Help")........as opposed to the supporting or ensemble types of roles she takes in major, mainstream films.......

                  And not surprisingly, she tears into it for all its worth.........playing a pathetic, lonely, but murderously psychotic middle-ager who plays Pied Piper to a bunch of dopey teens.......in order to exact revenge for a vicious high school humiliation she once suffered at the hands of their parents.....

                   In this regard, the movie's really nothing more than millennial update of the 'scary old crone' movies that populated the 1960's.........with veteran icons like Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Olivia DeHavilland, Tallulah Bankhead, Joan Fontaine and others gamely trouping their way through cheapjack horror movies..

                    So you either see this movie as a Grade A actress slumming it in a piece of low-rent, cheesy trash........

                      Or you turn a blind eye to the junkiness of it all and concentrate solely on the skill and power of Spencer's performance.......and her ability to elevate this movie out of its pulpy origins.....

                     However you think of the film, you can't take your eyes off Spencer......as she carefully constructs layer after layer of mad fury to her portrayal.   She renders Blumhouse's usual tiresome litany of jump-scares unnecessary........just staying still, staring straight ahead, she's the stuff of nightmares.......

                     As good as she is, Spencer's ultimately at the mercy of the carved-in-stone tropes of  a Friday Night At The MultiPlex horror movie...........the motivation for her monstrous behavior, after all, is no different than what energized most of the killers in the 1980's teen slasher films.

                     Maybe it's fitting that the movie centers around Spencer's basement......which she uses as a lure, gifting  her teen victims with the perfect venue for drinking and petting parties. Even though guided by Tate Taylor, Spencer's "The Help" director, the movie never really gets out of the standard horror basement it's mired in......

                     Woefully unworthy of Octavia Spencer, we'll still shudder out 2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2) for
"Ma".......for a top-of-the-line performance that lifts this movie way above its meager scare-tactic intentions.......

WEEKDAY MADNESS WRAP-UP.........SPECIAL "GREAT AND UNMATCHED WISDOM" EDITION!!

               Another BQ exclusive! 

               We were granted an audience with The Wizard Of Odd himself....a.k.a. Donald J. Trump....a.k.a. Baby Orange.........who only a few days ago trumpeted his 'Great And Unmatched Wisdom' in a tweet.....

                 Here's the unedited transcript we sneaked out of the White House........

Trump:  Silence, Whippersnapper! How dare you approach the Great And Powerful Oz!

BQ:     Uh....Mr. President, don't you think you're taking this a little too far?

Trump:   You blubbering, babbling blob of blogging bullshit!   Bring me Adam Schiff's gavel and I will grant your request!

BQ:      Actually, we don't remember asking you for anything......

Trump:    Then be gone!  The Great and Powerful Oz must confer, converse and otherwise  hobnob with my fellow Wizards.....Vladimir, Kim and whats-his-name, that Turkish Taffy......

BQ:   Mr. President........don't you think you went a bit overboard......strapping on a jetpack and skywriting "Surrender Nancy" over the Capitol Dome?

Trump:   Silence, you fallacious freak of fantastically frantic fake facts!  Do not dare to question the Great and Unmatched Wisdom of the Great And Powerful Stable Genius!

BQ:   Wait a second.......who's that tubby, orange man behind the curtain?

Trump:  Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! And be thankful I granted you an audience today instead of 20 years from now........when I'll still be President For Life!

BQ:   Well, will you look at that.........it's just you behind the curtain........inflating your own overwhelming narcissism.

Trump:  Silence! Or the Great and Powerful Oz will give you a nasty nickname that I'll use in all my tweets.......you simpering, whimpering, baby boomer bleater of blithering bloviating!

BQ:    We never realized the similarities before.......you really are the Wizard of Oz in every way.......a scared little man with a puffed up opinion of himself.......pretending you're powerful when in fact you're weak, cowardly and stupid.......

Trump:   How dare you speak the truth in this interview!   Where's my flying monkey? Bring me my Flying monkey!

BQ:     Mr. President, I believe that's  only Stephen Miller with a pair of cardboard wings......and not a flying monkey.....

Trump:   Of course he's a flying monkey! Flunky for short.  Dopey kid, fooled him into thinking I'd grant him a brain and a heart....

BQ:    We'll wrap it up for today.......any more Great And Unmatched Wisdom before we leave?

Trump:    Yes........Barak Obama has been secretly directing the impeachment inquiry from an underground bunker in Kenya.......in my last poll numbers, I have a 99% approval rating........and you don't want to miss Melania's upcoming "Be Best" Halloween Party.....she's gonna feed chocolate laxatives to those caged immigrant brats.....trust me, there'll be more shit spewing around than my last tweetstorm!

BQ:   We appreciate the time you spent with us.....

Trump:  Click your heels three times and you can go home........

'THE SISTERS BROTHERS'........THE BEST SHOT (SO FAR) AT A 21st CENTURY WESTERN......

The Sisters Brothers (2018)    It's not exactly breaking news that filmmakers anywhere can seize upon our Great Cultural Mythology, the American Western.......and bend, warp and shape it to their will....(whatever that may be)

                 Sergio Leone and the Italians tossed out the moral compass and codes of honor that governed Westerns.......populating arid landscapes with perpetual cruelty, sadism and nihilistic violence.....

                 Starting in the early 70's (kicked off by Sam Peckinpah's 1969 "The Wild Bunch"), American filmmakers introduced 'revisionist' Westerns..........using the genre like a political cartoon, a backdoor way to make the wild west a metaphor for the carnage of Vietnam and all  the corrosive divisions of the Nixon era.

                 And now we have the newest funhouse-mirror vision of westerns.......

                 The 21st Century Western.

                 We don't consider ourselves the world's authority on this spankin' fresh warping of the genre......"The Sisters Brothers" is only the third one of these we've seen.......(the others:  2017's "Hostiles" with Christian Bale and 2018's 'Damsel' with Robert Pattinson)...

                 If you haven't come across a 21st Century western yet, the first viewing of these can be a little bit jarring.......similar to the first time American audiences watched "A Fistful Of Dollars", with everybody except Clint Eastwood speaking in badly dubbed English.....(even Clint had to dub in himself....)

                 Everyone does speak English in 21 Century westerns.....millennial English. Conversational 2019 English.......

                  So when you listen to Joaquin Phoenix and John C. Reilly banter as 1850's bounty hunting assassins, they sound like two current college students bickering over their lattes at Starbucks.

                  It takes some getting used to.......but unlike previous attempts (especially the ridiculous dialogue in "Damsel"), "The Sisters Brothers" succeeds in creating its own odd little universe, a mad mixture of Millennial conversation, ferocious violence, and surprising moments of character insight.

                 Unlike previous stabs at this fledgling style, the superb actors here fully commit to their roles and the story they're telling........a wandering quest filled with stunning reversals of fortune, tragedy, redemption and at times dark comedy.

                  We'll reveal no plot details whatsoever......this is a movie you should watch without knowing at all how it unfolds........sit back and let it surprise you at every twist and turn...

                But we don't want to finish without mentioning Jake Gyllenhaal and Riz Ahmed as the other half of the quartet that comprise this brilliant cast.  They may be far, far away from traditional westerns, but you don't want to miss these four guys in action. 4 stars (****)

'MARCO THE MAGNIFICENT'.........MARCO!........POLO!.........MARCO!..........POLO!

Marco The Magnificent (1965)   We could take no end of wild guesses as to what this movie was supposed to be..........(in its final slapped together form..........who knows?.....)

                An action spectacle?  Hmm, maybe. A tongue-in-cheek spoof?  Possibly.  History turned into a dream-like fantasy?  Okaaaaay.  A sardonic meditation on royal power and religious war?  Don't laugh, but at least one of this film's writers threw that into the mix........

                Whatever the intention, this film's still a discovered bauble in BQ's never ending treasure hunt for 1960's international bizarro trash.......

                  And oh did we dig up a doozy here..........

                  ........an expansive history of Marco Polo......as if told by a delirious, drunk and drugged history teacher..........

                    Killer cast!   Horst Bucholz as a snarky, horny playboy Marco.......Orson Welles large enough to have his own zip code, playing Marco's mentor.........the ever luscious Elsa Martinelli as "The Woman With The Whip" (and she ain't kiddin')......Omar Sharif, as a who-knows-what-side-he's-on Sheik.......Anthony Quinn as a heavily sedated Kublai Khan.......and the rarely seen little starlet Lynn Sue Moon popping up as a ravishing Chinese Princess.....

                      But funniest and weirdest of all, Akim Tamiroff as 'The Old Man Of The Mountain', a chubby little cave-dwelling tyrant who wears an intimidating gold mask to prevent anyone from finding out.....he's  chubby little Akim Tamiroff.

                     Poor little Marco ends up a prisoner of The Old Man, who's kind of a Medieval Bond villain. Tagging along with Marco are two devout Knights Templar, since they're on  a mission from the Pope to introduce Christianity to China. Old Man won't  stand for that nonsense, so the two Holy Rollers take turns inside a jumbo glass bell, where they get gonged to death......really.

                     And by all means, check out the costumes on The Old Man's girl slaves.......sporting half-naked, semi sci-fi outfits that look like they belong in "Barbarella".......

                     Have no fear for our Marco......sprung by Sharif's Shiek Yerbooti or whatever his name is, Marco's off to China, hitching a boat ride with Lynn Sue Moon's Princess Wonton or whatever her name is......

                      The Princess is on her way to a Chinese Princess Beauty Pageant  run by Kublai Khan to pick out his new wife......the emcee introduces all the girls with the same resume....."She plays the lute! She writes poetry!".......the only thing missing; the girls announcing they all want world peace...

                     Surprisingly, Marco himself drops out of sight during most of the China stuff, which includes Anthony Quinn's Kublai blowing up his hot-tempered son's army with super-dooper fireworks.......(in case anyone forgot this was an action-adventure, you get the requisite shots of stunt guys flying off their tripped horses.....)

                    Yes, it's a glorious mess from the get-go.......with an offscreen narrator frequently chiming in to offer redundant commentary and clarify the chaotic scene continuity and gaping holes in whatever passed for the script. You can picture the making of this movie as nuttier than the Trump White House in operation...…...

                     But there's an MVP in this maelstrom........composer Georges Garvarantz, who slathers the movie with a non-stop blaring orchestral score that's ten times more epic than anything in the film itself.  It's a score that sounds written for the movie these filmmakers might have envisioned in their wildest martini-soaked dreams.........but couldn't possibly pull off in reality.

                     For that over-the-top score and all the rest of 'Marco The Magnificent's cheesy lunacy.......3 gongs of the big glass bell...(***)

                      (And if anyone knows of the whereabouts of the mysterious Lynn Sue Moon, who dropped out of sight after her brief role in "To Sir With Love", feel free to chime in......)

MIDWEEK MADNESS WRAP-UP........SPECIAL "IMMA LET YOU FINLAND" EDITION...........

                   You know it's getting worse whenever we stop reviewing films and books to deal with the rising level of Baby Orange insanity.........

                     "You talkin' to me? asks Baby Orange when asked a direct question about his crimes....to the everlasting calm of the reporter, he resisted answering with what we were wishing he'd said........"Well, numbnuts........do you see any other gibbering, psychotic, corrupt U.S. Presidents on the verge of impeachment in the room?"

                          Baby Orange claims Adam Schiff helped write the whistleblower's report..... and even worse, he has it on good authority that Schiff also had a hand in that "Game Of Thrones" finale episode......

                          Baby Orange declares Adam Schiff isn't fit to carry Mike Pompeo's jockstrap.......as opposed to Baby Orange, who isn't fit to carry Caitlin Jenner's jockstrap.......

                           Baby Orange tweetstorms that impeachment efforts are BULLSHIT......and distracting him from vital Presidential business......golfing, tweeting, and Sean Hannity viewing......

                          Finnish President Sauli Niinisto looks askance during Baby Orange tantrums.......Memo to Pres. Niinisto:  If you thought you stepped into the 9th Circle of Hell......how do think WE feel?  Welcome to our world, pal............

                          Baby Orange once again announces he's a "stable genius".........and also StarLord  Of the Universe, and The Great And Powerful Oz..........

'COLD PURSUIT'.........BABY, IT'S LIAM OUTSIDE.........

Cold Pursuit (2019)   A big Bravo to this one for surprising the hell out of us..........

                 One look at the poster made us initially roll our eyes way upward.......

                  Oh no......yet another in the series of "Liam Neeson Fights His Way Off A Public Vehicle" thrillers......

                  As in.....Liam on a plane! Liam on a train!  And now.......prepare yourself.....Liam on a frickin' snowplow!  Buckle up and wear your thermal underwear!

                   But Holy Mother Of Shootouts........this one not only gives you the full Liam-ator rackin' up the body count.......but delivers a load of sick, dark laughter.

                    You heard us right. It's bloody and funny as hell, piling up dry humor as fast as it piles up the bodies......

                     And take the BQ's word for it here......that's fast.

                     What we've got here is some kind of off-the-wall crossbreeding of the Coen brothers "Fargo" with all the well known Tarantino tropes.  The perpetually rising number of gangster corpses becomes the film's longest running gag.

                      You can tell the filmmakers here can barely keep from snickering off screen as they  announce each violent death with a black title card......itemizing the character killed along with the person's nickname in quotes........

                      You see, Liam doesn't take too kindly when his only son is murdered by a psychotic young Colorado drug lord. So he exchanges plowing snow for murderously plowing through the kingpin's minions.

                       The crazy kingpin mistakenly blames Liam's assorted hits on a rival native american gang.  And an all out gangster war breaks out, while Liam goes about his business of decreasing the criminal population by impressive amounts.......

                      We can't even count how many times "Cold Pursuit" made us laugh out loud while splattering the snow drifts red.....In the full deck of Neeson thrillers, this one's the Joker...... BQ says don't miss it. 4 stars (****)

                     

'SECOND ACT'.......J-LO CAN YOU GO?

Second Act (2018)    Here's what we really, really would have preferred to sit through.......

              Not this movie, but the pitch meeting that spawned it.........

              We bet it was a hoot......along the lines of those Hollywood satires where a sweaty, fast-talking agent desperately spews out a hard sell for a screenplay cobbled together from multiple movies........."It's 'Pretty Woman meets 'Titanic' meets 'Steel Magnolias meets 'The Terminator"!

                The people behind this Jennifer Lopez vehicle literally threw spaghetti against the wall and tried to make it all stick together..........or to steal another metaphor, this movie was assembled the same way Victor Frankenstein sewed up his creature.......using parts stolen from other people......

                 Considering that there's at least three different movies floating around in this mess, let's examine 'em individually.......

                J-Lo the Retail Toiler........she's a blue collar, brilliantly successful sales manager for a huge upscale supermarket chain.......and unfairly denied a well-deserved promotion because of her lower-class hardscrabble background....(no college degreee). The job goes to an obnoxious imbecile with an MBA......

                All by itself, this would cover new ground for a rom-com.......with the entire cast made up of working class stiffs surviving from paycheck to paycheck.......as opposed to the usual Hollywood set-up where everyone's living in million buck McMansions.....

                 J-Lo invades corporate Valhalla based on a Big Fat Lie.......but now we move on to more typical boilerplate stuff.......in which our gal Jen, armed with a completely phony resume, scores an exec position at a top cosmetics company.  The Big Fat Lie is a fave Hollywood trope (readily adopted by most Hallmark movies)........How long can she keep up the charade?  Will her evil nemesis at the company expose her?  What if they ask her to do stuff on her resume....like speak Mandarin and captain a rowing crew?

                   Standard rom-com hijinks........and we did laugh at the rowing crew disaster, an accurate depiction of what might have happened if Lori Laughlin's daughters were forced to perform the skills they falsely claimed on their college applications.........

                  J-Lo reconnects with the long lost daughter she gave up for adoption.....This is clearly a whole other movie altogether, but incredibly, it's jammed into the other two........and the already too busy plot collides it with J-Lo's Big Fat Lie to her corporate overseer.....who adopted the daughter way back when......(we just developed a migraine describing this....)

                  And let's not forget the Rom part of the romcom........

                   J-Lo won't commit to her perfect loving boyfriend......poor Milo Ventimiglia gets stuck with most thankless role in  a J-Lo vehicle where three different storylines are competing with each other......(and the film offers hims no active role in any of them)......he's reduced to man-candy bookends, popping up at the start and the finish......

                   So what you've got here isn't much of a movie.......it's the aftermath of a lengthy pitch meeting in which every possible idea for 4 possible J-Lo movies was tossed into the pot.......

                  ............the result: a lumpy, indigestible stew. 1 star (*)