BQ: Mrs. First Lady, welcome to the Beached Quill.
M: Bored to be here, as I am everywhere. This is Newsmax, no?
BQ: Uh...no...Madame FLOTUS, this is our blog site.
M: I don't care....do you?
BQ: Ah yes...from your infamous jacket. So, your movie, a documentary of your life, opens tomorrow and the response across the country and the world has been filled with-
M: Enthusiasm, I know. Donald told me.
BQ: Actually....more like disgust, revulsion, nausea....and most frequently.... laughter.
M: This is fake news. People tell me they show sneak preview on crowded plane......and only 150 people asked for parachutes. Some couldn't wait a minute and just threw themselves out of the plane. A few others watched, with little paper bags in laps.
BQ: In some theaters, only one ticket was pre-sold. How do you account for this lack of advance sales?
M: Is bad mistake in marketing. They should not have run the ads that say, "Almost as much fun as Joker: Folie a Deux'" and "Only your last root canal can equal it in excitement".
BQ: Yes, I can see how those slogans might discourage people.
M: People lining up as we speak. You know we get most excellent director Brett Ratboy, man who gave you Rush Hour movies. He very good with those of us who speak broken English. He said I make Jackie Chan sound like Anthony Hopkins.
BQ: Are you aware that Brett Ratner's been credibly accused of multiple sexual assaults? And that his name pops up on the Epstein files?
M: Brit Rattrap, he good boy, never lay greasy finger on the Melania. Donald force his Paramount minions to let him make Rush Hour 4. And he also attached to direct me as 'Natasha' in new movie based on Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon. But no Boris in it to clutter things up.....just me, the Melania as Natasha, chasing moose and squirrel. Much fun for whole family and Pornhub users.
BQ: Personally and I think I speak for millions, we can't wait to miss it.
M: Is your loss. Already pre-sold tickets to Barron, Don Jr. and Eric. Ivanka too busy, she say she needs time to count her eyelashes.
BQ: I understand the premiere of the film will be mostly attended by D-list celebrities.
M: Not true. Fake news. We have top superstars coming, Scott Baio, Kid Rock, the entire next cast of 'Dancing With Stars' and Kyle Rittenhouse will fire off celebration burst of bullets from AR-15 over audience heads. On request, popcorn will be covered with molten gold. Steve Bannon be there, but we provide Hazmat suits for anyone who sits next to him.
BQ: Fascinating. Did you know that two thirds of the crew who worked on your film asked that their names be taken off the credits? Why do you suppose they did that?
M: Is not the Melania's fault. Amazon Jeff Bezos trick them into working on movie. He tell them it was origin story of the new Bond movie villainess, played by me... Pussy The Bore. Told them movie called The Spy Who Bought Me....with Donald as new Bond.
BQ: That sounds too ridiculous for words.
M: Is currently sitting in development hell....also fitting name for my years of marriage to Donald.
BQ: Well, Melania, thanks for making time from your busy schedule to stop in and talk. But we can't say we're looking forward to your movie.
M: No offence taken. Neither is anyone else with ounce of sanity and common sense. Here, let me give you official 'Melania' movie gift basket.
BQ: Wow, very generous of you. What a nice large tote bag. What's in it?
M: Much goodies. First, 200,000 free tickets to Melania the Movie. Please hand out to friends and neighbors. I beg of you. Also, your own knockoff of infamous Melania inauguration hat, also doubles as Frisbee and weapon, since brim is sharp steel razor. Be first person on your block to behead random child or Amazon delivery man.
BQ: One last question, since Amazon laid out 40 million dollars to produce the film, can we expect to see it on Prime any day now?
M: Jeff the Bezos tell me they will insert chunks of my movie into episodes of 'Fallout', so you will think it's just another part of nuclear war aftermath.
BQ: Clever move. What's that you're handing me? Wait....is that one half of a 1000 dollar bill?
M: Is all yours. You get other half of bill when you show the Melania a ticket stub you bought from seeing my movie. Fair deal, no? Same deal I make to everyone I meet.
BQ: In all honesty, First Lady, I think I'd rather have white hot needles driven into my eyes than sit through your film.
M: Is so funny.....that's what everybody tell me. Even Donald.
BQ: Good night and bad luck on the film!
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