WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.....SPECIAL "TRUMPFINGER RAIDS FORT KNOX" EDITION"

 

"

Donald Trump:  "We're to go to Fort Knox, the fabled Fort Knox to make sure the gold is there. If the gold isn't there, we're going to be very upset".

"Then if I find it, I got a Chinese guy who's gonna help me blow it the hell up, just like me and Elon did to the rest of the government and all its employees. But first we'll take out some gold in cardboard boxes to storage at Mar-A-Lago....we'll store them right next to the surplus of really expensive eggs we keep in the pool snack bar...."

"And yes, I did declare "Long Live The King' on my Untruth Social site.....and why not? With Elon as Grupenfuhrer of Coin, we're doin' pretty good I'd say. Whadja say? You didn't vote for this?  Hey guess what.....you got played, suckers!  Bend over and take like grown-ups...."

'NIGHTBITCH'........WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?.....MOM'S THE WORD....

Nightbitch (2024)     We imagine any woman enduring her first pregnancy would find this film more horrific than all three "Terrifier" movies combined. 

           'Mother' (as we only know her by) is a stay-at-home mom coping with an adorable but impossibly rambunctious toddler son. She gave up a promising career as an artist for a life of perpetual attention to her child's constant needs.......literally a 24/7 job that's driving her to the brink of madness. 

            'Husband' (as we only know him by) travels all the time for work and even when he's home, he contributes the bare minimum of co-parenting tasks. In one of this film's many worn out "It's what she was thinking but not what she actually does") tricks, she fantasizes slapping Hubby when he emits another clueles

s insensitive observation. 

           (This same tired shtick starts off the movie when Mother bumps into a casual friend and then lets loose a corrosive evaluation of her own dashed dreams and diminished life.....until we realize what she only said was 'I love being a mother'. Yeh, sure you do)

           Hmmm....let's see. What else could go wrong here?

            How about Mother sprouting hair on her ass and turning into a dog?  Not just any canine, but a full fledged Alpha Dog leading a the neighborhood pack on the hunt for squirrels and bunnies. Hold it.....is this happening for real or just another film festival culture vulture metaphor for the after-screening audience to discuss? 

            Beats us. Feel free to figure it out and discuss. 

             We don't want to sound like we love trashing this film so let's talk about the good stuff. 

            Amy Adams as Mother gives the very definition of what they call a fearless, bravado performance. She put herself out there for this role and you can't take your eyes off her for one second.....(neither does the film)

            And as the perplexed, hapless Husband, Scoot McNairy does his best, but the role is as thankless as playing a white racist villain in a 1970's Blaxsploitation movie. 

            For horror movie curators the film does offer a special treat - the one and only Jessica Harper (of "Suspiria")  as an enigmatic librarian who pops up for pivotal moments in Mother's already strange life. 

            There's no end of clever satire going on here, but we're thinking the whole dog thing doesn't do as much for the movie as writer-director Marielle Heller thought it would. 

            The surprise for us came when the movie swings into such a conventional third act, it could've been directed by Nora Ephron or Gary Marshall. 

           That is...until the final scene kicker.....or is it?

            Depending on how you view the entirety of film, you'll either think that last shot is a warm hug, or a promise of horrors to come. 

            Which is it?  You tell us. Discuss. 

            It's Amy Adams incredible performance that makes 'Nightbitch' worth a look for all cinephiles....and for her work alone, we'll bark out 2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2)

            Amy's not a sick puppy here.....just a sick-and-tired one. 

'SECRET OF THE RED ORCHID'......TIRED GANGSTER 'KRIMI', WASTING ITS LEGENDARY CAST

 Secret Of The Red Orchid (1962)    Just like the previously reviewed '1000 Eyes of Dr. Mabuse', another crushing disappointment in the annals of post-war German Euro-Junk. 

         This one's part of the peculiar 'Krimi' genre of murder mysteries based on the stories of Edgar Wallace (also one of the co-writers of "King Kong")

        Usually a 'Krimi' presented a warped perverse universe filled with whip-wielding monks, slobbering hunchbacks and an escalating body count......

        'Red Orchid' went off course for the series, dealing with competing extortion gangs operating in London. It looks and sounds like a pale imitation of 1940's American gangster movies. The really cheap bad ones.

        And even more criminal, it wastes a killer cast who could've made this film a crazy romp, given half a chance. 

       Two iconic titans appear together, Christopher Lee (who at this point needs no introduction) and cinema's most dangerous madman, Klaus Kinski.  Incredibly, both are terribly miscast - Kinski as a dapper dan gangster and Lee as an FBI agent. 

        For added dessert toppings, there's long time international character actor Eric Pohlmann (the voice of Blofeld in "From Russia With Love" and "Thunderball") and the ever stunning  Euro-babe Marisa Mell. 

         All of them, we should point out, are badly re-voiced by run-of-the-mill dubbers who all sound, as usual like they're stuck in the same phone booth together. 

        Kinski and Pohlmann play competing crime lord extortionists. They threaten rich old farts with death if they don't pay up big time. Lee's FBI guy has landed in London to help Scotland Yard with the case as old fart bodies start piling up.     

           This leaves a prissy butler (Eddie Arent,hamming it up) flitting from one wealthy employer to another as the gangs bump them off. (This is the actor for whom they invented the expression, "a little of him goes a long way....."

          What an opportunity was thrown away here.....uniting legendary pulp cinema giants Lee and Kinski and then giving them literally nothing to work with. A damned shame beyond all known stupidity.

            Dreary, dumb and tired from start to finish threw away 83 minutes on it......BQ recommends you avoid it like the plague.

            Zero star (0).

'I AM THE CAGE'.....A CHILDHOOD OF PAIN ISOLATED A TORMENTED GIRL

 

I Am the Cage by  Allison Sweet Grant (2025))

     Such an intimate powerful story of one terribly hurt young woman. I don't know how any readers could experience this book without becoming invested in and deeply moved by the gut wrenching isolation of 19 year old Elizabeth. 

     After finishing high school, she's dropped out of the world, living a solitary hermit's life in a remote Wisconsin cabin. Elizabeth survived a childhood of almost indescribable medical torture. She suffered for years with a metal leg brace pinned to her bones in order to adjust their growth.

     Through all the years of torment, her sense of self worth has been chipped away by the excruciating agonies of the procedure along with the apparent lack of empathy from her mother. Healed only physically, she seeks total solitude as the only way to protect herself from a world of hurt.

     But then a winter blizzard leaves her stranded and forced to rely on the help of her nearest neighbor Noah, the small town's young Sheriff. In gradual increments, Noah's concern and genuine friendship bring out glimmers of humanity and new perceptions in this bedeviled young soul. After years in the dark, sunlight's peeking through for her.

     For a heart touching experience, I can't praise this book highly enough. There's a kind of ethereal, haunting poetry to it, as well as some actual, beautifully crafted poetry in Elizabeth's deepest thoughts.

     For anyone who wants to experience the highs and lows of a character's life-affirming journey out of anguish, I'd say this book's as good as it gets.

        5 stars (*****) Prepare for this one to shake you.

'SNL 50: THE ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL' (2025)....THE HITS, THE MISSES, THE "BUT WHERE WAS....???"

 SNL 50: The Anniversary Special (2025    Even with 3 hours and 20 minutes, it may not have been possible to do an all encompassing recap of half a century of Saturday Night Live....

          But not that producer Lorne Michaels didn't try his best. 

          Packed to the rafters with SNL guest hosts, current cast members, past cast members and musical guests, the show took a deep dive into legendary SNL moments, characters, skits, mock commercials and general history. 

         For any fan of the show, a nostalgic treasure trove opened wide, spilling out who knows how many fond memories. 

         Also on view......the glaring omissions.

         Though SNL established a long history of mercilessly lampooning U.S. Presidents, you'd never know it from the 50th anniversary special.....MIA were cast members' eviscerations of the POTUS of the moment, from Chevy Chase's dim bulb Gerald Ford to James Austin Johnson's babbling Donald Trump.....(unless you count the montage of the young Chase's stumbling pratfalls, a signature of his Ford impression.)

          We'd hate to think this has anything to do with Trump, now armed with unlimited power and his own FCC minion, planning to exact vengeance on TV shows and comedians who've dared to mock him. 

           Also glaringly not in attendance for various reasons - some of the most monumental figures in SNL's history.....Dan Aykroyd, Bill Hader, Dana Carvey. Considering the contributions they made, you'd think Lorne Michaels should've moved heaven and earth to include them, even if from remote locations.......

          Just sayin'........

         To the special's credit, it served up a feast of mostly on target recaps, fresh skits and live musical performances over a long, long Sunday night, with few duds and missteps.

          A few random observations......

          If ever anyone needed a poignant reminder about the ravages of time, we felt both saddened and elated as Paul Simon and Paul McCartney valiantly sang their songs with weakened, aging voices.

         The tour of un-woke, now offensive politically incorrect skit characters was for us, the funniest, most perceptive bit in the show. It reminded us of when we recently watched the re-airing of the show's 1975 premiere episode. A mock news film by Albert Brooks included the breaking news that Oregon has lowered the age of consent to 7 years old, then cut to clip of a guy dating a little girl. Try imagine seeing something like that on TV today (along with Buck Henry's character of a pedophile uncle babysitting his nieces.)

          Fortunately, the golden moments outnumbered the duds.....appearances by Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, Garrett Morris, Adam Sandler, Rachel Dratch and the formidable female power players Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Kristin Wiig, Kate McKinnon and Maya Rudolph  (We're aware, we're leaving out lots of people off these lists, but by now, you know all the others....)

         We can only feel thankful that two former guest hosts, President Elon Musk and Assistant Dictator Donald Trump declined an invitation to attend the show. Maybe Lorne Michaels shouldn't consider inviting people dedicated to wiping his show off the air......

        SNL 50 was a huge mixed bag of treats and blunders.....but then that aptly describes the 50 years of the show itself. 

       If you missed it, it's well worth streaming. 4 stars (****).

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP......SPECIAL "WHO'S THAT FAT ORANGE GUY WITH PRESIDENT MUSK?" EDITION

 Time Magazine confirms what we knew all along.....

Trump decides he can do away with the legislative and judicial branches of government.....as Trump voters whine, "Wait a second....I didn't know he was gonna go this far...what about the price of eggs?"

Prosecutors resign as Trump's DOJ drops corruption case against NY mayor Adams.....Adams reportedly broke his front tooth as he bent down to kiss Trump's ring......

To all who didn't vote for Trump, Happy Valentine's Day!  For Trump voters, we sincerely present this message......

'SURRENDER'.....MICHAEL AND SALLY DISCOVER MONEY IS ROOT OF ALL ROMANCE....

 Surrender (1987)   We don't want to sound like we're overpraising this hardly remembered slight little rom-com, but it fulfilled at least two essentials for the genre.

        1. Sometimes, it's really funny (though veers dangerously close to silliness.)

        2. It has two appealing beloved stars who spark some genuine chemistry with other. 

         You'd be surprised how many rom-coms can't meet those basic requirements. 

         We've long been fans of Sally Field and Michael Caine and they're more than up to the hijinks this movie throws at them.

         Caine's a best selling novelist whose wives, both legal and common law have taken him to the cleaners in divorce court. He swears off women altogether until he and Field connect in a bizarre, yet original meet-cute. 

          At a huge public event invaded by armed robbers, they're stripped naked and tied up together. How could love not ensue after that?

          Field's a barely struggling artist working in an assembly line warehouse that pumps out Bob Ross-like paintings for hotel rooms. Still wary of rapacious women, Caine tenderly starts a relationship with her, pretending he's a broke, equally struggling would-be writer. 

          We won't bother detailing all the usual rom-com complications that detonate these lovebirds' path to Happily Ever After, but you could pretty much plot them yourself. 

        Still, we had a smiling nice time with watching two of our favorite actors find true love and couldn't help rooting for them all the way. (We even tolerated Steve Guttenberg in that thankless role as the annoying, third wheel soon-to-be-dumped boyfriend of Field)

         And as a bonus, writer-director Jerry Belson peppers up the brew with plenty of snappy lines. 

         A fine sweet time waster. 3 & 1/2 stars (***1/2)

'THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD'......"BRAIIIIIINNNNNNNNSSSSSS!!!"

The Return Of The Living Dead (1985)......we wouldn't even attempt to catalogue the number of zombie apocalypse movies inundating pop culture ever since George Romero started the ball rolling with his quintessential 1968 'Night Of The Living Dead'.

          We came to grow sick and tired of them long before everyone else did.....(that's why horror filmmakers switched from slow, shambling zombies to zombies who sprint like Olympic track runners....)

          But as for this little crazy, riotous zombie-thon, 91 minutes of perpetual hysteria awash in gallons of Grindhouse gore, we'll never tire of it. It's still a gooey, loony gem. 

         Directed at a constant fever pitch by Dan O'Bannon (writer of 'Alien' and 'Lifeforce'), the film takes off like a rocket in its first few minutes and never lets up, never slows down. Once the zombies erupt, they crave only one thing to ease their constant agony of being dead.....brains.

          Or as these zombies put it when they cry out for sustenance....."Braaaaiiiiinnnnssssss!.....(which may be the first thing everyone remembers about the film and today it sounds like the craving plea of Trump voters....)

          Our first two human idiots to touch off calamity are medical supply company manager Frank (the very funny James Karen) and his part time teen helper Freddy (Thom Mathews).  The boobs unleash a barrage of toxic gas from a barrel left over from a military experiment gone horribly awry. 

          And wouldn't you know it, things go horribly oopsy-daisy once again, as the gas (aided by a thunderstorm) re-animates the medical supply cadavers and a crowd of corpses from a neighboring graveyard. 

           Let the brain munching begin. And so it does; the stiffs feast on every poor sucker they can lay their crumbling fingers on, including Freddy's teen friends and a slew of paramedics and cops.

            In keeping with the rampant nihilism inherent in zombie films, Dan O' Bannon and writers John Russo and Russel Streiner come up with a climax that's both spectacular and inevitable. 

            Look, there's no way to dance around rating this movie. You either adore this stuff or you recoil in disgust and repulsion.

            Regular BQ visitors should know by now where we stand when it comes to insanely wild and breathless horror films....

           While 98 per cent of walking dead movies bore us to tears, this one never did, and all these years later, it remains one of our favorite three-ring-circus carnival rides. 

            4 stars (****). For zombie fans who've never seen this....Nirvana awaits. 

'BACK IN ACTION'.....CAMERON AND JAMIE, STUCK IN THE NETFLIX ALGORITHM 'N BLUES.......

Back In Action (2025)   Nobody's complaining about seeing beloved fan favorites Cameron Diaz and Jamie Foxx return to entertaining us....

         Who didn't miss Diaz, always a cinematic firecracker, while she took a 10 year hiatus from films......face it, we all did. 

       And it's certainly a relief to see Foxx back with us, after suffering through alarming health scares. 

       That's the good news. That they're back and starring in a spiffy, expensive Netflix action-comedy.

         Here's the bad news -  that spiffy expensive Netflix action-comedy is just another one of those mechanically assembled, A.I. generated Frankenstein-ian concoctions.....pieced together by those notorious Netflix algorithms that are permanently programmed to imitate 1990's popcorn blockbusters. 

          For these two stars, couldn't Netflix come up with something better than reheated tropes from all those Schwarzenegger-Stallone-Gibson-Cruise-Willis wingdings?

           Pardon us while we let out a long dramatic sigh.....

           Here goes...(forgive us if we stop to yawn)....Diaz and Foxx were super-dooper James and Jane Bond spies. We know this from the furiously over-choreographed opening that mimics a pre-title Bond movie sequence. 

             Years later, they've settled into a typical upper middle class suburban lifestyle, complete with two kids, a surly teen daughter (McKenna Roberts) and perky up-for-anything 12 year old boy (Rylan Jackson). 

            But as you knew it would, a past mission fires up again and the whole family's off to London for chases, shootouts and a lame, worn out twist or two....(including Glenn Close showing up as the fam's spymaster granny...)

             Yada, yada yada.....viewers could connect the plot's dots blindfolded. 

             The only thing that stood out for us was the casting of gifted actor Andrew Scott (Netflix's "Ripley") as a possibly turncoat MI6 operative. What a dumb idea for a red herring twist......even the Netflix A,I. machine knew that Scott had already played an MI6 turncoat in "Spectre". Plus, what a waste of time to give such a versatile actor such a nothing, throwaway role. 

            We'll admit though, we took a moderate amount of amusement out of this cobbled together test tube baby of a movie....

             Cameron Diaz is still a live wire and all kinds of fun to watch and Jamie Foxx more than matches her in charismatic star power. 

            And since we all may be dead and buried before Barbara Broccoli and Amazon ever come to terms on making another James Bond movie, the spy fights and chases in "Back In Action" served to feed our addiction to Bond-ian adventure. 

            Our main beef - if Netflix has enough money to throw at these elaborate imitations of previous movies, why not start using real writers to create them?   Just a suggestion......

            Who knows? Maybe then we'd be able give out a rating higher than the one here....2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2).

'YOU ARE FATALLY INVITED'.....6 MYSTERY WRITERS....STUCK ON AN ISLAND WITH A KILLER...

 You Are Fatally Invited by Ande Pliego (2025 - Release Date 2/11/25)

     If nothing else, this book could stake its claim to having one of the most attention getting titles of the year. Who could resist it? With a title like that, you just knew it could only be - #1. Your family's invitation to Thanksgiving dinner where everyone holds different political views. Or #2. A locked room mystery with a host of unusual suspects trapped on a remote storm stricken island.

     Surprise surprise ....it's #2. with the added attraction of the host and guests all being best selling mystery authors. And with another big non=surprise......our host, mysterious, anonymous author J.R. Alastor plans to subject his guests to all sorts of puzzling clues and games, based on the secret sins each one is hiding. You would need something akin to a NCAA March Madness chart to make sense of everybody's scandals and exactly how they interconnect with each other. One thing's certain......these people will wish they'd gone on that 3 hour cruise to Gilligan's Island rather than this lethal shindig.

     Assisting Alastor in all these murderous revelries is failed writer turned event planner Mila del Angel. But unknown to Alastor, Mila's using this opportunity to wreak overdue vengeance on one of the novelist guests, someone who wronged her terribly, leaving her life and future ambitions in ruins.

     The guests themselves arrive with enough emotional baggage and darkest of secrets to fill out a dozen 'trapped-on-a-storm-tossed-island murder mysteries. So it's no great mystery when the 'And-then-there-were-none' body count starts steadily rise to alarming proportions.

     In the first chapters, author Ande Pliego uses just enough measures of acerbic wit to poke
some overdue fun at this well worn genre and all its tropes. I only wish the book had maintained that level of sardonic mockery all the way through. But as the bodies pile up and the expected multiple twists finally arrive, the book (and we its readers) become immersed in the impossibly intricate mysteries. on display.

     I'm in complete awe of how this labyrinth of a plot works itself out in the final pages. I'd recommend "You Are Fatally Invited" to any mystery fanatics who love to end up muttering multiple times "Well I didn't see THAT one coming.".

          4 stars (****). Remember to avoid excursions to remote islands in the midst of stormy weather......not in books, just in real life.....

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.....SPECIAL "ALL HEIL TO PRESIDENT MUSK" EDITION......

 Hi there, Trump voters!  Having fun yet?   Getting everything you voted for? And more?

How's the price of eggs these days?  Did you book your trip for 7 days and 6 nights at the new Trump Casino-Resort in Gaza-Lago?

Please don't worry if your next Social Security check is signed by Elon Musk.....it should come out to no more than 60% less than the last one.

How about all those well qualified 'best people' appointed for cabinet positions? Lovin' them?  Don't worry, if your kids contract measles and polio, RFK Jr. promised to lend you his brain worm as a cure.....

What's that, you said?  You didn't vote for Elon Musk?  Oh yes you did, because you didn't like the price of eggs. 

What's that you said?  Supermarket eggs now come with a low interest payment plan on a dozen?

Aren't you excited about Canada joining us as part of the United States!  We know the Canadians are just as excited as you are! In fact, why don't you travel to any Canadian city and start singing "America The Beautiful". What a warm welcome you'll get!

What's that, you said?  You didn't think things were going to be this chaotic so soon? You didn't know what you were letting yourself in for? You never really thought Trump would do all the crazy stuff he promised?

By the way.....how's the price of eggs lately?

Cry us a river........but suck in what you voted for.  Eat a scrambled egg in celebration.....if your credit card can cover the cost.

'THE 1000 EYES OF DR. MABUSE'.....FRITZ LANG BOWS OUT BUT AS FOR DR. MABUSE....YOU CAN'T KEEP A BAD MAN DOWN.....

The 1000 Eyes of Dr. Mabuse (1960)   If you've visited this site over the years, you well know how much we love us some Euro-Junk....Giallos, Krimis, 007 knockoffs, International Heist Capers, slashers, swordsman, mafia maniacs, mythical muscleheads and so much more.....

          .....the more obscure, the better. The nuttier the better......and the more filled with assorted, beloved character actors from multiple countries, the better....

          We so looked forward to this one for several reasons. It was another mystery-adventure in the weird universe of Dr. Mabuse, a diabolical master criminal forever in quest of world domination.....sort of a Germanic version of Professor Moriarity or a creepier Ernst Stavro Blofeld. And more than that, it was also the final film of legendary director Fritz Lang (of 'M', 'Metropolis', 'Rancho Notorious' among his classics).  Lang himself had kicked off the Mabuse series with 1933's 'The Testament of Dr. Mabuse'.

         We're depressed to report that '1000 Eyes' isn't particularly good junky fun to sit through and ends up as a confusing, convoluted last effort from a director of so many iconic films. 

        But we did enjoy the cast line up here, one of the prime factors drawing us to these international mish-mashes. As the relentless cop trying to figure out what's going on, there's portly Gert Frobe, only a few years away from his world famous role of Goldfinger. Also on board - those guys every World War 2 movie fan knows on sight, Werner Peters, Wolfgang Preiss, Howard Vernon and the dashing, white haired Peter van Eyck.

          Topping off this fascinating group, was for us, the main attraction - drop dead gorgeous British star Dawn Addams, who maintained an up-and-down, all-over-the-map career, moving from Brit movies and TV to international co-productions.  Any film that gives a chance to gaze upon the lovely Ms. Addams, sign us up.

        The film itself? Blah. It starts off promising enough, with a sinister assassin (Howard Vernon) offing a journalist with a gun that shoots steel needles...ouch.  Commissioner Kras (Frobe), investigating other murders, takes prophetic calls from mysterious blind psychic Cornelius (Preiss). Somehow, all this leads to a plush hotel, where most of the film's action takes place. 

         Here's where stuff becomes dense and unexplained. A whole bunch of characters interact at this hotel, but it's never clear what any of them have to do with each other, or for that matter, Dr. Mabuse whose name randomly pops up in the proceedings. Meanwhile, an American industrialist with an atomic lab (van Eyck) talks a distraught woman (Addams) out of suicide. Hovering around everybody is a busybody life insurance salesman (Werner Peters) hoping the increasing body count will generate more policy sales. 

            Through the bulk of this slow talky slog, none of these plot complications seem to connect......that is, until the last 10 minutes where revelations, shootouts and wild car chases all pile up at once. 

            The nefarious Mabuse and his latest plan to conquer the world are at last revealed.....sort of.....maybe. (We only mention this because Mabuse has been presumed dead for years....or has he? Sort of.....maybe.....)

            Born scene stealer Frobe makes the most of every scene he's in and you can easily see why he caught the eye of the James Bond producers. The movie even throws in some high tech bonuses that became staples of future action thrillers.....the hotel's equipped with surveillance cameras spying on every room (by guess who) and there's even a getaway car with a rotating license plate......(hmmm, now what movie did we see that in next? Also with Frobe in it....)

          Not a great farewell film for Fritz Lang to finish up his career with, but at least in that same year, his colorful exotic 'Indian Tomb' double feature was released (which we promise to cover fully on this blog very soon!)

          As for '1000 Eyes' - of interest only to fervent fans, (like BQ) of Euro-Pulp. We fear everyone else may find it clumsy, odd and for the most part, plain old boring. 

         2 stars (**).