WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.....SPECIAL "TRUMPFINGER RAIDS FORT KNOX" EDITION"

 

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Donald Trump:  "We're to go to Fort Knox, the fabled Fort Knox to make sure the gold is there. If the gold isn't there, we're going to be very upset".

"Then if I find it, I got a Chinese guy who's gonna help me blow it the hell up, just like me and Elon did to the rest of the government and all its employees. But first we'll take out some gold in cardboard boxes to storage at Mar-A-Lago....we'll store them right next to the surplus of really expensive eggs we keep in the pool snack bar...."

"And yes, I did declare "Long Live The King' on my Untruth Social site.....and why not? With Elon as Grupenfuhrer of Coin, we're doin' pretty good I'd say. Whadja say? You didn't vote for this?  Hey guess what.....you got played, suckers!  Bend over and take like grown-ups...."

'NIGHTBITCH'........WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?.....MOM'S THE WORD....

Nightbitch (2024)     We imagine any woman enduring her first pregnancy would find this film more horrific than all three "Terrifier" movies combined. 

           'Mother' (as we only know her by) is a stay-at-home mom coping with an adorable but impossibly rambunctious toddler son. She gave up a promising career as an artist for a life of perpetual attention to her child's constant needs.......literally a 24/7 job that's driving her to the brink of madness. 

            'Husband' (as we only know him by) travels all the time for work and even when he's home, he contributes the bare minimum of co-parenting tasks. In one of this film's many worn out "It's what she was thinking but not what she actually does") tricks, she fantasizes slapping Hubby when he emits another clueles

s insensitive observation. 

           (This same tired shtick starts off the movie when Mother bumps into a casual friend and then lets loose a corrosive evaluation of her own dashed dreams and diminished life.....until we realize what she only said was 'I love being a mother'. Yeh, sure you do)

           Hmmm....let's see. What else could go wrong here?

            How about Mother sprouting hair on her ass and turning into a dog?  Not just any canine, but a full fledged Alpha Dog leading a the neighborhood pack on the hunt for squirrels and bunnies. Hold it.....is this happening for real or just another film festival culture vulture metaphor for the after-screening audience to discuss? 

            Beats us. Feel free to figure it out and discuss. 

             We don't want to sound like we love trashing this film so let's talk about the good stuff. 

            Amy Adams as Mother gives the very definition of what they call a fearless, bravado performance. She put herself out there for this role and you can't take your eyes off her for one second.....(neither does the film)

            And as the perplexed, hapless Husband, Scoot McNairy does his best, but the role is as thankless as playing a white racist villain in a 1970's Blaxsploitation movie. 

            For horror movie curators the film does offer a special treat - the one and only Jessica Harper (of "Suspiria")  as an enigmatic librarian who pops up for pivotal moments in Mother's already strange life. 

            There's no end of clever satire going on here, but we're thinking the whole dog thing doesn't do as much for the movie as writer-director Marielle Heller thought it would. 

            The surprise for us came when the movie swings into such a conventional third act, it could've been directed by Nora Ephron or Gary Marshall. 

           That is...until the final scene kicker.....or is it?

            Depending on how you view the entirety of film, you'll either think that last shot is a warm hug, or a promise of horrors to come. 

            Which is it?  You tell us. Discuss. 

            It's Amy Adams incredible performance that makes 'Nightbitch' worth a look for all cinephiles....and for her work alone, we'll bark out 2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2)

            Amy's not a sick puppy here.....just a sick-and-tired one. 

'SECRET OF THE RED ORCHID'......TIRED GANGSTER 'KRIMI', WASTING ITS LEGENDARY CAST

 Secret Of The Red Orchid (1962)    Just like the previously reviewed '1000 Eyes of Dr. Mabuse', another crushing disappointment in the annals of post-war German Euro-Junk. 

         This one's part of the peculiar 'Krimi' genre of murder mysteries based on the stories of Edgar Wallace (also one of the co-writers of "King Kong")

        Usually a 'Krimi' presented a warped perverse universe filled with whip-wielding monks, slobbering hunchbacks and an escalating body count......

        'Red Orchid' went off course for the series, dealing with competing extortion gangs operating in London. It looks and sounds like a pale imitation of 1940's American gangster movies. The really cheap bad ones.

        And even more criminal, it wastes a killer cast who could've made this film a crazy romp, given half a chance. 

       Two iconic titans appear together, Christopher Lee (who at this point needs no introduction) and cinema's most dangerous madman, Klaus Kinski.  Incredibly, both are terribly miscast - Kinski as a dapper dan gangster and Lee as an FBI agent. 

        For added dessert toppings, there's long time international character actor Eric Pohlmann (the voice of Blofeld in "From Russia With Love" and "Thunderball") and the ever stunning  Euro-babe Marisa Mell. 

         All of them, we should point out, are badly re-voiced by run-of-the-mill dubbers who all sound, as usual like they're stuck in the same phone booth together. 

        Kinski and Pohlmann play competing crime lord extortionists. They threaten rich old farts with death if they don't pay up big time. Lee's FBI guy has landed in London to help Scotland Yard with the case as old fart bodies start piling up.     

           This leaves a prissy butler (Eddie Arent,hamming it up) flitting from one wealthy employer to another as the gangs bump them off. (This is the actor for whom they invented the expression, "a little of him goes a long way....."

          What an opportunity was thrown away here.....uniting legendary pulp cinema giants Lee and Kinski and then giving them literally nothing to work with. A damned shame beyond all known stupidity.

            Dreary, dumb and tired from start to finish threw away 83 minutes on it......BQ recommends you avoid it like the plague.

            Zero star (0).

'I AM THE CAGE'.....A CHILDHOOD OF PAIN ISOLATED A TORMENTED GIRL

 

I Am the Cage by  Allison Sweet Grant (2025))

     Such an intimate powerful story of one terribly hurt young woman. I don't know how any readers could experience this book without becoming invested in and deeply moved by the gut wrenching isolation of 19 year old Elizabeth. 

     After finishing high school, she's dropped out of the world, living a solitary hermit's life in a remote Wisconsin cabin. Elizabeth survived a childhood of almost indescribable medical torture. She suffered for years with a metal leg brace pinned to her bones in order to adjust their growth.

     Through all the years of torment, her sense of self worth has been chipped away by the excruciating agonies of the procedure along with the apparent lack of empathy from her mother. Healed only physically, she seeks total solitude as the only way to protect herself from a world of hurt.

     But then a winter blizzard leaves her stranded and forced to rely on the help of her nearest neighbor Noah, the small town's young Sheriff. In gradual increments, Noah's concern and genuine friendship bring out glimmers of humanity and new perceptions in this bedeviled young soul. After years in the dark, sunlight's peeking through for her.

     For a heart touching experience, I can't praise this book highly enough. There's a kind of ethereal, haunting poetry to it, as well as some actual, beautifully crafted poetry in Elizabeth's deepest thoughts.

     For anyone who wants to experience the highs and lows of a character's life-affirming journey out of anguish, I'd say this book's as good as it gets.

        5 stars (*****) Prepare for this one to shake you.

'SNL 50: THE ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL' (2025)....THE HITS, THE MISSES, THE "BUT WHERE WAS....???"

 SNL 50: The Anniversary Special (2025    Even with 3 hours and 20 minutes, it may not have been possible to do an all encompassing recap of half a century of Saturday Night Live....

          But not that producer Lorne Michaels didn't try his best. 

          Packed to the rafters with SNL guest hosts, current cast members, past cast members and musical guests, the show took a deep dive into legendary SNL moments, characters, skits, mock commercials and general history. 

         For any fan of the show, a nostalgic treasure trove opened wide, spilling out who knows how many fond memories. 

         Also on view......the glaring omissions.

         Though SNL established a long history of mercilessly lampooning U.S. Presidents, you'd never know it from the 50th anniversary special.....MIA were cast members' eviscerations of the POTUS of the moment, from Chevy Chase's dim bulb Gerald Ford to James Austin Johnson's babbling Donald Trump.....(unless you count the montage of the young Chase's stumbling pratfalls, a signature of his Ford impression.)

          We'd hate to think this has anything to do with Trump, now armed with unlimited power and his own FCC minion, planning to exact vengeance on TV shows and comedians who've dared to mock him. 

           Also glaringly not in attendance for various reasons - some of the most monumental figures in SNL's history.....Dan Aykroyd, Bill Hader, Dana Carvey. Considering the contributions they made, you'd think Lorne Michaels should've moved heaven and earth to include them, even if from remote locations.......

          Just sayin'........

         To the special's credit, it served up a feast of mostly on target recaps, fresh skits and live musical performances over a long, long Sunday night, with few duds and missteps.

          A few random observations......

          If ever anyone needed a poignant reminder about the ravages of time, we felt both saddened and elated as Paul Simon and Paul McCartney valiantly sang their songs with weakened, aging voices.

         The tour of un-woke, now offensive politically incorrect skit characters was for us, the funniest, most perceptive bit in the show. It reminded us of when we recently watched the re-airing of the show's 1975 premiere episode. A mock news film by Albert Brooks included the breaking news that Oregon has lowered the age of consent to 7 years old, then cut to clip of a guy dating a little girl. Try imagine seeing something like that on TV today (along with Buck Henry's character of a pedophile uncle babysitting his nieces.)

          Fortunately, the golden moments outnumbered the duds.....appearances by Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, Garrett Morris, Adam Sandler, Rachel Dratch and the formidable female power players Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Kristin Wiig, Kate McKinnon and Maya Rudolph  (We're aware, we're leaving out lots of people off these lists, but by now, you know all the others....)

         We can only feel thankful that two former guest hosts, President Elon Musk and Assistant Dictator Donald Trump declined an invitation to attend the show. Maybe Lorne Michaels shouldn't consider inviting people dedicated to wiping his show off the air......

        SNL 50 was a huge mixed bag of treats and blunders.....but then that aptly describes the 50 years of the show itself. 

       If you missed it, it's well worth streaming. 4 stars (****).

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP......SPECIAL "WHO'S THAT FAT ORANGE GUY WITH PRESIDENT MUSK?" EDITION

 Time Magazine confirms what we knew all along.....

Trump decides he can do away with the legislative and judicial branches of government.....as Trump voters whine, "Wait a second....I didn't know he was gonna go this far...what about the price of eggs?"

Prosecutors resign as Trump's DOJ drops corruption case against NY mayor Adams.....Adams reportedly broke his front tooth as he bent down to kiss Trump's ring......

To all who didn't vote for Trump, Happy Valentine's Day!  For Trump voters, we sincerely present this message......

'SURRENDER'.....MICHAEL AND SALLY DISCOVER MONEY IS ROOT OF ALL ROMANCE....

 Surrender (1987)   We don't want to sound like we're overpraising this hardly remembered slight little rom-com, but it fulfilled at least two essentials for the genre.

        1. Sometimes, it's really funny (though veers dangerously close to silliness.)

        2. It has two appealing beloved stars who spark some genuine chemistry with other. 

         You'd be surprised how many rom-coms can't meet those basic requirements. 

         We've long been fans of Sally Field and Michael Caine and they're more than up to the hijinks this movie throws at them.

         Caine's a best selling novelist whose wives, both legal and common law have taken him to the cleaners in divorce court. He swears off women altogether until he and Field connect in a bizarre, yet original meet-cute. 

          At a huge public event invaded by armed robbers, they're stripped naked and tied up together. How could love not ensue after that?

          Field's a barely struggling artist working in an assembly line warehouse that pumps out Bob Ross-like paintings for hotel rooms. Still wary of rapacious women, Caine tenderly starts a relationship with her, pretending he's a broke, equally struggling would-be writer. 

          We won't bother detailing all the usual rom-com complications that detonate these lovebirds' path to Happily Ever After, but you could pretty much plot them yourself. 

        Still, we had a smiling nice time with watching two of our favorite actors find true love and couldn't help rooting for them all the way. (We even tolerated Steve Guttenberg in that thankless role as the annoying, third wheel soon-to-be-dumped boyfriend of Field)

         And as a bonus, writer-director Jerry Belson peppers up the brew with plenty of snappy lines. 

         A fine sweet time waster. 3 & 1/2 stars (***1/2)