WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.....SPECIAL "LIBERATION DAY, SUCKERS" EDITION.....

 

Happy Friday, Trump voters!  Feel liberated yet?  What's that, you say? The only thing Trump liberated from you was most of your 401K and whatever spending cash you have to for food?  Welcome to you what you voted for......

Stock in unheard of freefall as Trump declares trade wars on the entire world.....(except, you guessed it.....Russia)   Explained Trump, "I would never do that to my Vladdy-Waddy. Look on the bright side, there'll be no tariff on those little dolls, where one opens up and smaller ones keep coming out....."

Trump muses there might be ways for him to circumvent the Constitution so he can run for a third term.....and also contemplates plans to build additions to the White House during his projected third term...."We need to make that dump bigger.....you know, something like Versailles, maybe with a guillotine room with televised beheadings of various people who shouldn't be here....illegals , journalists, George Clooney, other people who don't treat me fairly...."

Wisconsin voters show what they think of Elon Musk's cheese hat and million dollar checks......and couldn't understand why he was met with crowd silence as he screamed, "And YOU get a Tesla! And YOU get a Tesla! And YOU get a Tesla!......"

Trump puts tariffs on islands inhabited only by penguins.....Doubling down, Trump also warns, "We're just getting started. We're coming after Polar Bears next, and those Caribou and seagulls who've all been getting a free ride from the U.S. for years.And we don't care if those penguins are dressed up for State Dinners all the time, they're still gonna pay...."

Happy Liberation Weekend to all Trump voters......don't forget to bend over and spread your cheeks wide cause Baby Orange has a lot more to shove into you.......

NO. 1 OF THE SECRET SERVICE......MORE LIKE A STEAMING LOAD OF NO. 2........

 No. 1 of the Secret Service (1977)

        After submitting to the torture of watching this, we immediately took this vow.......to make this viewing the last time we'll suffer through the abysmal work of director Lindsay Shonteff, the Ed Wood  Jr. of Britain.

         Shonteff, a jerk of all trades and master of none, specialized in dreadful spoofs of Bond films. (We would direct you to check out our 11/21/24 review of 'Big Zapper', his woeful girl private eye fiasco with Diana Rigg look-alike Linda Marlowe)

         'No. 1' appears to be sort of a sequel to his 1965 Bond knock-off, 'The 2nd Best Secret Agent In The Whole Wide World, which featured Tom Adams as secret agent Charles Vine. 

        Agent Charlie's back, but he's Bind, instead of Vine for some reason and now inhabited by Nicky Henson, playing the character as a glib smartass who already knows the whole film's a lame joke-less farce. (His cranky, impatient 'M' is veteran authority figure Geoffrey Keen, borrowed from Roger Moore's Bonds where he pops in as the Minister of Defense.)

         Bind's does get a worthy bad guy to contend with - uppercrust Arthur Loveday (Richard Todd), who enjoys costuming himself as a screaming Hyde Park speechifier, After he harangues the crowds about corrupt power brokers screwing up the world, he then sends out assassins to permanently stop them. 

         That's as much plot as Shonteff could tolerate since the rest of the movie consists of Loveday sending out one hitman (or woman) after another to rid him of Bind. But our boy's packing more than a ready smirk, he's armed with two massive Magnum 44's that he twirls like Wyatt Earp on meth. (We just can't figure out how those cannons never make so much as a slight bulge when he's wearing his sleek, perfectly tailored suits. 

           The parade of hit-folk sent out to erase Bind are quite the eclectic bunch......Asian muscle-monster Milton Reid (from the Bond films), a gun-totin' Texas cowboy, a barber, a girl vampire with Halloween shop fangs, and an entire army of commandos led by Britain's favorite creepy weird guy Dudley Sutton. (The Dudster's in charge of a jolly band called K.R.A.S.H. (Killing, Rape, Arson, Slaughter and Hit). (Nobody broke it to these guys that Killing and Hit are the same thing....)

            (Too bad Loveday left out Fireman, Astronaut, and Indian Chiefs out of his hit-crew line-up. They should've sued him for equal opportunities.....)

          Yet despite these non-stop shootouts and punch-ups, Bind's never at a loss for imitation Connery one-liners and dalliances with his gal Friday. (His primary seduction technique involves squirting her chest with a seltzer bottle, thereby forcing her to 'get out of those wet things'......

            Mercifully, this film only takes 91 minutes, but even in that short amount of time, we could feel our brain cells dribbling out of our ears....a medical affliction that clearly affected Lindsay Shonteff as he plowed through his dire career. 

         Written with crayons and edited with a meat cleaver, watch this only if you're in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 mood to trash a movie as you watch it.  Anyone that desperate for a spy spoof can easily find dozens of better ones than this.  Start with the 'Austin Powers' trilogy, the 1967 'Casino Royale and work your way up (or down, depending on how badly you want to hurl invective at your TV.....

          1 star (*).

          

'ALL THE STARS ALIGN'....A DISABLED TEEN STRUGGLES WITH HER FAMILY'S TRUE LOVE 'BLESSING'......

  All The Stars Align by Gretchen Schreiber (2025)

     The stars do indeed align here........meaning that a reader can see the finale of this book coming from its description alone and without having to read a single page of it. Which begs the question - well then, why would we?

     Why in the world would we pick up another "girl-enlists-her-lifelong-childhood=friend-to-help-her-win-the-boy-she's-in-love-with-when-she-can't-see-her-true-love's-right-in-front-of-her' story?

     The simple answer (and challenge for any author who attempts such a book).......you gotta have a gimmick .

     It's not enough to make your characters sympathetic, cute, handsome likeable and altogether adorable and worthy of us rooting for them. Because pretty much ALL the books in this genre capably accomplish that goal. And 'All The Stars Align' is no exception.

     An author has to find some sort of suitable, formidable roadblock to throw into the path of our eventual lovey-doveys. In this case, it's literally Fate with a capital F.......in the form of 'The Blessing', a magical moment of soulmate revelations that strike the women of 18 year old Piper's family. But Piper worries her path to that bibbity-bobby-boo moment will elude her for two major reasons. First, her mother has committed the blasphemous act of divorcing her father, an outrageous repudiation of the 'Blessing'. Secondly, a painful childhood of spinal fusion operations has left her with physical disabilities, fostering her feeling that she's an oddball anomaly not just among her peers, but in the perfect romantic history of her family.

     Piper's determined to achieve the expected goals of her mom's sisters, the meddling aunts who run the jewelry store where Piper works part time. #1. snag the One, when the B word finally hits her like a ton of bricks. #2 - help her aunts bring her mom and dad back together. #3 - take over running her aunts' store even though her talents lie in science rather than business.

     When the thing-we-shall-not-name strikes her lovelorn at a party, Piper enlists the aid of her lifelong boy pal Leo to instruct her in the nurturing of her love for Forest, who's apparently the Designated-Forever-Whatever. She takes on this Mission Impossible, despite her.........(wonder I'm going to write next).....lifelong, suppressed feelings for Leo.

     Come on, now. Do I really need to describe what transpires through the rest of this book to the end? Didn't think so.

     I kid a lot but truth be told, I'm no different from thousands of other readers who can't resist this genre. And no I couldn't stop reading until that satisfying ending gets duly delivered. The magical stuff doesn't really come off too well. (Instead of warm 'n cozy comic relief, the aunts seem more like an annoying religious cult.). As much I'm cheering on Piper, her path to common sense began to test my patience after a while.

           With a plot this familiar and done so many times, you're either all in or doing upward eye-rolls. But if you're addicted to love stories you'll have to decide if the whole Blessing/Fate thing was worth throwing into the mix. And I'm not sorry I stuck with it. Cause, you know, they're all sympathetic, cute handsome, adorable etc, etc. etc...........

           3 stars (***).

'DEADSTREAM'.....A CREEPY ENTITY SNEAKS UP STREAMERS.....SIGNING THEM OFF FOREVER.

 Deadstream by Mar Romasco-Moore (2025)

     Here's a thoroughly unnerving cautionary tale for social media streamers and everyone who's addicted to them worse than opioids. What happens when you come across a literal Ghost In The Machine.......and you end up with a site whose only 'live' part is the equipment still trained on your dead body.

     By the time the dust, clicks and corpses settle, you're thinking a whole bunch of these people would've been better off if they slammed their laptops shut and stuck to reading a good book.

      Probably not this book, though, since it would give them Deja Views all over again......and once again put them in the cross hairs of the entity who uses click bait as live bait........

     Since there's already been a host of movies using this very same premise, I understand what author Rom Romasco-Moore was trying to accomplish here. In book form, our lead character could be rendered with far more nuance and depth than we'd ever find in a 90 minute horror movie

     And that in fact is what 'Deadstream' does for teen Teresa.. She's been deeply traumatized by a car accident that left her with severe injuries and killed her best friend. Now terrified of the world outside her room, she's self-imprisoned herself there, spending her days on her own streaming site and following others who've achieved cyber-superstardom..

    But what's going with 'Brick' the most followed and admired of those stars? What's that shadowy dark figure sneaking up behind him? What happened and why does Brick now spend endless hours staring out at everyone with an eyes wide open catatonic state? An elaborate prank? Or something way too scary to think about......

     As other streamers fall victim to the same otherworldly phenomenon, Teresa soon finds herself in a desperate battle with a horrific entity whose predatory stalkings show up clearly on the livestreams, but not in the real eyesight of its prey. The stuff of nightmares for sure.

     For me, there were equal amounts of 'likes' and 'dislikes' here. As you would expect in this story, the author laboriously replicates all the online chatter surrounding the catastrophic events unfolding in real time. I guess this would count as a plus for people who think the online chats shown in movies go by too fast to read..........but after pages and pages of that dross you may find yourself skimming through it like I did.

     What gripped me far more - when book gives the stream comments a rest and goes back to the plain old fashioned telling of Teresa's dangerous duels with the world-wide-web wraith.

     A perfectly suitable choice, if you'd rather spend a cozy Friday night home instead of rushing out to the multi-plex to see this week's new horror movie.......(which you could probably stream a few weeks later with your own home-cooked popcorn......)

       3 stars (***). Wait a sec....I think I just heard someone come into the room........

'TO CATCH A SPY'.....THE FRENCH RIVIERA'S MOST DASHING, DEFT THIEF IS BACK IN ACTION....

 To Catch A Spy by Mark ONeill (2025)

     While this fun, terrific thriller works fine as a stand alone, I'd recommend everyone treat themselves to either the original book or a viewing of the classic 1955 Alfred Hitchcock film with Cary Grant and Grace Kelly (even if you've seen it before). Trust me it will make the experience of reading this book even more entertaining.

     With permission from original author David Dodge's estate, Mark O' Neill effectively continues the adventures of John Robie - former American, circus acrobat, former French Resistance fighter, former master jewel thief and former romancer of the beautiful, audacious heiress Francie Stevens.

     Francie's broken up with John, whose less-than-legal past previously landed him in dangerous trouble, but she and her sardonic widowed mom are back on the dazzling French Riviera just in time for the swirl and glamour of Fashion Week. John's itching to rekindle his once fireworks-worthy romance with Francie, but all new troubles and threats envelop him.......and may very well also involve Francie. too.

     In helping out a long time friend from French Intelligence, John's stumbled upon a Russian spy ring whose masterminds are a lethal bunch with an inexhaustible supply of minion thugs. Even worse, this nefarious cabal may have something to do with Francie's recruitment as a stunning new fashion model for a famous designer's new creations. But now Francie's not only a freshly minted fashion superstar, she's also acquired a new protective boyfriend as well, So John has his hands full.....slugging it out with the thugs out to kill him, somehow relighting the fire between him and Francie while trying to untangle her possible involvement in the spy plot.

     Loved every single minute of this, which plays out among all the same gorgeous locations everyone will remember from the movie. Yet author O'Neill does make this new book his very own, which is more of a non-stop, breathless James Bond-ish adventure as opposed to Hitchcock's more leisurely romantic suspense. I devoured it in one sitting and certainly wouldn't mind if John and Francie, both born adventurers, embark on an all new captivating caper. One of the best beach reads you'll find this year.

        5 stars (*****).

'A DROP OF CORRUPTION'.....A THRILLING, MASTERFUL SERIES CONTINUES.....

 A Drop Of Corruption by Robert Jackson Bennett (2025)

     Once again I stand in complete gaping jaw awe of Robert Jackon Bennett. I speak of his ability to combine the complex intricate fantasy universe he's created with an infinitely complex mystery thriller (and its one-of-kind infinitely memorable sleuthing team.

     The oddest crime solving duo imaginable has a new perplexing (and gruesome) case to unravel. As if the crimes aren't grisly enough, they're committed amid The Empire and its surrounding city-kingdoms. It's a world fraught with the cruelty, corruption and dangers of Medieval-like autocracies and dependent on harvesting the precious blood of Lovecraft-ian Titans, monsters who swarm the Empire's sea.

     Investigator Ana Dolabra possesses the instinctual sensitivities of Sherlock Holmes and swears like Popeye Doyle. She prefers to put her powerful intuitions into play while blindfolded, so it's up to her stalwart, sword-wielding assistant Dinios Kol to do her legwork - seeking out and questioning suspects and informing Ana of everything gleaned from his enhanced memory abilities. Only when Ana's taken in as much information as Kol can supply her with can she snap the puzzle pieces together.

     A treasury official's disappearance turns into a ghastly murder and Ana and Din face their most formidable and diabolical foe......a remorseless killer who easily bypasses every security measure designed to stop him. Whoever he is he's also devised an infernal method of mass slaughter and his killing spree extends from jungles to royal castles. While Ana's mental talents are put to seemingly impossible challenges, Dinios searches for answers at the 'Shroud' , the vast ominous structure where Titans are eviscerated for their all powerful blood.


     I'll admit that this book series is not some kind of easy peasy breezy read. The worlds of Ana and Dinios are a vast mosaic of cultures, customs, politics and geography to absorb. But once you enter and fully immerse yourself in this universe, it takes hold of you and keeps you turning the pages. And once Ana finally lays out every revealed twist, the heartbreak and horror of the crimes committed speak volumes about the values of an autocratic empire. Not just a swashbuckling adventure but a lot of food for thought about how author Bennett's world mirrors our own.

     If I'm making this sound all too grim, I don't want to forget to mention you'll also find plenty of unexpected moments of ribald, laugh out loud humor.....also guaranteed to take you by surprise....)

     Can't recommend this highly enough. Take the ride, it's more than worth it.

       5 stars (*****).

 

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP......SPECIAL 'TOP SECRET, CLASSIFIED, HUSH-HUSH, OUR-LIPS-ARE-SEALED WE'D-TELL-YOU-BUT-THEN-WE'D-HAVE-TO-KILL-YOU' GROUP CHAT EDITION.....

 

'The Atlantic' journalist gets accidentally invited to a classified, top secret war plans group chat.......explained Secretary Of Indefensible Defense Pete Hegseth, "No classified information was shared, other than attack days and times......and besides, I thought that extra guy on the chat was on there was there to take my drink order...."

Trump and National Security Minions refuse to own up to their serious gaffe, preferring Trump's usual plan to deny, deflect and double-down......"They're the very best people" claimed Trump, "in fact Little Marco came up with great idea of keeping the Nuclear Attack Codes written in Sharpie on my palms...."

In addition to these new phones, Trump also issues etch-a-sketch pads for to all security personnel for issuing military strike orders to fighter pilots.......with a stern warning to pilots to remember to shake the pads clear after receiving their targets....

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Trump rages about what he considers an unflattering portrait of himself......"It's such an insult to me and all of America. This terrible disgusting portrait makes me look like a fat, angry, stupid, racist, misogynist, bullying narcissist who doesn't have a clue about what he's doing.....especially when everyone around me has mentioned how much I look like Timothee Chalamet...."

On a daily basis, Trump proves that he will tirelessly show the U.S. and the world that every worst fear they believed about a second Trump Presidency is coming true in real time......while thousands of cemeteries receive instructions from 2024 Trump voters to amend their gravestones to read, "This isn't what I voted for...."