'LIFEFORCE'......ZOMBIES AND OUTER SPACE VAMPIRES, OH MY.....

Lifeforce (1985)   Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, the 'Go Go Boys' of shlock factory Cannon Films, loved making loads of cheap movies in a hurry.......

        They ruled the 1980's and video store shelves with their seemingly never ending supply of Grade C, semi-grindhouse flotsam. 

         But the boys threw caution (and their usual poverty budgets) to the wind with 'Lifeforce' a truly beyond-all-comprehension mashup of sci-fi and horror. 

          The result is a sight to behold.......and not to be missed.  Big beautiful spaceships, Haley's Comet, outer space vampires, giant alien bats, skeleton zombies that explode into dust, mass zombie slaughters in the streets, Sir Patrick Stewart having hysterical fits......and a breathtaking Space Vampire girl who wanders through the film while full-frontal nude. 

          Don't ask if any of this makes sense. Just wallow in the sheer madness of it all........

          First thing to amaze you.....how many top-of-the-line people involved themselves in the making of this movie....

         Special effects master John Dykstra (of "Star Wars") handled the outer space stuff. Henry Mancini provided a robust symphonic score (way out his usual comfort zone), and directing all the mania - none other than 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre'  and (supposedly) director of 'Poltergiest' horrormeister, Tobe Hooper. 

          Woo hoo!! Let the lunacy loose!

          We start inside Haley's Comet, where astronaut explorers unwisely poke around inside a 150 mile long alien spaceship they found parked in the comet's tail. Uh oh.....it's a space vampire hangout, with dead giant bats and three naked human types in suspended animation. Double Uh oh.....Mission Control then loses contact with that very unlucky crew.....

          Another rescue crew finds the first bunch all shriveled up into skeletal husks, but brings back the still perfectly preserved naked people (one of whom's a hubba-hubba, where-have-you-been-all-my-life girl (Mathilda May).

           From that point on, all vampiric-zombie hell breaks out in London. To the horror of authorities, Mathilda and her two boytoys go about their business of sucking the life out whoever they come across.  Pretty soon, the whole of the city's infested with life sucking zombies shredding the populace. Yippeeee!

            We loved the odd collection of actors assembled to pop their eyes at all these crazy, gory events.....some of them more than others. Steve Railsback, as the first crew's sole survivor, spends most of the film in a state of sweaty hysteria. Patrick Stewart gets the good sport award, since the plot forces him into constant screaming fits (and much worse) after he's been soul-sucked.  And fellow distinguished actor Frank Finlay (of Richard Lester's 'Musketeers' movies) fully savors his moment to go batshit bonkers like everybody else. 

              Pure unadulterated Guilty Pleasure Goodness, from beginning to end.

               What else can we say? You're either all in with this manic carnival or just stay the hell away from it. 

               For fans of everything we described in this review, 'Lifeforce' is a 4 star (****) bonanza......especially those who hold fond memories of the Go Go Boys and their Cannon-ized output. 

'SEVEN SEAS TO CALAIS'....SPAGHETTI SWASHBUCKLER IN NEED OF MORE SAUCE....

 Seven Seas to Calais (1962)   Since childhood, we've never grown out of our love for swashbuckling adventures with dashing swordsmen clashing steel with dastardly villains to rescue fair maidens. 

         And to this day, we still can't get our fill of 'em. We can't be the only ones......our 1/17/18 review of "Swordsman Of Sienna" (also produced in '62) racked up the highest amount of views we've ever had. 

         BQ thinks of costume swordplay spectacles as similar to pizza and sex......even when swashbucklers aren't so great in execution, they're still fun to experience......

          So how come this lushly appointed Italian take on the genre, left us bored and unmoved?

          All the ingredients are on display. Gorgeous color and widescreen. Everyone dressed up in beautifully rendered Elizabethan costumes....(especially Queen Liz herself, played to imperious perfection by Irene Worth and decked out like a walking Mardi Gras float.)

           And who better to play Lizzie's favorite pirate than hunk-of-the-era Rod Taylor, adding the right amounts of bravado, steely resolve and even a bit of humor. Joining him as co-swashbuckler and sometime comic relief was fellow Australian actor Keith Michell.

            Beyond, Taylor, Michell and Worth, the rest of the cast is mostly comprised of dubbed-into-English Italians (including future Spaghetti western star Terence Hill)

            So everything's in place for a rollicking good time. Taylor and Michell sail off to wreak havoc on the Spanish Armada, plundering ships and swiping lots of treasure, to the secret delight of Worth, who fends off the Spanish Ambassador with royal doubletalk.

            Sorry to report, a rollicking good time was not had by us. The film plays out like a slow turgid pageant. The elaborate sets and set-pieces arrive with scheduled regularity - swordplay, colossal naval battles, fancy balls....even a cornball excursion to a coastal village of Halloween shop ugga-ugga Indians, who gift Michell with his very own personal Pocahontas. 

          Some truly clumsy, amateurish editing took us out of even enjoying the movie as a guilty pleasure. Abrupt scene transitions occur as if the film editor used a machete.....evidently this hamhanded editor never heard of dissolves, wipes, or fade in-fade outs. The film looks like it was glued together after the machete chopper finished his work. And that's not a good look.....

         As much as we love swords 'n battles 'n devil-may-care pirates saving the day, this is one unbuckled swashbuckler we'll not return to again. Even fans of the genre could skip it and not miss anything.

          2 stars (**).

'POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD'.....POST TROMA-ATIC STRESS DISORDER....

 

Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead (2006)

          How do we even begin to describe Troma, the East Coast independent shlock factory founded by Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz?

         These guys were far from your ordinary shlockmeisters dealing in cheapo sexploitation, horror, action and tidal waves of gore. 

          Their films did more than wallow in bottom-of-the-barrel grindhouse atrocities.....

           They didn't just glory in shlock. They mocked shlock.

           Which would explain why no critic could possibly deride a Troma movie any better than the films themselves. 

             Troma films, sometimes literally drowning in vomit, blood, excrement and assorted body parts, raised a defiant middle finger not only to so-called civilized, polite society at large, but at themselves. 

             No one could parody or imitate films like "The Toxic Avenger", "Class of Nuke'em High or "Sgt.Kabukiman, NYPID". Troma films arrived already drenched in self-parody and a nihilistic contempt for the world at large. 

             "Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead" may stand as the epitome of the Art Of Troma.  Think of it as every Troma film trope packed into one convenient package. 

              The first thing everyone notices: the sheer level of manic frenzy on display.....the pacing, the editing, the actors' performances......like a Warner Brothers Loony Toom stretched out to 105 minutes.   And none of it ever lets up. 

               It's like an afternoon in an insane asylum, locked up with the most manic patients.......

               In the little lunatic town of Tromaville (where, naturally, a lot of Troma movies take place), the fast food chain American Chicken Bunker has just unwisely opened atop a sacred Indian Burial ground. 

               Cue the madness.

                Mutated chicken eggs hatch monstrous monster chicken puppets who go about their work......

                What work, you ask? Where do we even begin.....

                 The chicken monsters proceed to eviscerate the customers, forcing them into bouts of fatal, explosive diarrhea, massive projectile vomiting, much spouting of entrails and rectums....

                  Oh we almost forgot. The victims also turn into chicken zombies, feasting on more victims. 

                 And from time to time, everyone breaks into Broadway song and dance numbers, with bluntly satirical lyrics. Yes, they really do.

                 Here's our only real quibble with Troma movies and fair warning to anyone who hasn't sampled one yet. 

                 They're exhausting to watch straight through. Since they exist in a state of perpetual mania, there's no highs or lows to experience.....only endless, shrieking lunacy. with not a single moment or character that resembles real human beings or real human life. 

                 If the raging Id Monster from 'Forbidden Planet' were capable of writing and directing movies, they'd all look like Troma movies.....

                So how can we sum up"Poultrygeist" in any sane way?

               To quote one of the Chicken Zombies, as she's happily munching on somebody, "I know it's fattening, but I love the skin..."

                Newbies to Troma, approach with extreme caution. For Troma-ites, it's finger-lickin' body fluid fillin' gooey goodness.

               4 stars (****). But don't way we didn't warn you.

'VANTAGE POINT'.....A KENNEDY-ESQUE FAMILY DYNASTY, ACCURSED AND UNDONE...

  Vantage Point by Sara Sligar (2025)

     This book pushed all the right buttons for me. If there's a powerful, wealthy family dynasty afflicted by accursed tragedies, you had me at 'accursed tragedies'. If they live on a fabulously massive estate that sits on a Maine island that they rule like a royal family,.....oh yes, sign me up. Throw in troubled family members with the constant threat of the legendary curse that hovers over them, then I'm rubbing my hands in gleeful anticipation.

     And 'Vantage Point' gets right to the point. Kennedy-esque Teddy Wieland is running for the U.S. Senate. By his side, his wife Jess, a lifelong friend of his emotionally tormented sister Clara. Clara's lived with agonizing guilt over the accidental death of her and Teddy's parents and she's spent her young lifetime in and out of eating disorder clinics. Unlike the Wielands, Jess came from a lower middle class upbringing and now she finds herself uncomfortable in her role as political helpmate to Teddy - she fears the press and public see her as an undeserving Grand Prize lottery winner of membership in a golden family.

     The Wieland curse then goes into overdrive. Teddy's campaign is upended and sabotaged by release of embarrassing videos that seem to reveal Clara and himself as depraved, entitled wastrels.......images that'll no doubt repulse potential voters. His campaign manager/spin doctor wastes no time labeling the videos as deepfakes......and an increasingly unhinged Clara can't convince Teddy or Jess that these deepfakes tie into disturbing real sights now afflicting her, including appearances of her dead mother and father.

     Author Sara Sigar brings in some sharp wit and well written insights into the family dynamics (and some dreaded secrets) of Teddy, Clara and Jess. And I thoroughly enjoyed how the book manages to make the very latest hi-tech factor into the story's creepy Gothic atmosphere.......as if it feels like 'Rebecca' with state-of-the-art CGI. (And the insert histories of previous Wieland family deaths are dark humored gems....)

     A great overstuffed package of dynasty melodrama, political posturing and a properly traumatic finale.  5 stars (*****)

'A SERIAL KILLER'S GUIDE TO MARRIAGE'....A MARRIED COUPLE TO DIE FOR.....PAINFULLY.

 A Serial Killer's Guide to Marriage by Asia Mackay (2025) 

     Never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I'm starting to lose track of how many books I've read about serial killers who specialize in eliminating only rapists, bullies, abusers, generally obnoxious guys.....and other serial killers.. If this was happening in real life, you'd think the crime rate would've taken a deep dive by now.

     Well here's a book that not only sticks it to the patriarchy (literally), but provides an all-too-true portrait of the hills and valleys of married life. Or in this case, the married life of a couple who happily rids the world of terrible people we'd all be better off without.

     Hazel and Fox fell deeply in love as they discovered their shared mutual love of offing really bad guys, just for the fun and thrill of it. These crazy kids can't keep their hands off each other, not to mention a whole lot of other unlucky suckers who long had it comin' to them.

     Fox came from wealth, now estranged from his reptilian parents who exiled him to Europe when they discovered his....uh...proclivities. Hazel, on the other hand, came up from a hard scrabble unhappy childhood but can reinvent herself to walk amongst her betters. Once they connect and wed, they're a couple to die for, and any number of guys do just that.

     Thanks to Fox's trust fund, our lovebirds live a carefree life, touring Europe, littering the continent with corpses. But then baby Bibi comes along and suddenly they're a family of three. And as in all marriages, even the ones that don't pursue homicide as a hobby, Fox and Hazel settle into the normal everyday life of a London family. Fox, who's embraced fatherhood with a passion, decrees an end to their killing careers, which rankles Hazel. Their sweet union moves into the bumpy 'who left the wet towel on the bathroom floor' stage.

     Hazel tries her best at normality, befriending a single mom with troubles of her own. But her itch to kill gets the better of her, plunging her and Fox's marriage into already choppy waters. Every couple has their spats, but usually not with knives in hand......
If you're getting the idea that this book's a buncha fun to read, you're right. Author Asia Mackay throws all manner of twists and complications at Fox and Hazel and takes us through an unflinching honest tour of how marriages constantly evolve when children happen. Quite a balancing act since the book's also tossing dead bodies into domestic mix.

     Had a swell time with this one and wouldn't mind a sequel to see what the merry marital murder squad's up to next.

     5 stars (*****)

'THE BUSINESS TRIP'......STRANGERS ON A PLANE END UP AS GONE GIRLS.....

  The Business Trip by Jesse Garcia (2025)

     I'm torn in two different directions trying assign a rational, sensible rating to this book.

     As a fast, fun read, I got a huge kick out of it. It reads like the wind and its major twists did in fact had me picking up my jaw when it dropped. to the floor.The pull-the-rug-out-from-under-you twist the occurs halfway through the book staggered me with its cleverness. and clockwork precision. And the final twist is almost its equal in surprise. I swiped pages through my Kindle at 60 miles an hour.

     But having said all that, I cannot avoid saying that there's not one of these whopper reveals that's even remotely credible, believable or come within 100 miles of reality. The twists, clever and outrageous, are also absurd, eye rolling and borderline laughable.

      Not much detail I'd dare to share about the plot, which involves two disparate women who cross paths on a flight to San Diego. Jasmine's a waitress escaping a miserable trailer park existence and an abusive boyfriend. Stephanie's a successful local TV news manager on her way to a conference for her fellow TV journalists. Somehow, through texts to their friends, they speak of encountering and being charmed by the same man, Trent McCarthy. And shortly thereafter, nobody hears from them again. And then we're off and running to Twist-landia.......

     The first Big Twist left my mouth truly agape and the book eats up a lot of time and chapters laying out how it was accomplished. Impressively detailed yes, but it also had me muttering 'you gotta be kiddin' me' all the way through. By the time the second off-the-rails, nutso Big Twist comes along, I could only chuckle and shake my head.........but to author Jessie Garcia's credit, I never wanted to stop reading either.

     That's why I'm calling "The Business Trip" a 3 star (***) Very Guilty Pleasure. Sure, it's untethered to common sense, and ridiculous, but I still gobbled it up like that tub of buttered popcorn you just know is not good for you.

STAY TUNED, BQ VISITORS.....BOOK REVIEWS ON THE WAY!

   

   Spent the day, polishing up reviews of a batch of new books for you wonderful folks, all releasing tomorrow at your favorite bookstore or e-reader.

         A wildly divergent bunch this time around......including a Kennedy-type family bedeviled by a family curse, a husband and wife who murder rapists and other bad guys for the fun of it, and two women who meet on a plane and then meet a guy who maybe made them....uh....disappear?    

          Something for everybody and we'll give you all the info you need to decide if you'd care to dive into them.....

          See you tomorrow when BQ will hit the books!!